I did things for myself….~

I always do things for myself….heck it was my bday, woothefuckhoo…another day….so now I am officially another year older…yay!!!

Nothing to do with my post, it just cracked me up....lol


I had things to do…like fetch new drugs….now that is something to get excited about….right…maybe these new magical little things will make life the picture perfect daisy and green grass soft as brand new plush carpet thrill a minute ride we all dream about…you do dream about that shit don’t cha?????

So I took my happy ass….oh wait…getting ahead of myself…let’s back up a spell or two…aww….coffee…fresh brewed all I gotta do ispushthebuttonandthebrownstuffwillpumpoutthetopintothepot ….yes, that was the start to my day…well after Boy#3 came into my room wanting to rifle thru my dresser drawers…I’m half asleep at this point…cause I’m not up and haven’t had the nectar of the gods yet….so he whispers his apologies for being in my room, asks me to cover my face cause he needs to turn the light on…I’m not ready to be up so I do as he asks…wasn’t sure (or could care less) at what he was looking for (I thought he was looking for the sweet tarts I had stashed). He obviously found what he was looking for then proceeded to turn the light off and tell me “Let me be the first one to wish you a happy birthday”. He gave me a hug and he started to leave…that is when I asked him to go ahead and get my coffee going.

So anyway back to where I was before I got ahead of myself….I had my coffee….oh wait…gotta tell you this…I found Almond Joy coffee creamer…OMFG….like for serious…orgasmic…chocolate, almonds, coconut.√,√,√. Three of my loves (aside from my boys). Okay, after my coffee, I got in the shower, then after my uneventful (no falling on my ass (or face) or landscaping escapades, I got out, wrapped myself up in my big fluffy chocolate-brown towel, wrapped my hair up in another towel and went back to the living room. Yes just in towels…turned my TV on, turned my laptop on and grabbed my makeup bag….I put my face on while I watched some prerecorded reality crap and caught up with some emails….OMFG again….(sorry for the cussing) all these wonderful emails from friends and family wishing me a happy birthday….***Sigh*** I don’t do bdays….not for me anyway…not where I get excited about them….I didn’t have the foresight to make my DOB invisible on all my social networking sites….so I was madly scrambling about to try to acknowledge every individual bday wish….sheesh…too much…after the 4th or 5th I was thinking to myself…”Self…you aren’t this special…nobody ever remembers your bday, just like you don’t remember anyone’s bday” But this is the beauty of social networking…it “helps” us remember these milestones, like bdays, anniversaries, parties, etc, etc….

So anywho I exhausted myself trying to reply to all….(I’m sure I missed a few here or there). I got my face on…, by this time my hair is mostly dry, somewhat curly…good enough to where I can get away with going out without any extra hair effort….put my makeup bag away, turn off my laptop, turn off my TV and go throw my dress on…YES dress….why not….I was thinking I would be good to myself and take me out to lunch. Grab my purse, keys, shades, check doors all is secure and I take off….guess what I found out…my truck keys work on my car….I had previously checked but they didn’t work….yeah I know random….

Okay so now I’m out the door, I head out, I got things to do…which was the original title of this post before I digressed all over the place….I headed to the grocery store, where I snagged a bottle of wine for a $1.00 good shit too….it was on sale, but I was charged regular price, then in the confusion I was not charged for something else but then got charged for one more of something else, but the bottom line is I ended up paying a $1.00 for the wine…woothefuckhoo!!!

So I left the grocery store then headed to the pharmacy….where new drugs were awaiting me….yay….now normally I don’t get excited about scrips…but fuck I’ve been in so much fucking pain I’m ready to try something new…and I can’t sleep, so why not try something new for that…and I’m depressed and want to kill you before I kill myself so why not try something for that too….oh and because I have to break in my new insurance that I’m paying money out the ass for and haven’t been able to afford to use, not that I can afford it now….but WTF let’s just go all out and spend money we don’t have for my useless cripple ass….

But anywho by the time I was done with this crap I was no longer in the mood for lunch…I had a cake to bake for my beautiful bday boy and a couple of other food stuffs for his bday. So I unloaded the food stuff and drug stuff and put things away. Took a short break and then went all out and baked his cake…still in my dress…cause why not…it’s my freaking bday and I should look all hot and purty when I’m playing Suzie homemaker…but I had a major cake fail….the cake batter is somewhat heavy and I should have pounded the cake pans harder than I did to even out the batter but guess what….that shit fucking hurts…yeppers it hurt my back to try to do that….so I threw them in the oven like that and hoped for the best….and the best that I got was two uneven cakes that were high in the middle…not a wise move to stack them…but hey that was my plan…to stack them….so anyways I was doing really good, cakes were holding up pretty good, I got them all iced up and was working on finishing up the sides when the top layer starts cracking in the middle…no problem I have enough icing to fill in the crack…all done…place glass cover over glass pedestal and walk away….come back a few minutes later and my purty cake had a new crack….FUCK…this is the little shit that just makes me want to curl up in a corner and bawl like a baby.  Not the fact that the cake isn’t perfect…but that it physically hurts to bake a fucking cake…btw the cake tastes awesome! Cause I did bake it with love (and drugs, but not drugs in the cake).

 And I did all this for Boy # 2…cause he is the best birthday gift I ever received, and nothing I get from here on out will ever top him!





