Dear Diary…

I stayed up late…I missed a friend’s birthday party last night….I was kinda iffy on going…oh well, that extended nap took care of any decision making on my end. I stayed up watching the last two episodes of NCIS…I teared up…buh bye Tony DiNozzo…I put a pot of beans to cook…loaded with bacon…it was good and the aroma wafted ever so not gently into my room to awaken me…what a way to wake up…

Had a nice breakfast with my favorite cousin…chit chatted about this, that and the other…enjoyed some coffee, barbacoa and beans with tortillas…good stuff.


Also realized that baking season is fast approaching, the zucchini in my fridge reminded me…said zucchini should’ve already been baked into a loaf…maybe tomorrow…if not I’ll steam it and eat it that way…

Been looking for projects to do that are not too strenuous on my back, repurposing old pillows, crocheting, I did get an idea while shopping yesterday…that’ll use up some of the scrap booking stuff I have…I don’t want to be a pack rat…and I do try to keep all my stuff organized…my worst nightmare is turning into my mother, that woman was/is a hoarder and pack rat…and since I did add a few things to my closet I do need to get rid of an equal amount of items…guess that is one way to minimize my ironing pile…

I tried my hand at repairing the extension cord I ran over with my lawn mower…big FAIL…I plugged it in, heard it sizzle and pop and I tripped the breaker…I’m firing myself from any and all electrical attempts…need a new cord to finish mowing my yard…or jungle…D should be getting me another cord…not green this time…not that it matters, I killed a bright orange one last time…

Good bye Dear Diary…


# 89765432 & # 23453789

Random numbers, because names would just open up a can of worms….so I had this whole diatribe in my head and on paper…well no not paper, on WORD….it stemmed from a revelation in a conversation with # 89765432 which in turn had caused me to have an epiphany of ginormous proportions.

# 23453789 had once upon made some statements regarding the “sexes”…yes men and women….but from the conversation with # 89765432 I had come away realizing or piecing together some “character” flaws regarding # 23453789…then the bubble burst…or rather the dam did….and #23453789’s previous statement came back semi full circle….SIGH….

Friendships are hard, people are complicated, present company included. Sometimes being friendless is the best thing…so cheers to solitude and reflection…and HEB Creamy Creations Butter Pecan Ice Cream and books…about blood, guts, killing…and all that good stuff….oh and fucking too. But not fucking like you might think…more like mind fucking…I guess I shoulda just said mind fucking….so anywho my gang banged brain is off to do some relaxing reading….and put shit out of my head…..


Whoever said hair doesn’t grow on nipples didn’t see “those” nipples….

Stupid is as stupid does, and I have been on a roll. I suffered a bit with hyperactivity a couple of days ago….couldn’t keep myself to any single task…consequently I hand washed my car, I worked on scraping paint off the coffee table, I baked lemon bars, I did laundry, I swept, I vacuumed (not that it looks like I did) then I piddled around starting other things that I just didn’t get to completing….and what did I get for all this….yeah this is where the stupid part comes in…PAIN….lots of fucking back pain…I almost didn’t want to stop everything I was doing, once I stop I start to intensely feel the aftereffects of all my moving around, bending, stooping, stretching, pulling and pushing…**SIGH*** when will LIFE (without pain) go back to “normal” (whatever the fuck normal is…)

Had another session of dramatics…not a fan of that….I’d much rather pull my eyelashes out one by one…or shave my toes…but all is well now…gotta go wake the kidlets up…

Awww shoe

Achoo, ah shoo….whichever, whatever I just hate this morning ritual of sneezing. Once again I have been up since way too early…which makes for a longer day and confusion to my belly. I am starving and thinking donuts or lunch, something hot, crunchy, spicy, cheesy with maybe bacon and guacamole.

I started doing some dusting and that only made the sneezing worse…so I’m taking a blogging break. Cleaning here and there at my slow pace has helped in getting rid of things, yesterday I got rid of 3 boxes of stuff and I’m working on filling up a bag today, I’m out of boxes so bags will have to do. Have another pile of stuff that needs to be laundered and another pile that needs to be put away….putting stuff away is not my favorite part of the laundry process, I would happily do laundry all day if I could just skip the putting it away part.

Break is over, back to dusting, sneezing and putting things away and either my appetite will go away or I will have to scrounge around for food.


When life hands you lemons….

…make lemonade.

Life hasn’t handed me lemons if it had I’d be looking up recipes and I’d be using them, besides lemonade there are so many other uses for lemons.

