Feeling anxious, frustratingly I cannot put my finger on what is bugging me…I don’t stress about work, or my kids, I have the everyday mom worries about my babies, but I know they are well…I started a new book last night, I tried reading today…my mind refuses to track, so I end p reading the same thing over and over and all I see is words jumbled, so forget reading…I have been up since about 10pm last night…went to work, and came home…no nap, no baby girl…have a holiday weekend coming up and my shift covered for Friday and I can’t even come up with any getaway ideas…I think I will give my book another good try and if that doesn’t work I will grab a different book….not feeling sleepy and too late to try to take anything to help me sleep…sigh….I think this is enough blabbering for today….
I just had the worst panic attack I’ve had in quite a while, I had to rush the insurance adjuster out of my house so I could have my melt down in private…even though he saw what was happening…I am trying to settle my nerves, get the shaking under control as well as my breathing…I hate admitting to myself that I am weak and that I can’t always take care of things that need to be taken care of…this whole insurance roof repair thing is a good case in point….nothing he said registered and the more he tried (gently) to explain the worse it got for me….I almost feel like it would be easier to just sell my house and move into an apartment and not have to deal….an option I am seriously considering…how can I get myself back on track, am I doomed to just being a failure…weak, incompetent, just plain stupid…sheesh…I just can’t deal with this crap…and no platitudes will help, no gentle hugs, nothing will soothe me…times like these I wish I had my daddy….then I could hate myself even more for that…sheesh…if screaming would help I would indulge myself…or eating myself into a coma, or drinking myself into a stupor…okay, I gotta wrap up this pity party and go back to pretending everything is just fine… Fuck, fuck, fuck…
So just last week I was all excited because I made the adult decision to refinance my house…over the phone and fresh off an overnight shift. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
I am quite capable in many aspects of my life, but I can get overwhelmed with certain things, I had been putting off the paperwork and decided to tackle it this morning, 5 pages in and my anxiety shot up like a motherfucker. I just can’t. So now I need to send an email to whoever was to be holding my hand virtually through this process and say never mind and please don’t contact me because I will have a heart attack. I don’t understand why this happens, same with my retirement account…you’d think I’d be open to taking care of this shit but I can’t. I’d rather be shot between the eyes and avoid the anxiety.
I’m working through this by writing about it. I know I have a non refundable fee to pay for initializing this process….and I’m okay with that…just make it all go away. so I remain stuck and frustrated and pissed off at myself and actually I am now in tears because my anxiety is just going up….why does adulting have to suck? I shoulda been born a princess and not have to worry about this shit.
I am retreating, I just can’t, writing is not helping, well, it did help some but I’m giving myself an ulcer. Wah
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid….
So a new chapter of my life is in front of me….I left home before I completed high school, got married and had my first son…life has been rocky at best, but not dull. Marriage did not work out for me so I went on to do the single mother thing….then I gave it another shot and had two more kids….all in all I have been a mother for about 30 years….yes I count back to when I discovered I was with child as the beginning of my road to motherhood. For the most part I have always been a single parent, even when I was in a relationship I was going it alone….I did find it easier to go it alone….there wasn’t anyone to contradict me in parenting matters…anywho…I survived it! I can proudly attest to the fact that I have 3 amazing sons, each of them following their own path. And while I may not be proud of the choices and paths they have taken I can certainly say that I am proud that they have followed their heart. I certainly did that myself…and yes that has led me to some poor choices, but they were my own choices. Even as a youngster with family feeling they had to opine I was of the mindset that they could just shut the fuck up…they weren’t paying my bills or in any way stepping up to help in any way shape or form.
With a heavy heart I took my son to San Antonio to hand him over to the US Navy…but when I say heavy I don’t mean it in a woe is me…my heart was heavy with a whole ball of emotions, happiness, joy, pride, love and admiration. On the drive there we did a lot of talking….the days before he left we spent as much time together as possible…on one of our outings he sang me a song….aside from the explicit and totally inappropriate lyrics I could hear the raw talent in his voice as he hit some rather high notes….I didn’t know he had that in him, he had never sang in front of me. I swear if he hadn’t already committed to the Navy I’d have been recording his ass and blasting him all over social media until someone took notice.
This last one leaving the nest hits hard…I’ve been looking forward to the experience of living alone, there is trepidation, nervousness, and a slew of other emotions and considerations…I know I’ll be fine. I can’t wait to start living this new chapter…actually I already have, part of that process is deep cleaning my house…though at every turn I keep finding things my child did not pack….then I get nostalgic…and I find that I will have to get another box….it’s a process.
I’ll for sure be making a bigger attempt in writing more, reading more, reconnecting more with friends I’ve neglected….funny thing about life is that it doesn’t slow down….and I can’t speed myself anymore than I already move….I curse this piece of shit body that doesn’t always cooperate with me. I am still of the mindset that I can do everything for myself…I can’t…and I hate that. It is my struggle and I am fortunate enough to have friends that are willing to step up and help out….on that note I’m stopping here I’ve things I need to get to as my break is over….