The trip began in the early morning; first stop was at the convenience store 12.3 miles south of town. Fill up the tank; get some water, maybe a snack for later, cookies looked good, you know those small six pack of cookies, with the generic vanilla flavor that you would never eat at any other time unless you had a few hundred miles of road ahead of you, bag of chips and maybe some flower seeds. Oh and might as well get the bathroom visit out of the way as there will be no other stops until the arrival at the final destination.

I am constantly fiddling with the radio, it’s what I do when I drive alone, keeps me awake, keeps me company, I sure do miss my satellite radio with the infinite possibilities of choices other than old cry-in-your-beer country songs. I always play these little games in my head when I drive solo, I count things, but not for long…that one bores me. I patiently wait for the first idiot that feels like he needs to drive like a bat out of hell. Then I get on his ass and stay on it until we go our separate ways. I think to myself…let him be the idiot that gets the speeding ticket…I am just his shadow.

The scenery is dry for the first hundred miles or so, a lot of empty flat land, and the occasional dead deer on the side of the road, sometimes I count those. Have to always scan the road ahead, both sides for as many miles as my diminishing sight will allow. My safety depends on being vigilant on the road, especially these long stretches of road where sometimes there are no other vehicles in sight for hours and long stretches. Wouldn’t like to hit one of those and have to wait for a tow or any other I-don’t-want-to-imagine scenarios that unfortunately go through my head.

Finally a green sign ahead, you know the ones, with the white reflective letters spelling out the destination and miles left. I’m getting that feeling in my ass, the numbness that settles in, it extends down my legs, or rather my criss-crossed legs. I am so ready to get there, knowing that I probably should stop somewhere first and get myself to a bathroom, freshen up and maybe pick up some more water, but I don’t. I press on; it is just a few more miles.

I chair dance, I also sing, with glee and loud too, I imagine that the horrifying screeching sounds coming out of my mouth would probably shatter an ear drum if I had an unwilling audience.  I laugh at that thought, I am self aware and I know I don’t have a singing voice, but I do have a lively imagination and I can tweak the sounds, pretty much as if I had a professional studio ensemble and my own private recording studio ready to amplify this sound or minimize it…yeah my own imaginary crew probably sits behind the glass and mutes me as they smile and give me two thumbs up.

Well I made it.

I pull up into the driveway, unfasten my seat belt, get out of the car, stretch for a bit, lean back in to grab my purse and pick up the cookie wrapper that fell out of my lap. I see the rickety steps and hear the dogs barking inside announcing my arrival. I make my way up to the door, walk in and take it all in.

The look of the place is not what I would have pictured. My mind likes to imagine things that will always serve to disappoint me. But I am prepared for disappointment. It has always been there but so have my Jedi mind tricks and their ridiculous machinations.

The first assault is visual, I had pictured muted beiges, perhaps a couple of sconces by the door, a nice print on the big wall across from the elegant picture window. The fireplace was there in my imagination but the reality of it was a cornea searing monstrosity. But back to what my imagination had dreamed up before I regale you with actualities. Yes, a thick plush sink your bare feet carpet and tasteful dark tapestry in tones of burgundy. Massive oak side tables with a matching coffee table, lamps with crystal tear drops and an out of this world antique grandfather clock.

Back to reality.

There are knick knacks on every possible flat surface, kitschy, and ugly, feathered and bedazzled glittering abominable creations. The layout was more Fingerhut than Neiman Marcus. But the second assault was to my olfactory senses, I believe; truly believe that I may have damaged a few of the receptors after my first breath of the air within the two steps from the threshold. What in tarnations is that?  It’s like my dead grandmother, but she’s not dead, she has just been dipped in old lady powder and propped up on a recliner, of course that smell is mixed in with formaldehyde and puppy pee, no it’s worse than puppy pee, it’s cat pee.

I want to put a fork in my own eye, the left one, the right one I would prefer to pull a feather from the wall next to me and jab it in my eye and hopefully it is long enough to pierce my brain. Oh and my nose, well I will never be able to unsmell the death and powdery smells that took to my nostrils.

I stand there, frozen, transfixed by all these pretty (ugly) things tacked to the walls, and the smell is like a spell cast on me. Please someone either wake me up or shoot me.

Guilt free~

Last month I broke my bathroom scale….right before the Thanksgiving holiday…I was not to thrilled about it, but that cheap $5 scale had served me well for many years. I decided I would not worry too much about indulging over Thanksgiving. I ate dozens of cookies, rich, crunchy pecan filled butter cookies. I ate pumpkin pie, I ate pink cloud salad, rolls, turkey and all the fixings….and at one point I realized I had gained a good seven pounds….I continued to eat all kinds of goodies, figuring I would replace my scale and then try to get back on track with being a bit more mindful of the amounts of food I put in my face.

Well fast forward to last Sunday and I was able to replace my $5 scale with a newer scale for $7…one drawback the numbers are smaller and sometimes I can’t quite tell where the dial is pointing to…but as long as it doesn’t go over a certain number I’m good. I did make a small discovery….and that is that I can pretty much still eat as much as I want and my metabolism still works…it is a bit slower than it used to but I am going to work on not being so obsessive over how FAT I am. (I know it’s all in my head)

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