Dark Daze~

My first taste of the sweetness that came with the thought of ending her life was also the first time I experienced a great sense of calm.

The first image came in a quick flash, but the rest of my day was filled with bloody images. A knife plunged into her chest.

I would have stood a tantalizing few minutes in front of her to allow her time to goad me. She wouldn’t make me wait long. It would have been one to two minutes max before she’d have screeched out her favorite “You stupid bitch!”. I would have  smiled and then I’d have brought the knife out, I’d have aimed for that place where most human bodies house a heart.  In my mind I could see me thrusting that long serrated edged knife deep, twisting it, all the while looking at her and finally telling her “I love you mommy” of course I’d be smiling and then I’d ask her “Is that what you mean by sarcasm?”.

CW~ I Have Cancer

“I Have Cancer” ~~~ Disclaimer: I Ruby, do not have cancer. CW= Creative Writing……Admittedly when I heard the news I was not shocked. I’ve been numb since I got back from the clinic. Everything was routine, the yearly exam, the blood work, the much dreaded PAP, every bit of it was routine. What wasn’t routine was the call back, there is always apprehension when the nurse calls back from the lab with the results. If they even call back, most times it is a standard no news is good news. Today was not standard, was not the norm, today is a nightmare.

How will I tell my kids, how will I tell my family? Will I die soon, will I live long and in agony? What about checking my kids? How long have I had it? I have a million questions, they wrap around my head a thousand times over. They spill out. I walk around with a notepad. I stop and I write down the next question. I keep it hidden from my kids, I tell them I’m just writing another short story.

I want to claw my skin off, I want to scratch my eyes out. I want to throw up, again, I’ve been throwing up over and over again. Is it because I am just a bad person, further proof that I am not worthy of any happiness? I just want to end it all. I have pills. I need to stop taking them. I need to refill my prescription. I need to know how many it will take. I can’t be here. I have to end it.


Blood gives way to fluff~

So as I read about death, dismemberment, blood and all that good stuff and let my head be filled with all things murderous I decided to give myself a break and read some light fluff.

I found this fluff in “The Notebook”, and I say fluff because this is a love story, and I don’t do love stories very well, frivolous fairy tales of escapism reminding me of the earliest readings of Harlequin romances….yuck, yuck, puke, puke. To give the author credit, there was a serious deviation from the familiarly outlined plots found in the garbage strewn pages of a Harlequin novel. I am thankful for this, and with great shame I must admit that I enjoyed the damn book and I even spilt tears a couple of times, and if anyone dares to mock me over this, well fuck you….that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

I did enjoy the book over the movie and I’m glad that I didn’t read the book first, that would have ruined the movie for me as there were several inconsistencies, as there usually are when a book is turned into a movie.

yuck, yuck, puke, puke

So what is it about fluff…fluff is nothing more than lint trapped in a belly button…or a dryer….or on your favorite black garment….so anyhoo…I’m thankfully done with the fluff and I can now return myself to meatier reading.

I give the book two thumbs up…even though reading this kind of stuff takes me longer….

If I can’t have you…..

Last night I started reading If I Can’t Have You, finished that and started on Thirty Years Later, both case files by Ann Rule, next will be Not Safe at Home, also by Ann Rule, that will conclude my blood and gore and then I’ll move on to the fluff, which I selected and placed by my bed. I just opted to continue reading Ann Rule.

you learn, they're all the same....

Just finished my second cup of Joe, feeling a bit awake, I didn’t get much sleep last night, I tried on and off, instead I read then grabbed my mini laptop and went back to read some emails dating back to September I had not read, replied to some, forwarded others. Before I really did not have much in my inbox that required my attention or what I thought required immediate attention. Tonight if I am up to it I will get back to my email and tackle October and November.

Pay up pal...

Have not seen my tenant, I will be giving him a call with a gentle reminder that rent was due…on the first of the month….

I hope this doesn't take too long...

Shortly I will get back on the crazy phone cycle, where I call, press one for English, enter my account number, my social, DOB and press # and then get to listen to elevator music while I am on hold for however long….I’ve tried bypassing that craziness but their automated system doesn’t allow for that….egads (fuckity, fuck, fuck)

Sunday, bloody Sunday

do you look forward to Sundays with me?
do you look forward to Sundays with me?

Well, don’t know about any blood yet, but it is Sunday. I have been up for quite a while…I’m on my last cup of coffee, took the pooch out to potty, woke the boys up, put a bag outside my door for a freecycler, finishing up with this post, emails, and newspapers…then I’m throwing some jeans on, a tank top, flip flops and my hair up then off to the wall. It has been a while since I’ve been there and I need to pick up some grocery items. I’ve been sending the boys and that works for the most part, but I need to make the trip and get other things…things I can’t think of until I go up and down the aisle. I am so not a list maker…I’m taking the boys with me as I need to get them a couple of things as well and the wall does not provide carryout service and I don’t have it in me to load and unload anything.

I cut myself ~ Just to see if I would bleed

I cut myself to see if I would bleed
I cut myself to see if I would bleed

…and bleed I did, like a mofo….and I didn’t cut myself in an Emo kind of way…more like I was trying to shave and I shaved off a chunk of skin on that spot on your ankle, ladies, you know the spot, I”m sure….so anyway I was dripping blood all over the bathroom floor, trying to clean it up, screaming for a band aid….before that I did some more screaming…I was stepping out of my bedroom and I had already taken out my contacts as I was going to jump in the shower…well when I opened the door I saw a huge ass spider, like a tarantula…a big ass hairy spider of the Theraphosidae family, so I was screaming for Bert AKA Coven my oldest and badass spider killer mom saver son, so when he comes over to see why I am screaming bloody murder he sees what I am pointing at, flips on the hallway light and starts laughing at me. Andrew my second badass spider killing mom saver son comes up to see what is going on and they inform me that the tarantula is simply a big ass hairball. Not hair from a big ass, but from my head…I don’t know how it is that I am not bald…I swear it looked like a big ass hairy spider….sheesh…so I go in search of my lint roller brush and drop it down on the floor where I can roll it over my killer hairball. Why does this shit happen to me? Why do I have to be so blind that I cannot see well enough to tell a hairball from a spider? Anywho I proceeded to roll the damn lint roller all over my bedroom floor…lots more potential “Spiders” were rolled up…at least I won’t have to be taking the vaccuum cleaner apart to get all the hair off the roller….I may start looking at a wig….

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