Free Flow

He painted my picture

Slashes of evil, strokes of bitterness, splatters of regret

Ribbons of disgust and disdain

He then spoon fed me my beauty, my kindness, my gentle soul

ruby cantu
Soul for Sale~

The juxtaposition is confounding

I stood in front of the mirror

I spoke, on my shoulder he bespoke

I saw the joke, gee what a bloke

We then went for broke

I’m back in my nest, in need of a rest

Never at your behest, save it for the test

Searching for words to feed the birds

head-in-sand-harry-potter1
blah, blah, blah~

I found my autonomy, not easy in this economy

As my head explodes I think of my threnode

I think of the bliss, not your diss

My mind unfettered, freeing and bettered

sarcasm

Ruby Cantu 3.5.19

 

 

Monday randomness~ chaos & me

Everything in my head is upside down, inside out, up and down, here and there…once again reading is presenting a challenge, I hate when that happens.

I noticed the other day that I have been feeling more grown up.  And as I quickly approach 42yrs old I realized I can’t have this feeling of being a kid with all these heavy grown up responsibilities, anymore.  I think I am on my way to being a fully fledged adult.  DAMN, when did this happen?  Next stop, old hagsville where I shake my broom stick at the noisy, annoying kids in the next room.  Oh wait, I have always done that.  At least for their sake, I am getting slower in my old age.

For the last few weeks, I have had an internal struggle going on.  I can’t put my finger exactly on what is bothering me, at least not on one sole individual pet peeve, more like a zoo of manmade inbred freaks but not enough circus tent to house the chaos….but I feel that it has finally caught up with me.  My brain is a mess and I can’t seem to float to the top and figure it all out.  I do know that it is manifesting itself in a surly attitude…I know that my attitude most times is no Ms Sunshine as a matter of fact, I think I shoved her in a closet and there she still sits….and she keeps messing with the order I had tried establishing in said closet…like I had my shoes all organized in boxes and what not, now they are back out of the boxes and I’m thinking maybe life would be better as a man…I could own two pair of shoes and life would flow on the right path….however, I can’t seem to part with my shoes and  I don’t have that air of sarcasm or slight humor behind me right now. ..

So if you see me and I tell you to go have your way with yourself, you know I mean it. 

I seriously considering telling all the idiots who feel like calling and playing the small talk card that I hope they slide down a peroxide laden pole with a raging fresh cut on their ass. 

Life should be great…but it isn’t…I look around and the same stuff that has been here since a year or two or three or ten years ago are still here….I think this funk is my seasonal affliction…is there a train going to Crazyville?

Happy Friday~

I got up too early this morning….I need to go back to bed…if not this day will just drag on….I’m craving a donut….and a chorizo egg & potato burrito…and you know what sucks about craving stuff? Not being able to just jump in my car and drive down the street to get my fix….and that is why my life sucks and yours doesn’t.

My bed and covers beckon me…so I am off to listen to my tired eyes and sleep…maybe when I wake up I won’t feel like such a raging pissy depressed and bitter angry bitch….but I doubt it.

a~b~c’s~ of me

I could easily compile an abc list of me with all kinds of positive words…but what about one where I showcase all the negatives of who I am…as seen through the eyes of others….well here you are….me uncensored, uncut, the real me. I know not very flattering, but I am not always…or hardly ever Ms Sunshine….the words below are a fair representation of who I am…so I present to you the other side of me…. 

angry

bitter

crippled

depressed

empty

frustrated

guilty

hostile

inconsistent

jaded

kooky

low

miserable

nonchalant

offensive

pissy

quiet

rude

sinful

tarnished

untrusted

vacant

worthless

x ~ex

y

z

Chicory, dickory dock~

I hate the feeling of being reeled in…especially when all it takes is a look, a kind word or a loving gentle touch….I prefer the comfort of ambivilance and animosity~

Community….coffee that is…I had my first taste of this chicory blend when I was in Louisiana, at first the bitter taste took a bit of getting used to…but then it is easy to get hooked. The perfect cup of Joe has a fine blend of Arabica beans and chicory. Anyhoo the grocery store close to my home now carries this coffee…so I sent boy # 2 for a bag…and what can I say…once again…hooked…like an addict.

There was no school today…it was nice having the boys home an extra day…also Lefty was here…is here. He is on my bed, rather on top of my pillow…which he considers his bed….he is almost like a little baby you can cuddle with…when he is up for it….and for a good while he did just that…sweet. Makes me wish for another baby….but the factory has long been out of the business of reproduction….

Why-o, why-o

Why does sleep elude me? I am tired, I did manage a 30 minute nap before the boys got home from school…but that was not enough…I was going to try to read myself to sleep but that is not likely. Seems that my Tuesday was a waste, no answer from either the idiots at my insurance company or the idiots at the dr’s office. Frustrating as crap…I was also supposed to schedule an appointment for some further testing, hasn’t happened….I’m not necessarily looking forward to the drive out there or in trying to find someone to go with me. I hate asking my son or for that matter anyone else to take time off work to go. Right now finances are super tight and compensating someone to go with me in addition to the expense of getting there and possibly spending the night…$cary thought. How did I end up in this predicament? Well let’s see…when one is not popular or have RL friends…this shit happens. I wish I could just get it done locally but the DR I go to doesn’t feel that our neck of the woods has any professional capable of getting the testing done to his specifications….Back track…I do have RL friends but I am not comfortable in putting anyone out….I just wish I could do it myself…I’m not dealing well with the state of crippledom I am in. I’m worse off now than before….fuckers, they fucked me up….bitter? Who? Me? Shush up…

Do I sound bitter?
Do I sound bitter?

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