What I did have was apples, so I made an apple pie. The lattice-work on the top crust wasn’t pretty, but that is because I didn’t get creative, I got practical and hurried, I needed to binge on something to keep the anxiety away. So I just cut the dough into different shapes and put it over the apples and then put it in the oven to bake. Wish I’d have had vanilla ice cream, but nevertheless the apple pie was good and it hit the spot. Speaking of bingeing I’m about to head back into the kitchen and check for left overs. I’m hungry.

I did things for myself….~

I always do things for myself….heck it was my bday, woothefuckhoo…another day….so now I am officially another year older…yay!!!

Nothing to do with my post, it just cracked me


I had things to do…like fetch new drugs….now that is something to get excited about….right…maybe these new magical little things will make life the picture perfect daisy and green grass soft as brand new plush carpet thrill a minute ride we all dream about…you do dream about that shit don’t cha?????

So I took my happy ass….oh wait…getting ahead of myself…let’s back up a spell or two…aww….coffee…fresh brewed all I gotta do ispushthebuttonandthebrownstuffwillpumpoutthetopintothepot ….yes, that was the start to my day…well after Boy#3 came into my room wanting to rifle thru my dresser drawers…I’m half asleep at this point…cause I’m not up and haven’t had the nectar of the gods yet….so he whispers his apologies for being in my room, asks me to cover my face cause he needs to turn the light on…I’m not ready to be up so I do as he asks…wasn’t sure (or could care less) at what he was looking for (I thought he was looking for the sweet tarts I had stashed). He obviously found what he was looking for then proceeded to turn the light off and tell me “Let me be the first one to wish you a happy birthday”. He gave me a hug and he started to leave…that is when I asked him to go ahead and get my coffee going.

So anyway back to where I was before I got ahead of myself….I had my coffee….oh wait…gotta tell you this…I found Almond Joy coffee creamer…OMFG….like for serious…orgasmic…chocolate, almonds, coconut.√,√,√. Three of my loves (aside from my boys). Okay, after my coffee, I got in the shower, then after my uneventful (no falling on my ass (or face) or landscaping escapades, I got out, wrapped myself up in my big fluffy chocolate-brown towel, wrapped my hair up in another towel and went back to the living room. Yes just in towels…turned my TV on, turned my laptop on and grabbed my makeup bag….I put my face on while I watched some prerecorded reality crap and caught up with some emails….OMFG again….(sorry for the cussing) all these wonderful emails from friends and family wishing me a happy birthday….***Sigh*** I don’t do bdays….not for me anyway…not where I get excited about them….I didn’t have the foresight to make my DOB invisible on all my social networking sites….so I was madly scrambling about to try to acknowledge every individual bday wish….sheesh…too much…after the 4th or 5th I was thinking to myself…”Self…you aren’t this special…nobody ever remembers your bday, just like you don’t remember anyone’s bday” But this is the beauty of social networking…it “helps” us remember these milestones, like bdays, anniversaries, parties, etc, etc….

So anywho I exhausted myself trying to reply to all….(I’m sure I missed a few here or there). I got my face on…, by this time my hair is mostly dry, somewhat curly…good enough to where I can get away with going out without any extra hair effort….put my makeup bag away, turn off my laptop, turn off my TV and go throw my dress on…YES dress….why not….I was thinking I would be good to myself and take me out to lunch. Grab my purse, keys, shades, check doors all is secure and I take off….guess what I found out…my truck keys work on my car….I had previously checked but they didn’t work….yeah I know random….

Okay so now I’m out the door, I head out, I got things to do…which was the original title of this post before I digressed all over the place….I headed to the grocery store, where I snagged a bottle of wine for a $1.00 good shit too….it was on sale, but I was charged regular price, then in the confusion I was not charged for something else but then got charged for one more of something else, but the bottom line is I ended up paying a $1.00 for the wine…woothefuckhoo!!!

So I left the grocery store then headed to the pharmacy….where new drugs were awaiting me….yay….now normally I don’t get excited about scrips…but fuck I’ve been in so much fucking pain I’m ready to try something new…and I can’t sleep, so why not try something new for that…and I’m depressed and want to kill you before I kill myself so why not try something for that too….oh and because I have to break in my new insurance that I’m paying money out the ass for and haven’t been able to afford to use, not that I can afford it now….but WTF let’s just go all out and spend money we don’t have for my useless cripple ass….

