Wednesday 08.10.11

A would have been anniversary came and went, an anniversary came and went. Same day different shit, or is it same shit different day?

Well actually it’s whatever, the day came and went, no fanfare, no nada. Does anyone else remember or is it just me, and does it matter. I guess in the end it doesn’t…life or lack of it is like that. One day you are here and then poof…you are gone. Dead as a doornail. Whatever the hell could that expression really mean? (Now I’m intrigued with this vampire series penned by Charlaine Harris, if anyone has these books and no longer wants them PM for my address so you can send them to me, yes really, I’d buy them but there’s that little annoyance called cash flow I am currently not simpatico with.)

I was running low on coffee and I bought a can from the very bottom shelf. For those penny pinchers such as myself, we know where the lower prices are, the bottom shelves. Anywho this coffee sucks ass, so now I have to break into an older coffee stash of better bean variety and mix it up with this asstastic coffee to produce a less asstastic blend. Sucks to pinch a penny and only get shit out of it. Damn you Abe Lincoln. Well more like Damn you Benjamin Franklin for not being a better friend to me. All asstasticness aside I am drinking this low-cost brew of morning java, need it for the medicinal properties more than anything. I seems to have awoken with a headache that would make any puketastic hung over lout feel extra proud of their night of debauchery. Of course no such debauchery for me, again because I am more friends with Abe rather than Ben. Tis what I gets for slumming.

Onwards and upwards my dears. (This Arabella Weir title also sounds promising, I’d love to get my hands on a copy.) Always look forward, look into the light, no really, look into the light until your eyes burn and you are momentarily blinded. Why you may ask…well why not, sure it seems to be an exercise in stupidity, but isn’t much of life thataway? We tend to go all willy nilly doing things half cocked just for the sheer pleasure of going against the norm. Oh not you, you say. Well tis is fine, but some of us more adventurous types have no issue with out of the norm tasks…yep…I’m looking at the light, well no not this minute, but I did like two minutes ago. Then my eyes began to burn and I quit, quit like the loser in a game of chicken, Light you win this round, see ya on the flip side.

And we are off….

blah, blah, blah~

Just finished reading Cross by James Patterson, I need to look for my next read…I’m undecided as to what I want to engross myself in…so for now the selection is up in the air. I’ve reordered scrips, and replied to a couple of emails, I’ve had my coffee too.

I need to go and fiddle around the fridge and make room for the turkey…the thawing out process needs to start.

Last night after spending some time on Skype with my girls I was painfully reminded that I cannot keep my head in the sand as I am prone to do. I am not ready to deal with making the arrangements yet for my next hospital visit. I have looked at the school calendar and it works pretty good, the boys will be out of school while I am in the hospital….one less thing to worry about. The only thing to keep in mind is I need to be dropped off and picked up…other than that I should be okay….but for now it isn’t something I want to worry about….I’d much rather keep happy thoughts in my head…like the next few days where I get to enjoy having my boys around.

Maybe today I will find energy to make a cake…I need/want/must have something sweet.


Sunday, bloody Sunday

do you look forward to Sundays with me?
do you look forward to Sundays with me?

Well, don’t know about any blood yet, but it is Sunday. I have been up for quite a while…I’m on my last cup of coffee, took the pooch out to potty, woke the boys up, put a bag outside my door for a freecycler, finishing up with this post, emails, and newspapers…then I’m throwing some jeans on, a tank top, flip flops and my hair up then off to the wall. It has been a while since I’ve been there and I need to pick up some grocery items. I’ve been sending the boys and that works for the most part, but I need to make the trip and get other things…things I can’t think of until I go up and down the aisle. I am so not a list maker…I’m taking the boys with me as I need to get them a couple of things as well and the wall does not provide carryout service and I don’t have it in me to load and unload anything.

It wasn’t a bad one, not a great one either…

I started my morning with my normal routine…yes I’m getting into a routine again…it has taken a while but I’m getting there…which is coffee and my computer. I check my emails, check my credit card, online banking, make sure no unauthorized charges are on my accounts. I read local and hometown newspapers, read national and world headlines that grab me and stop at a few other regular online places…pretty boring, pretty routine. This morning I announced to the boys I would take them to the mall…after my shower and theirs. I selected some Capri’s, a white T and my new floral flats, I showered, dressed, put my contacts in, put my hair up and went to sit in front of the TV to put my face on and watch something or other I had recorded. I don’t remember what I watched. Not remembering is happening more often than I care for. Damn drugs.


So anywho…we were ready, and I decided I would leave my shell (back brace) behind. I can’t wear it when I drive and I don’t need it if I am going to be sitting down. On our way there I drove by D’s bus stop, so he will know where he needs to catch the bus for school.


We arrive at the mall, I had D get my wheelchair out and wheel me into the store and gave him and his brother the okay to go and do their thing. I stayed at Dillard’s and attempted to look around…it is a nightmare to really get around, the racks are almost too close, actually they are too close, but what the heck, I managed to get around, knocked a few things off the racks and kept on going. I felt bad because someone was going to have to go pick things up, but at the same time it isn’t my fault that I can’t get around without knocking stuff down.


I didn’t find anything, I pretty much gave up, and so I went in search of the boys. Along the way I had to stop due to my back feeling some strain from using my arms…my ROM is still out of whack. I must have looked pained or pathetic as a couple of guys stopped and offered to push me. That was a nice gesture, and I was touched that they didn’t look at me with pity. At this point I see D so I thank them and let them know help has arrived. We went to one more store and then headed home. I was wiped out. We were only gone for about an hour and a half. I got home changed into something more comfy and took a nap. I can’t wait until I am able to get out on my own and not wear out so quickly. It was good to get out.

Conversations with the self~

The wonderful, tolerant, secure and centered woman I am most of the time is now having occasional and somewhat frequent bouts of irrational thoughts and sulkiness and I’ve taken to fixating on some pretty strange ideas. Let me give you an example. ….

One morning over the weekend, I got up to make coffee and found myself walking into the bathroom and standing before the mirror and I caught a glare, yes you heard that right, I was glaring at myself in the mirror…..

What’s up with you? I asked my still half asleep self…I had a face that seemed carved out of the most sour  and acidic lemon to ever grow on a tree…there was a long silence….as I shunned myself…I asked myself again the same question, but I shunned myself once again, perhaps it was the lack of caffeine that was affecting my hearing, I padded back to the kitchen, the pot was done brewing my java, sweet nectar of life, it sustains me, it gives life to me when I believe myself to be dead….it also gives me the worst breath you can imagine, but that’s okay, I can slay a dragon or two, so I can’t complain… after taking a few strong bodied sips of my Joe I asked my reflection in the mirror again, self….what is up with you?….

Seems that I was still shunning myself, I did so in my sleep, I went to give myself a much needed hug, but instead I pushed myself away….yes, in my sleep, I rejected myself and it hurt, deeply….you know the rejection you feel when you reach out for a candy at the store in the checkout lane and your hand is slapped away or you are loudly admonished with a piercing shrieking no, well that is how I felt at that precise moment…..

At this point, I think you get the idea of how ridiculous I am sounding but having committed myself to the argument; I am not going to give it up easily. I believe this is merely a subconscious manifestation of my desire for freedom. What followed was a good two hours of internally dissecting said incident…..

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