Randomness # 890765

I’m in the midst of a full-blown panic attack, trying the breathing exercises I’ve learned to do, taking care of customers and faking “normal” throughout, not easy.

Palpitations, the urge to run, hit something, hit someone….but mostly the urge to run…and no not in the put my running shoes and sprint away….I’m talking of running away.

There are days that are worse than others, but on the flip side there are better days or days that are just okay.

As I stand here behind the counter I’ve had a couple of customers ask me if I’m okay….sheesh my faking needs some fine tuning….or a lot.

I still think of him and I hate that he still rents space in my life. Eviction notice was served a while back, even had a process server employed….but the fucker apparently decided to exercise his squatters rights. So not cool but I don’t want to employ any means of intermediary action, I just want him to go the fuck away, stay away and be gone for good.

I almost started a game of tic tac toe with myself.

I’m reading a couple of books here at work, one is a satirical commentary filled book with many witty life observations, and the other one touts itself as a romantic suspense novel, so far suspense yes, romance none yet. Romance woulda had me puking my guts out…so far it’s a good read. Glad I ignored the romance claim it is actually a good read so far.

Still having to stop and collect my thoughts…even the ones I don’t need to be thinking.

Do have some awkward family time coming up…but I have decided to make myself scarce and not subject myself to any of the crazy. Mejor sola que mal accompanied as my abuela used to say. Nothing like that horrid feeling of taking a spouse with you to a place where the best behavior is expected and one person is looking for that rightly timed moment where they can let their asshatness come out.

Thankfully my cast of derelicts are coming in one by one or in some cases in pairs….and we have…

The carless, toothless gum flapper wanna be hot momma in her skankiliscious booty shorts. My corneas bleed when she comes in….a little part of me dies every time she sticks her hand down under her boob flap to get her money, why use a boob flap as a wallet….anyone…Bueller….

Then there is the momma bear with 2 of her jobless, carless, moneyless titty babies.

Mr Married just walked in with scabbed tute….same scabbed up tute that napped in her car for a good 45 minutes the other day. Thankfully her pants were dry this time….nothing like watching a nice ass walk away from you with obvious pee stains between the legs….yeah I was checking her ass out….it’s what I do….people watch…asses included….

The painters….they don’t talk to each other, she goes her way, he goes his…odd “happily” married pair….they do have the paint stained garb in common.

Mr RaperVanMan who just half bathed with my hand sanitizer. The handjobber is out smoking and I’m hoping he has already taken care of pulling his chain and rang his bell before coming in. I may not pretend I didn’t see THAT again.

I feel like a carny freak show goddess….err…I mean Talent Coordinator…late entrant into the freak zone…Mr LetMeOverShare, docs just removed one ass cheek, wanna see?

Yeah I think not, puke, puke, puke…wonder if his baby tooth will finish growing out…or fall out…dude is old enough for grown up teeth.

I chased a roach this morning, battled it, went into attack mode. I won the first/last round.

I’m cold, then hot, but cold this minute….and another one…Mr. CapriMan with the pedi….I need a pedi!

Oh and then there’s dude that has to “touch” my fingers/hands ever so casually….yikes….yuk…..I hate being touched…..I’m so totally grossed out.

 

Biting my tongue, already chewed off the straps to my huggy jacket…

Some days I just want to punch people in the face. Doing something of no benefit to myself (rather at a cost I can ill afford) only to have someone act all ass about it as if I am creating an inconvenience. Wow, I just don’t get where the sense and sensibility went to. Yeah I may need a stiff one after this (drink that is) but I also need a nap….which I just don’t see happening….Calgon take me away….wash me away…PLEASE……….

Venting has concluded you may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

Morals and morons~

“Do not be too moral, you may cheat yourself out of much life so. Aim above morality. Be not simply good, be good for something.”
-Henry David Thoreau

Morals-motivation based on ideas of right and wrong.

Morons-idiots not living life due to excessive worry about morality, usually someone else’s.

