Needed/Wanted: New ass, tummy & boobs

 Inspired by my awesome  friend Tracy who has a big set of breastesses that she needs reduced and a tummy tuck to make her feel like the sexy woman that she once felt she was. (I happen to think she is still sexy.)

Needed/Wanted: New ass, tummy & boobs! So what do I need/want? A new ass for starters, this old ass I have could use a lift, maybe some implants too, my tummy…well it’s a bit fuckered up from having 3 kids, a botched procedure, and then having it sliced open again for my last back surgery….and I need a new belly button, this one I have looks nothing like it used too. Finally, the boobs, they are still somewhat perky…maybe a slight lift.

LIke this?

Now why am I going this route? Well I am currently crippled, unemployed and insurance doesn’t cover any of these procedures. After paying for an additional two back surgeries and getting laid off while trying to recover, my self esteem has taken a nose dive. I am supporting 2 kids as a single parent with no child support, helping my oldest with college expenses, maintaining a home, utilities and of course stretching every dollar as much as possible as I do not want to get on welfare.

I have mastered the art of feeding a family of three on a budget of about $40-$50 a week, but with two growing boys it is getting quite difficult to make that work, usually my grocery budget is the only place I can skim money from. School is starting up soon and of course I will have to buy school supplies and new clothes….so any donations are welcome. Yes I feel pathetic asking for help, but I do what I gotta do, so this is my begging blog.

Today I was Offed

Today I got a call…lately the calls I get are the “suck big monkey balls and hairy purple ass” variety, bad news and more bad news…karmatic in nature. Yet my life is still “G”….oh where was I…yeah, I got laid off. I’ve been dodging that particular bullet for over 3 months. That was a call that was to have been made before I took a medical leave.

Looking at the bright side...where there is none
Looking at the bright side...where there is none

So now what? I am not sure what is next, my employment or rather unemployed situation is on the backburner…I’ve got other issues to tackle, like back surgery number 4.

But if anyone has any answers…I have questions…

Can I collect unemployment benefits if I am collecting Long Term Disability payments?

Can I win the lottery, even if I don’t play the lottery?

I win, I win...oh wait, I need a ticket first..
I win, I win...oh wait, I need a ticket first..

Oh and I took a shower…yeah I know that shouldn’t be big news, I actually do take a shower every day, and no this one wasn’t any more special than any other shower…but after stepping out of the shower I cut my hair…yeah again…I’m working on gradually going shorter…maybe the kids won’t notice when it’s all gone….

I try to look this sexy when I do it, but it doesn't work, but hey I try
I try to look this sexy when I do it, but it doesn't work, but hey I try

Why do I have a zit? At my age…I should be worried about wrinkles not zits…but I guess on the flip side I have verification that I still have active hormones..woohoo..

Happy hormones
Happy hormones


Death by fan~

Death by fan…and I don’t mean a fan like the world loves me and I have someone who has an intense, occasionally overwhelming liking and enthusiasm for me…I used to have a fan base and a fan club, back in the day when I was all hotness and whatnot, but that was before I became all crippled and old. I was 7 years old…I mean 17….

Off with their heads~
Off with their heads~

Death by fan…and I mean a ceiling fan, I’m sitting here at my desk and I have the ceiling fan overhead making these horrific noises, I can’t decide if the thing wants to fall on me or is mutating into an airplane propeller. It sounds loud enough to power a 747.

I’m hoping the thing doesn’t decide to quit working on me, I am an old menopausal women, I am currently unemployed  not working due to being incapacitated and even incapable of earning a living on my back. I am no longer getting disability benefits either…and do not be mistaken, dear gentle reader, this is not me whining about life because it sucks, I’m just stating my reality. Life is good, after all I am here to suck up the air around me.


$omebody'$ gonna pay~
$omebody'$ gonna pay~


So anyhoo…I’ll be back tomorrow to let you know if my fan kills me or not, wait…duh, if my fan kills me (because my fan is directly over my body when I am in bed) then I won’t be back, and this could possibly be the last blog you read from me, oh the horror, well for your sake, actually for the sake of my children lets hope I wake up. Two of them would be complete bastards and I would hate to burden the oldest with his brothers.

I am tired, but not ready for bed, since getting back yesterday evening I have been on my back, my back is tired and sore, the areas that were jabbed are swollen and tender, I have not been able to put my brace on due to the pain….but aside from that I haven’t had much use for it, I’ve only been up to get water refills and to flush out my liquid intake (yes I mean getting up to go to the pisser, it’s a pisser because I live with boys, if I had a girl I’d call it the powder room).


Preferably purple please~
Preferably purple please~


Tomorrow I’m hoping I’ll have energy to get me to the grocery store, I highly doubt it but I can have hope….I probably should begin working on my grocery list so I can send the boys out…actually what I would love to do is just get out of the house and forget I am a damn crip (not a gang banger~ it’s my short hand for crippled ass). Just get out and have a lunch somewhere, have a menu brought to me, have my order taken and ***snap out of it….okay, I just slapped myself out of my momentary lapse into fantasy land….


