Catching you up ~

Happy Birthday to my Sweetie Pie~ Andrew ♥

Yesterday my little tater, boy # 3 turned fourteen, he woke up to two zits, and a mother that had just fallen asleep. My insomnia has been keeping me up all night and I had done some reading, tossing and turning and finally gave in to the zzz’s at about 5:30~ish. He took a shower then came to my room and just stood there….waiting. In my half sleep/half dead stupor I was like”what?” thinking he had asked me something and I missed the question. Poor baby just stood there hinting…..finally it dawned on me, he was waiting for me to wish him a happy birthday….bad mom. Sorta….earlier this month I had taken him out shopping and bought him a couple of shorts and other stuff, told him to consider it an early birthday present. He was okay with that. Saturday we went out to eat for his birthday, his pick, he chose Olive Garden….great choice. It is one of my faves. Boy # 2 was being an ass and didn’t want to join us…that hurt his feelings. But that is how his brother is…a jackhole whenever he wants to be…so I punished him by making him do his brother’s dishes.

Today I decided to get out for a bit. I had 3 gift cards to one of my favorite stores and decided to go and splurge….well I didn’t splurge much, found some Levi Boyfriend jeans and a black top, but I think I’m returning the blouse, it runs a bit too big for me….so anyway I finally spent all I had on one of the gift cards, it was a $50.00 gift card that I’ve been using for quite a while….I bought a bunch of stuff with that one card….cause I’m cool like that…or rather I’m just a cheap ass.

I was gone for maybe 45 minutes….long enough to be in too much pain that I had to pop a happy pill….and no it didn’t make me happy but it took the edge off the pain….for a bit…not nearly as long as I would like. That shit is fucking annoying…I guess I need stronger pain meds….so anyway I got home and put my pjs back on….and propped myself on the couch with a few pillows, heating pad and the remote.

I then got up after a while and started cooking…Arroz con Pollo (Chicken and Rice). Boy # 2 got home and I had him help me, made some brownies…actually Boy # 2 made them, all I had to do was spray the pan and pour the mix in and put it in the oven.

I watched  a bit more TV, the boys joined me, we ate in the living room, something I don’t let them do too often. Then I retired to my room. I went to bed with my book…read a few chapters and then gave up reading. Decided to get online, pay some bills, browse here and there and here I am now….



My internal bitch~o~meter feels like it’s off the charts. I’m tired of this daily pain…tired of being tired after doing nothing. I’m still battling insomnia…hmmm…could be why I’m tired all the time.

I started another book, yet I can’t remember what I’ve read.

This concludes my bitchfest.

yes I want one!

3am ramblings

I need a fresh glass of ice water…brb.

Back…found the back door open, not just unlocked but wide open. Kids are safe and the house is now secured.


not Miriam...

I bought some boots…they aren’t the ones I drooled over, but fit my budget…sorta…they don’t really fit my budget…but oh well…if I die with the debt of them…no biggie.

I just got up to get more water…and double check doors. I hate when I can’t sleep….oh yesterday I made a list of ingredients I will need for holiday baking….I found a recipe for a lemon pie, actually 2 recipes, one bake and one no bake, I think I want to try both. I have to readjust the budget for all the extras…and hope my tree will produce good pecans this year…that would save a considerable amount…as a lot of the goodies I’ll be baking call for pecans.

I have my AC off and it doesn’t feel too bad in here…oh and I need to check and see if my rent has been paid…I hope it has…I hate seeing my checking account looking so pitiful….

Well I don’t have much…oh yeah I do need to try to get to Austin sooner, back has been hurting like a bitch…time to reevaluate pain management options.


sweet slumber~

If you know me then you will know this about me…I exist in a chronic state of sleep deprivation. I have suffered from this condition my entire life and I will probably never experience a cure unless it involves medication. I don’t want any more medication than I already take. We are genetically engineered to need at least 8 hours of sleep, but in reality very few of us ever get that many. I sleep for a good hour and wake up, toss and turn, go back to sleep, and maybe get two hours…and the pattern repeats itself. It is quite tiresome and when that is compounded with chronic pain it really starts to suck big fat purple monkey balls.

“Just go to bed early”….that one has never worked for me….why go to bed early…that will just be more time to toss and turn…..and my back cannot take that much time spent in a horizontal position. Last night felt like a good dose of recovery sleep, though my body and mind are nut fully rested we are on the right track…and if I feel a nap coming on well then I am going to listen to my body.

I feel somewhat lethargic, I also feel a bit energized, but not enough to do anything productive. I will probably alternate between watching TV, reading and napping today. My body is screaming for rest…and I am listening.

For my friend Tracy~

According to Mapquest we are separated by 1,228.15 miles or 18 hours and 5 minutes driving time….in reality we are separated by less than that. On the nights we talk to each other we are separated by a screen as we Skype each other. When we sit or lay down on either of our end to talk to each other very little truly separates us. We can talk about our frustrations with chronic pain, our disappointments as mothers that cannot truly be as hands on as we would like to be. We can talk about our struggles getting dressed, getting up, going to the bathroom, all the everyday activities that others take for granted. We can laugh and bitch about the well-meaning people who tell us to just stay positive. We know that no matter how positive we try to be we will not get better, sure we will have good days or at least better days. For Tracy sadly the reality is that MS ( multiple sclerosis) will continue to rob her of her abilities to be independent….the scary part is that it can happen seemingly overnight. There is no known cure at this time, I urge you to do what you can to support the ongoing research for a cure.

~mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend & so much more~

Tracy is a beautiful, intelligent, strong and amazing friend…she is a mother, wife, sister, daughter and a great friend to many.

My heart goes out to you Tracy, I know your fears, I know your anger. We have been dealt a shitty hand, and there is no fairness in this. I love how I can sit here and talk to you and you get me, same as I get you. We don’t have to sugar coat crap with each other, we can joke about the “right-to-die”….holding up banks…going to prison, bouncing off the walls of our crazy, yet cozy Padded Room.

Truth be told…

I am in pain, lots of pain, too much pain, fucking pain. I’m tired. I hurt. I want to go to bed and sleep, but I can’t. I can lay on my back for a short while. I can lay on one side or the other for a short while. Then it is a struggle to find a position that works. None do. I’m tired of popping pain pills and frying my brain. I’m just tired.

I don’t want pity. When you see me and it makes you feel good you are not me or you aren’t going through what I am…that just might be something you should keep to yourself…no not you (reading this) but someone else not reading this.

don't ask....

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