Shell shocked….continued

I remember her walking in and I knew something was not right. I didn’t know her aside from brief interactions at the counter or as I made rounds….but I was seeing a person that was in shock.

I asked if she was ok, she broke down for a split second and disclosed that she had just been diagnosed with cancer.

The next day she came in after her first treatment.

Somewhere along the way I just felt I needed to be there for her, she hasn’t disclosed the details and I haven’t probed….but I have found a new friend and I’ll do what I can to be there for her.

Things ~


love…it was madly, truly, deeply and sick and twisted gut wrenching blood curdling ~~ life…it just got sucked out of every pore, yet there is no end to it …death wishes come to taunt and tease understanding of pure evil disguised and wrapped in dogoodiness that isn’t that good sleep, never peaceful never fitfull joy wiped away  pictures found, memories that don’t fit, shouldn’t fit, should be destroyed anvils and albatrosses tears dreams broken spiritless


Good things~

Woke up feeling good, mind you that I didn’t get much sleep and that the sleeplessness was due to not being able to get into a pain-free position. Pain my new best friend. I have decided to treat the pain kindly, no more cussing it out. It has been way too long since I have woken up with a positive attitude, and it feels good. 

Had an early appointment this AM, have another this PM, the early one went well, got good news there, hoping the second one yields the same results.

Getting a new central A/C installed, the old one was well, old, very old. My belly is hungry, but I’m sorta kinda trapped in my room as the installers are right outside my door with all their equipment.

Oh and on another happy note, the grass is trying to be grass again, the much-needed rain perked it up a bit. I still need to get out there and clean up the yard a bit, branches and trash, leaves and old pecans. Maybe this evening if the pain doesn’t intensify.

Maybe that hug was not so sweet and innocent~

I saw my floor looking a bit sad so I gave it a hug (with my back and ass)…somehow I managed to hug tighter than I should have and now I’m paying for it. I’ve been putting off a visit to my back doctor…Monday I will call my primary and have him set me up for xrays then a visit. Perhaps I can just email a copy of the film if he can’t find or see anything. I’m dreading this entire process, the cost associated with all this. The having to leave my house. I’m hoping to at least get a refillable prescription for some happy pills…and some pain pills. I can’t continue to delude myself…I’m off my rocker. And I want out.

I so wish those people talking about “The Rapture” were on to something. If all “THIS” was gone tomorrow I’d be totally okay with it. I already live in my own hell…tired of it. There are a few bright spots in my life, my kids, my family, my friends…but for the most part there is darkness. I don’t bring anything to the table. Blah, blah, blah….fuckity, fuck, fuck.

Waiting for my meds to kick in…if this doesn’t happen soon I’ll be spewing crap about boundaries….and dust bunnies.

Just one of them days~ part 2

I’ve had intentions today, but haven’t found the motivation to follow through. My head hurts, my heart hurts, my back hurts, my gut hurts…but fuck it…all that hurt is a simple reward for being alive. I even smiled as I put a positive spin on that bit of nonsense.

Boy # 3 came in 42 out of 44, and he was pleased with that…he was just glad he wasn’t the last one. Not sure if him getting over a cold and using his inhaler as of late had anything to do with his results. I’m glad he had fun at the meet, and who knows maybe at the next one he will place higher.

I’ve been reading on and off today, can’t seem to stay focused on my book. I’m also listening to some of my favorite tracks on my playlist. Tomorrow is grocery shopping day and shoe shopping day….for the boys, not for me.  Maybe I can hit two birds with one stone.

Once again the overwhelming desire to bolt is present. Where to go?

Just one of them days~

…where I question my choices…where I want to eat away my thoughts, frustrations…but all that is pointless. Instead I’m going to force myself to get out and just get on with the business of life.

This thing about thinking and rehashing things in my head is only giving me a headache…I can think of other pointless things that can give me a headache…or a backache…or stomach ache….

and with that I’m checking out~

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