He made her feel like she wasn’t worth anything as her tears fell at his feet, she looked in the mirror and couldn’t see herself anymore, she only saw what he wanted her to be…and she was only what he wanted to see….from denying her for not accepting to do as he wanted. She had to accept his terms or be fucked, figuratively not literally.
So she let her hair down, made her face up, put on her heels, her prettiest dress and walked on out. she did what few will dare to do, some look at her with envy and others not so much….in the end it doesn’t matter… she will walk toward the door, walk out, face the night, whether it is dark or lit by a million stars and the world will be hers once again. She is at peace with finding herself.
The one thought she has come to find comfort in is that she is only herself when she is alone. She doesn’t have to give herself and who she is, who she can be for anyone that can’t accept her for her. No more insecure, immature and jealous anyone’s to hold her back and hold her down.
There are days, many days as a matter of fact, then some days not that many days that I find myself caught up in negativity. There’s waking up, getting my face on just so, then of course those days where the attempt at painting my face is half assed, being totally independent and self-reliant, and dealing with life. Sometimes after dark, I find myself looking longingly into brightly-lit windows that I just can’t seem to get pitch dark black enough for my taste as I invite slumber to visit with me. I try to remember what it was like to simply throw a switch and be, at once, completely illuminated by a degree of darkness that can only be found living in the country far removed from the street lights.
Then, a little thing, a thing like taking a pillow and placing it just so over my face that throws a bit of something out and suddenly it makes sense again. In fact, the most encouraging thing happened within the first few minutes of such a thing, when I learned that there were differences in the filling/stuffing of a pillow. Oh, joy, and be still my heart! I must have one of these wonderful soft pillows, as I am a person who believes in and worships the simplicity of the right sized and weighted pillow. Never mind you the sleep mask, no that is not for me. It would never do, that concept is too easy and doesn’t hold any degree of danger of suffocation, and I live and sleep with a hint of danger, it gives me chills, thrills and glee.
I was trying to sleep, didn’t happen…so I got out of bed and picked up a book, read about 250 pages and tried for sleep again, nope, didn’t happen. Again I rolled out of bed and picked up the book and finished the last 200 pages and thought to myself, “self, try again”. so I went back to bed once again to try for some sleep. Didn’t work, shuffled over to my bookcase and selected another book and read about 197 pages and thought to myself, “self, try again”….and again sleep eludes me. But my eyes are tired of reading and my left hand got tired of holding a book as my right hand was used to furiously page through it. I finally decided to forgo the thought of sleep and shuffled back into the kitchen and got my pot of coffee going, I moved things around the counter as my one cup brewed, and when it was done brewing I poured the hot steaming substance into my cup, which incidentally has a new bigger chip on the rim. It is still a keeper. I won’t rid myself of it anytime soon…unless I rip my lip off…even then I may still keep it, it is part of a set….
I’ve received a few emails expressing concern as to where I’ve been and my neglected blog. The answer is quite complicated. I’ve been to some dark places and visited dark souls and have had more darkness deposited on me than I had to begin with. But ever the trooper that I am, I embrace the darkness and make it a part of who I will one day be. I am well, I have been better and the discovery of this long dark and lonely road I am on will either make me or break me. I highly suspect it will make me…not quite sure if that’s good or bad…and what the outcome will be.
I am off to read through the many emails that I have, reply to family as they take priority and if I manage to get some sleep later on I will tackle returning phone calls.
Thank you all for your care and concern, if indeed you care and were concerned, if you are here just reading to read between the lines and see things that aren’t really what you think they are, I thank you as well.