Triggers…make you go pow, pow

When does no mean yes? How much push should you push when you push back?

Anywho, had a pleasant day with my little one, she continues to astound me with her intelligence, her insight, her sense of humor…just everything about her I love…except the whining….I don’t like that.

Spoke to all three of my boys, collectively as well as individually…except my number 3…it was short and sweet there…my heart hurts, my head hurts…like my brain hurts….so much said, so much not said…demons…we all have them…we can’t all slay them on our own…I wish I could slay others demons…sigh…I am all random here, so much going on in my head…I don’t expect anything up above to make sense to anyone…if I was having an actual conversation with anyone it really would sound like what is in print….best to keep shit to myself…hmm…should just go grab some ice cold water and read myself to sleep…night….good thing about tomorrows…a chance to have a fresh start or screw shit up…

Turns out “I’m fine” is girl speak for “I’m not fine”~

I read that somewhere…I think there is some truth to that….oops I said I think. I don’t think….or I try not to think, thinking is not my forté….not much is lately. I’m just not up for being in the present…but I am, it’s one of those things you have no control over, unless you off yourself…which has been suggested…but then I’d make my half bastards full bastards.

In other news….yesterday I was going to make all my calls to all family to wish them all a merry xmas but I didn’t make it through my whole phone book….after a few calls my brain was fried. Not that it takes much to fry my brain…I’ve got two neurons left and they aren’t on speaking terms….kinda fuckers everything up in my head.

I made menudo yesterday…I should have cooked it outside, my house smells yuck, I ate a bit of it, it needed more spice, but because my kids whine if it is too spicy I didn’t add enough spice to it…I had to cook it with them in mind as they were going to eat the majority of it.

Today…well if I survive round two of holiday phone calls I may go ahead and do some baking. Lime bars, peach cake, cookies and maybe pie…we shall see…I’m not really up for it…I really want to just crawl in bed, stay under the covers and give a big fuck you to the world…not that the world has done anything to me…I’m just feeling blah, and rather than take it out on my babies, I choose the world at large…..but that means nothing…I’m staying home in my own little world, so the world is safe from me…

I started reading another book last night…then my mind started wandering….so I had to call it a night….woke up throughout the night, finally decided to just get up….boy # 3 is up early too, I’ve had my coffee and I am off to go tackle a bit of housecleaning and laundry…nothing like getting busy to get the blood flowing…maybe I can push those two neurons together and they can kiss and make up.

Happy Hump Day Doings~

I’ve had a couple of days…maybe more of feeling generally disconnected…it’ll pass….I’ve been keeping myself busy cleaning out junk drawers, simple little tasks…I’ve done two loads of laundry, which I’ve yet to put away…I’ve sorted, wrapped and counted $91.oo in coins, which I’ve yet to get deposited in the bank. I’ll need to have someone do that for me….that’ll pay for my copay for my next Dr.s appointments, plus transportation….I also have a pile going of jackets, sweaters, shirts, books and other shtuff that need a new home.


There is a light mist outside, I have a pineapple upside down cake in the oven and will make a casserole for dinner this evening. I may make a pot of coffee and indulge in cake before the boys get here….then I’ll watch them demolish it. I have a companion with me, he is curled up in my bed…it is nice to have company, hear other noise besides me hobbling around.


I started catching NCIS, Criminal Minds and CSI on DVR, there are so little choices in primetime and for that matter daytime as well…I peruse the TV guide and set it up for the day, I try to have it at 80% to 90% full because weekends are worse, there is just nothing to watch….I should be reading more….but I can’t afford new books and I can’t get to the library….I’ve got a few books started I should try yo get them all finished and get rid of them.

I’m off to check on my cake….it smells good…then pop a pill and take a nap….

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