Dream a little dream~
Dream a little dream~


My reality is more mundane, so much so that I am beginning to loathe the questions

  1. “How are you?”
  2. “What are you doing?”
  3. “What’s new?”

I can summarize this really quick here: 

  1. I am still in pain.
  2. Same old same old…laying around.
  3. Not much.

My life is G~ How’s yours?



The power to be~an (sorta) interview with Ruby Cantu

An Interview with Ruby Cantu
An Interview with Ruby Cantu

Growing up I was this, that or the other, grown up I have been this, that or the other as well (I could spell this, that or the other to you, but use your imagination while I keep some filth off the internets).

We are all responsible for ourselves. Whatever went on when we were young, once we are adults, we have to get over it and become the people we want to be.

We can only blame so much of it on the physical and emotional abuse, or the divorce of our parents. Sure there is much truth in how these incidents do screw up individuals, especially when it comes to trust. I had an ex who once admitted a former girlfriend had cheated on him and because of her I was never to be trusted, well there is a reason he is an ex.

What about others?

The others…if the others are children we are responsible for molding them, but after a certain point they are who they are.

Can we make them into what we want them to be?

We can’t, at least in my experience I haven’t found it to work this way…several have tried making me into something I can never be, I will always be the imperfectly perfect person I am, like it or not, don’t like it kiss my big fat ass…or flat ass, depending on which way my ass is going…one day it’s big then the next day I can’t find it…sheesh, I love my ass!

Should we want to change them, or can we grow to accept that people are different?

I don’t want to change anyone, why would I want to make them into something they only are for my benefit? We are all different and different isn’t always bad…what if I made them what I wanted/needed them to be for me but they weren’t who they needed/wanted to be for themselves, maybe I’d be happy but they wouldn’t be happy (deep inside) and sure I might pretend it’s okay, but I would know.

I’m still feeling these thoughts out and I try to see the world from different angles…

Can’t win for losing~

Well, my ass got big overnight, my pants didn’t fit, I got misdirected by GPS, I went to text for an address, but my texts were lost in cyberspace, I sat in miserable pain at the wrong place and when I finally get home I realized I’m an idiot….

“Damn, you can’t win for losing.”

A death at my house~

For days now, at least 3 days the unmistakable stench of death had been seaping into my home. The first day that I smelled it I thought perhaps it was due to the boys burning something in the kitchen. Nobody else complained or mentioned it…so I didn’t say anything. By the next morning it was unmistakable the smell of death was everywhere, at least it seemed to me that it was….but due to my condition I was unable to go around and try to determine the source. I sent the boys into the back room, thinking perhaps a bird might have flown in and died from a broken neck. They didn’t report any findings, I sent them a second time and insisted they look again, still nothin. Today I was sick from it, I was exhausted, another sleepless night, this time not helped due to the smell of decaying flesh….I was exhausted and needed a nap, I had a candle going but that wasn’t masking the smell. I took another candle and removed the tin lid, went to bed with a pillow over my face, the covers drawn over me and the new candle tin right by my face. When Bert got home he asked if he could have a friend over I again reminded him we had the stench of death permeating the air. I offered up a $$reward$$ for the search of whatever was causing the horrific smell. When my big fat (adopted) son Mike (I call him my big fat adopted son as a term of endearment) showed up they went out and were able to locate the source. It was right under my nose, under my bedroom. A cat had decided to get under my house through the crawl space on the side of the house where it met its untimely death. It was now a big fat bloated smelly dead foul carcass of a cat. So now the task to get said dead smelly bloated cat out began. I suggested a wire hanger they could unravel and maybe hook a foot and pull it out. The last thing I wanted was it blowing up releasing its noxious gasses and smelling worse. With Mexican ingenuity they somehow managed to get it out, they found a shovel and hoisted it into a trash can and now the big fat bloated smelly cat is in the process of getting to its final destination…for now I guess it is somewhere in the alley but I’m grateful that I am able to breathe again. I was getting ready to drive my crippled ass to a hotel.

I’m past the keeper stage….exit left

So I’m still rehashing – in my mind- how A could even suggest me dating…as if….I’ve sworn myself to a life of celibacy….the only dudes to see me nekkid from this day forward are my docs, not saying dating means nekkidness….just saying….I think I’m getting some of those plastic petals for my tub, cause I’m old and I could fall….I don’t live in a cabin, but I have cabin fever…..there are actual contraptions to aide in ASSisting me get to my magical poo place…who knew….I want to go away for a week or so….I need to see if that is an option… as soon as I’m done here….yesterday sucked I hate 8/5………..

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