I did things for myself….~

I always do things for myself….heck it was my bday, woothefuckhoo…another day….so now I am officially another year older…yay!!!

Nothing to do with my post, it just cracked me up....lol

 

I had things to do…like fetch new drugs….now that is something to get excited about….right…maybe these new magical little things will make life the picture perfect daisy and green grass soft as brand new plush carpet thrill a minute ride we all dream about…you do dream about that shit don’t cha?????

So I took my happy ass….oh wait…getting ahead of myself…let’s back up a spell or two…aww….coffee…fresh brewed all I gotta do ispushthebuttonandthebrownstuffwillpumpoutthetopintothepot ….yes, that was the start to my day…well after Boy#3 came into my room wanting to rifle thru my dresser drawers…I’m half asleep at this point…cause I’m not up and haven’t had the nectar of the gods yet….so he whispers his apologies for being in my room, asks me to cover my face cause he needs to turn the light on…I’m not ready to be up so I do as he asks…wasn’t sure (or could care less) at what he was looking for (I thought he was looking for the sweet tarts I had stashed). He obviously found what he was looking for then proceeded to turn the light off and tell me “Let me be the first one to wish you a happy birthday”. He gave me a hug and he started to leave…that is when I asked him to go ahead and get my coffee going.

So anyway back to where I was before I got ahead of myself….I had my coffee….oh wait…gotta tell you this…I found Almond Joy coffee creamer…OMFG….like for serious…orgasmic…chocolate, almonds, coconut.√,√,√. Three of my loves (aside from my boys). Okay, after my coffee, I got in the shower, then after my uneventful (no falling on my ass (or face) or landscaping escapades, I got out, wrapped myself up in my big fluffy chocolate-brown towel, wrapped my hair up in another towel and went back to the living room. Yes just in towels…turned my TV on, turned my laptop on and grabbed my makeup bag….I put my face on while I watched some prerecorded reality crap and caught up with some emails….OMFG again….(sorry for the cussing) all these wonderful emails from friends and family wishing me a happy birthday….***Sigh*** I don’t do bdays….not for me anyway…not where I get excited about them….I didn’t have the foresight to make my DOB invisible on all my social networking sites….so I was madly scrambling about to try to acknowledge every individual bday wish….sheesh…too much…after the 4th or 5th I was thinking to myself…”Self…you aren’t this special…nobody ever remembers your bday, just like you don’t remember anyone’s bday” But this is the beauty of social networking…it “helps” us remember these milestones, like bdays, anniversaries, parties, etc, etc….

So anywho I exhausted myself trying to reply to all….(I’m sure I missed a few here or there). I got my face on…, by this time my hair is mostly dry, somewhat curly…good enough to where I can get away with going out without any extra hair effort….put my makeup bag away, turn off my laptop, turn off my TV and go throw my dress on…YES dress….why not….I was thinking I would be good to myself and take me out to lunch. Grab my purse, keys, shades, check doors all is secure and I take off….guess what I found out…my truck keys work on my car….I had previously checked but they didn’t work….yeah I know random….

Okay so now I’m out the door, I head out, I got things to do…which was the original title of this post before I digressed all over the place….I headed to the grocery store, where I snagged a bottle of wine for a $1.00 good shit too….it was on sale, but I was charged regular price, then in the confusion I was not charged for something else but then got charged for one more of something else, but the bottom line is I ended up paying a $1.00 for the wine…woothefuckhoo!!!

So I left the grocery store then headed to the pharmacy….where new drugs were awaiting me….yay….now normally I don’t get excited about scrips…but fuck I’ve been in so much fucking pain I’m ready to try something new…and I can’t sleep, so why not try something new for that…and I’m depressed and want to kill you before I kill myself so why not try something for that too….oh and because I have to break in my new insurance that I’m paying money out the ass for and haven’t been able to afford to use, not that I can afford it now….but WTF let’s just go all out and spend money we don’t have for my useless cripple ass….

But anywho by the time I was done with this crap I was no longer in the mood for lunch…I had a cake to bake for my beautiful bday boy and a couple of other food stuffs for his bday. So I unloaded the food stuff and drug stuff and put things away. Took a short break and then went all out and baked his cake…still in my dress…cause why not…it’s my freaking bday and I should look all hot and purty when I’m playing Suzie homemaker…but I had a major cake fail….the cake batter is somewhat heavy and I should have pounded the cake pans harder than I did to even out the batter but guess what….that shit fucking hurts…yeppers it hurt my back to try to do that….so I threw them in the oven like that and hoped for the best….and the best that I got was two uneven cakes that were high in the middle…not a wise move to stack them…but hey that was my plan…to stack them….so anyways I was doing really good, cakes were holding up pretty good, I got them all iced up and was working on finishing up the sides when the top layer starts cracking in the middle…no problem I have enough icing to fill in the crack…all done…place glass cover over glass pedestal and walk away….come back a few minutes later and my purty cake had a new crack….FUCK…this is the little shit that just makes me want to curl up in a corner and bawl like a baby.  Not the fact that the cake isn’t perfect…but that it physically hurts to bake a fucking cake…btw the cake tastes awesome! Cause I did bake it with love (and drugs, but not drugs in the cake).