I can honestly say that my morals are somewhat skewed thus allowing me to somewhat have a life, yet in place to prevent me from going down the wrong path….well I still travel down the wrong path, but before I fall off the deep end I usually manage a U-Turn.

Damned if we do, damned if we don’t~

We seem to be the embodiment of this oft use phrase….”damned if you do, damned if you don’t” we could have coined it had it not already been a part of the American lexicon.

Breathing, waking up, agreeing, disagreeing, being complacent, being free-spirited, being independent, being dependent, calling, not calling, speaking, keeping quiet.

Watching TV, not watching, reading, not reading, cooking, not cooking, making choices, making the wrong choices…always the wrong choices.

I say to hell with it, given the option…I will opt for not putting out the effort, I’ll be damned either way….much easier to remove myself from the situation and let whatever damnation is to befall, to just fall without me in the mix.

Her approach is the total opposite of mine….she keeps trying…and failing…every single time. Same as me….every single time. So what approach would you choose?

With some people the same tired tug of war will always be in place, something’s got to give…or rather someone has. Who gives first? and what is the outcome? is it a saner outcome? Do we keep trying? Sometimes the outcome isn’t the best, there is such a sense of overwhelming loss and sadness but time will take its time doing away with that hollowness.

Mellow~

This has been a quiet low key weekend…made it out this morning to get in some driving practice for boy # 2, didn’t really get much in the way of groceries, maybe later this month. I finally got around to watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, I’m no longer a Brad Pitt fan nor a fan of the fantasy genre, but I did enjoy the movie, even though it was long. 

Made some popcorn, sat outside with boy # 2 and enjoyed the cool breeze for a bit. It is way cooler outside than inside, I wish I had a tent I could pitch in the back yard. I have been feeling out of sorts and not liking the feeling, so wish “whatever” it is would just pass.

I have a book waiting for me and if lucky maybe some sleep.

Estupideses~

Some things are better left unsaid … like those times you criticize me. Because really I’ve got you beat, I am already my own worst critic. So shut up already.

You can’t make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice. Yowza, the mirror broke when I told her this. Actually she laughed at me first.

It’s time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones….get ready, get set, GO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I couldn’t care less, but I’m working on it. Working on it really hard, so damn hard I can’t sleep, my appetite is down, yay for the little things, I’ve actually dropped a pound. I want to celebrate this milestone with cake.

If all else fails, lower your standards. Standards…what have you done for me lately????

Daily Mantra~

I am one of the strong ladies who have made it through so much in life…I am strong because I know my weaknesses, I am alive because I am a fighter, I am wise (somewhat debatable) because I have been foolish, and I can laugh because I have known sadness… I’ve making it through the rain and learning to dance in it!!

Look Again~ Lisa Scottoline

This book raises so many questions about what one would do as a parent, rather how far a parent would go for their child.

What would you do if the face in a missing child photo was your son’s?

Single mother Ellen is soon faced with this dilemma after receiving a postcard in the mail and seeing the face of her adopted son. As a reporter she is soon off to investigate the possibilities. Her father and her attorney both advise her to not pursue the matter and remind her the adoption was legal. Her mother’s intuition tells her she must find the answer for the sake of her son.

Ruby….A mystery that will never be solved~

So it’s Friday night, I am in great company, for now, it’s just me….and the boys, except they are not in here with me. Boy # 2 is on the computer, boy # 3 is watching TV and will have to call it an early night. He has an early morning coming up as he has to go out of town for a meet. I would love to go but it’s a bit over an hour away and too early for me, I’ll either be going to sleep when he is getting up or I’ll still be up. Poor baby is recovering from a bad cold, but I think he’ll be just fine, note to self, remind him to take his inhaler.

Boy # 2 brought his report home today, he had good grades, it’s always good to see that.

Started another book, but I’ve been too exhausted to really get into it. I tried reading but was dozing off.

This evening brought to you by....

I’m now listening to my playlist online and having a couple of cold ones (Miller Lite)….a rather enjoyable evening for me….the company is great. As of late I have been very much pleased with how well I have been getting along with myself.

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