But anywho by the time I was done with this crap I was no longer in the mood for lunch…I had a cake to bake for my beautiful bday boy and a couple of other food stuffs for his bday. So I unloaded the food stuff and drug stuff and put things away. Took a short break and then went all out and baked his cake…still in my dress…cause why not…it’s my freaking bday and I should look all hot and purty when I’m playing Suzie homemaker…but I had a major cake fail….the cake batter is somewhat heavy and I should have pounded the cake pans harder than I did to even out the batter but guess what….that shit fucking hurts…yeppers it hurt my back to try to do that….so I threw them in the oven like that and hoped for the best….and the best that I got was two uneven cakes that were high in the middle…not a wise move to stack them…but hey that was my plan…to stack them….so anyways I was doing really good, cakes were holding up pretty good, I got them all iced up and was working on finishing up the sides when the top layer starts cracking in the middle…no problem I have enough icing to fill in the crack…all done…place glass cover over glass pedestal and walk away….come back a few minutes later and my purty cake had a new crack….FUCK…this is the little shit that just makes me want to curl up in a corner and bawl like a baby.  Not the fact that the cake isn’t perfect…but that it physically hurts to bake a fucking cake…btw the cake tastes awesome! Cause I did bake it with love (and drugs, but not drugs in the cake).

 And I did all this for Boy # 2…cause he is the best birthday gift I ever received, and nothing I get from here on out will ever top him!





The trip began in the early morning; first stop was at the convenience store 12.3 miles south of town. Fill up the tank; get some water, maybe a snack for later, cookies looked good, you know those small six pack of cookies, with the generic vanilla flavor that you would never eat at any other time unless you had a few hundred miles of road ahead of you, bag of chips and maybe some flower seeds. Oh and might as well get the bathroom visit out of the way as there will be no other stops until the arrival at the final destination.

I am constantly fiddling with the radio, it’s what I do when I drive alone, keeps me awake, keeps me company, I sure do miss my satellite radio with the infinite possibilities of choices other than old cry-in-your-beer country songs. I always play these little games in my head when I drive solo, I count things, but not for long…that one bores me. I patiently wait for the first idiot that feels like he needs to drive like a bat out of hell. Then I get on his ass and stay on it until we go our separate ways. I think to myself…let him be the idiot that gets the speeding ticket…I am just his shadow.

The scenery is dry for the first hundred miles or so, a lot of empty flat land, and the occasional dead deer on the side of the road, sometimes I count those. Have to always scan the road ahead, both sides for as many miles as my diminishing sight will allow. My safety depends on being vigilant on the road, especially these long stretches of road where sometimes there are no other vehicles in sight for hours and long stretches. Wouldn’t like to hit one of those and have to wait for a tow or any other I-don’t-want-to-imagine scenarios that unfortunately go through my head.

Finally a green sign ahead, you know the ones, with the white reflective letters spelling out the destination and miles left. I’m getting that feeling in my ass, the numbness that settles in, it extends down my legs, or rather my criss-crossed legs. I am so ready to get there, knowing that I probably should stop somewhere first and get myself to a bathroom, freshen up and maybe pick up some more water, but I don’t. I press on; it is just a few more miles.

I chair dance, I also sing, with glee and loud too, I imagine that the horrifying screeching sounds coming out of my mouth would probably shatter an ear drum if I had an unwilling audience.  I laugh at that thought, I am self aware and I know I don’t have a singing voice, but I do have a lively imagination and I can tweak the sounds, pretty much as if I had a professional studio ensemble and my own private recording studio ready to amplify this sound or minimize it…yeah my own imaginary crew probably sits behind the glass and mutes me as they smile and give me two thumbs up.

Well I made it.

I pull up into the driveway, unfasten my seat belt, get out of the car, stretch for a bit, lean back in to grab my purse and pick up the cookie wrapper that fell out of my lap. I see the rickety steps and hear the dogs barking inside announcing my arrival. I make my way up to the door, walk in and take it all in.

The look of the place is not what I would have pictured. My mind likes to imagine things that will always serve to disappoint me. But I am prepared for disappointment. It has always been there but so have my Jedi mind tricks and their ridiculous machinations.

The first assault is visual, I had pictured muted beiges, perhaps a couple of sconces by the door, a nice print on the big wall across from the elegant picture window. The fireplace was there in my imagination but the reality of it was a cornea searing monstrosity. But back to what my imagination had dreamed up before I regale you with actualities. Yes, a thick plush sink your bare feet carpet and tasteful dark tapestry in tones of burgundy. Massive oak side tables with a matching coffee table, lamps with crystal tear drops and an out of this world antique grandfather clock.

Back to reality.

There are knick knacks on every possible flat surface, kitschy, and ugly, feathered and bedazzled glittering abominable creations. The layout was more Fingerhut than Neiman Marcus. But the second assault was to my olfactory senses, I believe; truly believe that I may have damaged a few of the receptors after my first breath of the air within the two steps from the threshold. What in tarnations is that?  It’s like my dead grandmother, but she’s not dead, she has just been dipped in old lady powder and propped up on a recliner, of course that smell is mixed in with formaldehyde and puppy pee, no it’s worse than puppy pee, it’s cat pee.