 And I did all this for Boy # 2…cause he is the best birthday gift I ever received, and nothing I get from here on out will ever top him!

 

 

 

In Honor of yo’ mama~

For the Popular Mom: A Super Deluxe Margaritaville Drink Maker

For the Stressed-Out Mom: lavender scented candles and a DO NOT DISTURB door sign or a heavy duty door stop.

For the Damn, Woman, You Sho Got Some Nasty Feet Mom: The Ped Egg Foot File! Have you seen the skankilicious commercials promoting these crud scrapers….I mean come on, my feet look like I took them to a walk through the valley of death…they actually have some models willing to show the dead carcass scraped off their feet…yuck…

For the Wants to Lose Her Baby Weight Because Her Baby Is Now 22 Years-Old and Has a Goatee Mom: The Body Before Baby head to toe Surgical Rejuvenation Package from DR. 90210…this could include a boob lift, ass lift,  tummy tuck and maybe a lip plumper…

For the Unpopular Mom: The Single-Serve Coffeemaker!

For the Really Unpopular Mom: The One-Touch Can Opener!

For the Why Even Bother? Mom: A box of chocolates, these are not edible, they look pretty in the box, but dammit take a bite off of any of these squares…and there is no telling what you’ll be spitting out.

For the You Scarred me for Life when You Spanked me Mom: Any functional household appliance.


And For The Honestly, Is This What You Think Of Me Cause If It Is, I’m Gonna Leave This House So Damn Fast It’ll Make Your Head Spin, Therefore I Suggest You Get Your Lame Ass In Gear And Head To The First Store That Doesn’t Have An “‘n” In Its Name To Immediately Buy Mama Somethin’ Shiny Mom: The Steam Mop!

For the When I said I wanted a massage, I Meant From Someone Named Sven, not from this Piece Of Crap – Mom: The Massage Cushion With Heat…so yeah it’s got a few settings, but dammit, it doesn’t work as hard as Sven!

For the Let’s See…Which Do I Have More Of–Wrinkles Or Pimples? Mom: A Wide Selection of Vanity Mirrors…add to that some acne medication and some wrinkle filler….

In all seriousness, for me the perfect Mother’s Day would be a day off from being a mom. I love my babies, but a hug and a kiss and reassurance that they would be okay locked up in the closet while mom had a day off would be great. No whining in the morning for breakfast, my coffee pot ready to go…I play mom every day, I don’t need another day where I have to play dress-up and go out to eat (and I have to pay), where everyone and their dog already is, cause everyone has the same idea….so every restaurant within a 20 mile radius will be to capacity…..ideally for me…I would get up, have my coffee, do my laundry, chill with a good book and enjoy a quiet day. I don’t crave, want or desire any special recognition on Mother’s Day, I don’t want my kids buying into the commercial aspect of this as well as any other holiday…I want whatever they give me or whatever they do for me to come from the heart. Andrew still owes me from last year…he had a head start on what I find to be the perfect expression of love and appreciation, he hand made a gift card entitling me to 25 minutes or less of a back massage…now how sweet is that….and trust me I am cashing in on it…I’ll spare him the full 25 minutes….he can quit at 24 minutes and 59 seconds…I figure I didn’t get to quit at 1 hour of labor…..I just thought it was the cutest thing for him to add the “or less”…as if!  I know I am not in the majority, but honestly I hate holidays, I am not all that crazy about anniversaries, I am not driven by any commercially and ad exploited day with significance, here is my wish for you fellow Mommies ~ have a great day, doing whatever you do, enjoy and appreciate whatever you get ~ and remember your job ain’t ever done!

 

Flower Hatingly Me~

Dang chocolate crapsicles!

From the archives….do you think the ancient Egyptians ever got curious? (You know, after all that hard work mummifying people, sucking their lifeless brains out through their cold, stiff nostrils, and pumping them full of concoctions of salves and just taking a peek to see what is in there. Boy # 1 had a fascination with all things Egyptian…) And if they ever did, don’t you think they saw how the flesh was all beat up and crunchy, and how the limbs were all shrivelly, and how the body was clearly no use to anyone who already had a smelly, wrinkly paperweight lying around. Don’t you think they saw all of that and exclaimed, ‘Dang chocolate crapsicles! This stuff ain’t working!’ Come to think of it, did they have chocolate back then and there? I dunno. Cats, yeah. Scarabs, sure. But chocolate? No idea. But what the hell good are scarabs and cats, if they’re not covered in chocolate? Makes no sense.

Anyway, I’m just saying that if those guys took a look at their handiwork, maybe they’d have had second thoughts about the whole process. Maybe they’d have started using real preservatives, or vacuum-sealed freezer bags, or something.

Or maybe, just maybe, it took thousands of years for those corpses to start rotting. If those pharaoh-stuffing fools looked at the time, the mummies might have looked perfectly normal. For all I know, they unwrapped them and sat them up for tea socials and dinner parties. Hey, who knows….maybe those bodies look so bad now because their previous owners have been using them in the afterlife all this time. Who the hell are we to say?

Egyptian gods~

And dammit… what the hell have I been talking about? This shit doesn’t even make sense to me. Egyptian gods of crapsicles?

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