I want to put a fork in my own eye, the left one, the right one I would prefer to pull a feather from the wall next to me and jab it in my eye and hopefully it is long enough to pierce my brain. Oh and my nose, well I will never be able to unsmell the death and powdery smells that took to my nostrils.

I stand there, frozen, transfixed by all these pretty (ugly) things tacked to the walls, and the smell is like a spell cast on me. Please someone either wake me up or shoot me.

Turns out “I’m fine” is girl speak for “I’m not fine”~

I read that somewhere…I think there is some truth to that….oops I said I think. I don’t think….or I try not to think, thinking is not my forté….not much is lately. I’m just not up for being in the present…but I am, it’s one of those things you have no control over, unless you off yourself…which has been suggested…but then I’d make my half bastards full bastards.

In other news….yesterday I was going to make all my calls to all family to wish them all a merry xmas but I didn’t make it through my whole phone book….after a few calls my brain was fried. Not that it takes much to fry my brain…I’ve got two neurons left and they aren’t on speaking terms….kinda fuckers everything up in my head.

I made menudo yesterday…I should have cooked it outside, my house smells yuck, I ate a bit of it, it needed more spice, but because my kids whine if it is too spicy I didn’t add enough spice to it…I had to cook it with them in mind as they were going to eat the majority of it.

Today…well if I survive round two of holiday phone calls I may go ahead and do some baking. Lime bars, peach cake, cookies and maybe pie…we shall see…I’m not really up for it…I really want to just crawl in bed, stay under the covers and give a big fuck you to the world…not that the world has done anything to me…I’m just feeling blah, and rather than take it out on my babies, I choose the world at large…..but that means nothing…I’m staying home in my own little world, so the world is safe from me…

I started reading another book last night…then my mind started wandering….so I had to call it a night….woke up throughout the night, finally decided to just get up….boy # 3 is up early too, I’ve had my coffee and I am off to go tackle a bit of housecleaning and laundry…nothing like getting busy to get the blood flowing…maybe I can push those two neurons together and they can kiss and make up.

Guilt free~

Last month I broke my bathroom scale….right before the Thanksgiving holiday…I was not to thrilled about it, but that cheap $5 scale had served me well for many years. I decided I would not worry too much about indulging over Thanksgiving. I ate dozens of cookies, rich, crunchy pecan filled butter cookies. I ate pumpkin pie, I ate pink cloud salad, rolls, turkey and all the fixings….and at one point I realized I had gained a good seven pounds….I continued to eat all kinds of goodies, figuring I would replace my scale and then try to get back on track with being a bit more mindful of the amounts of food I put in my face.

Well fast forward to last Sunday and I was able to replace my $5 scale with a newer scale for $7…one drawback the numbers are smaller and sometimes I can’t quite tell where the dial is pointing to…but as long as it doesn’t go over a certain number I’m good. I did make a small discovery….and that is that I can pretty much still eat as much as I want and my metabolism still works…it is a bit slower than it used to but I am going to work on not being so obsessive over how FAT I am. (I know it’s all in my head)

Days away~

Thanksgiving is but a few mere days away…I am confounded at the different blogs, status updates or postings made by different people, friends, family and a few strangers.

The most popular feeling is “Stress”…

Seems like so many are stressed, over where they are spending the holiday…his or her family, mine or yours, here or there….I think to myself…”Wow…where is the joy?”

I am not a big holiday person…at least not “BIG” like most others get about the holidays…Me…well I am content with having my family and loved ones with me…last year I had my 3 boys do all the cooking, it was fun and this year I will have all three boys with me again…and once again they will do a majority of the cooking. I will supervise….and assist.

I feel sorry for the many other individuals who have conflicts with guests…who is bringing what, who is cooking what…who is helping to clean….yada, yada, yada…..

We have a turkey…we will do mashed potatoes, gravy, dressing, green bean casserole, rolls, pumpkin pies, cookies…punch…and I’m sure there will be other stuff…I’ve somehow managed to either do all this on my own or coordinate it all to where we can get all the  stuff on the table at a set time….no real fuss or muss….I open my home to my kids, my loved ones, family, friends….if you want to contribute something…great…if you can’t…no biggie….I just need a rough idea of how many more people to count….then I can add another side….

I guess my point is….why go through with all this holiday stuff if you are going to stress it? I am not into the holidays like most people…I enjoy the family part of it…..the stress…well I can do without it….and I have been around it enough to know I don’t want any part of it….

Wishing y’all a stress free day of thanks.

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