Stolen car….with brand new car seat for the princess….buh-bye $125+…car recovered…TORCHED, sadly the thieving fucker was not torched in the vehicle…yeah I know it’s a little harsh…and actually a good thing the thieving fucker didn’t get injured or injure anyone else while he was having fun in the stolen car.
My truck is broken, not sure what is wrong with it….it’s not the battery…she needs attention…finances, weather and time permitting.
My car is acting sick, got filters and belts for it….still need to get them installed….finances, weather and time permitting.
Still have a hole on the side of the house where the beginnings of a plumbing job was started….still a work in progress…will get to it too…finances, weather and time permitting.
Roof leaking….will get to it too…finances, weather and time permitting.
Leak in laundry room….will get to it too…finances, weather and time permitting.
and the list goes on and on….all with the same old tired refrain…will get to it too…finances, weather and time permitting.
Through all this I have been getting help from friends….as far as the labor goes….that in turn allows me to pay it forward in kind. I’ve informally adopted an elderly gent and a kidlet. I just don’t have the physical stamina to do more than I already do…when I do overextend myself I feel like my entire Mexican family got their pointy fence jumping boots on and kicked the shit out of me, took a 5 minute break and then kicked me some more….
So many annoyances….
I(idiot…no not me…but yeah, sometimes I can be) Why don’t you believe?
R(me) Why do you?
I-I was raised Catholic
R-That’s all you got?
I-yes, I was raised in the church and that’s what my parents taught me.
R-Sounds like indoctrination
I-No, it was how I was raised
R-again, Sounds like indoctrination
R-yeah, that’s what I thought….you are basically telling me that you only believe because you were told to, taught to, take your pick, me, I just formed my own thoughts and opinions, and they may be wrong, but at least I’m formulating my own thoughts and not espousing someone else’s views that are just passed on generationally.
R-no bible thumping please, I had my fill from one idiot (or two) to last me a lifetime.
I have simple criteria….that means 3 basic things have to be met before I consider a date…
1. Must have a job
2. Must have transportaion (preferably your own)
3. Must not live with mommy
I’m not looking for a boyfriend (I’m too old for that) I don’t need, like or want a needy, insecure and clingy asshat. Don’t call me, then call me back 15 minutes later and tell me you’ve missed me. Then whine that I don’t like you or ever say I miss you. Hello…you need to give me time to miss you…so go away…stay away…be gone for a week…or two…or even three….I can’t stand a needy person.
Never ending home repairs…sigh…enough said…
and insomnia….I hate insomnia…gives me too much time to think about this shit that annoys me…but I have to keep it in because if I tell the asshats and idiots how I really feel they get butt hurt…I just can’t find it in me to give a shit sometimes….I know…breathe…and type…bitch or blow….now time to go make me some coffee and get ready for work. Happy Monday to me.
Dealing with a health scare for one of my boys, having no insurance and enough stress to go around for a long time….what to do?? Well for starters I know I need to reign the panic in, getting worked up is not going to solve anything. Research and a strong shot of something to soothe me is a good option. Today I am turning my phone off and crawling into my own private hell hole so that I can deal with this situation. I just don’t have it in me today…sometimes it is easier to crawl under a rock…or the covers, stick my head in the sand and take plenty of deep breaths. If I had a hill of chocolate I’d climb it and eat my way off it. Times like these I wish I had someone to share things with, but another realization I had last night is that I will no longer be as open as I was, it may sound hypocritical as I blog about this, that or the other….but I have control over the information I decimate. Meaning I can pick and choose who I share with and how much I share….and as much as I put out, there is much more I keep to myself and ultimately I am more comfortable keeping things in. So if I don’t share the details here then I probably won’t elsewhere…it just is.
Life calls…..and so does my bed….wish the chocolate fairy knew the way to my house.
I wasn’t feeling too good and decided to try for a nap, the cool breeze coming in through the open windows would be perfect for a little shut-eye. I got my heating pad cranked up, got myself situated and read for a bit before my eyes decided they were ready to cede the battle. I put my book down, put my pillow over my face, pulled the covers over me, extended my right arm out and turned my bedside fan on and dozed off.
Sharp, intense throbbing pain radiating from my lower back and shooting down my legs soon won the battle over any possible sleep. I glanced at the clock and saw that the boys would be home shortly, I figured I’d get up and head to the freezer and open the door for inspiration. Alas that was not to be. I was unable to get out of bed.
I felt a panic coming on, I started doing a breathing exercise that I normally find can help me before I go into a full-blown panic attack, my anxiety level soon sky rocketed, my one thought was to call ONE person. But I wasn’t in a position to call anyone, I don’t keep a phone by my bed. I kept up with the breathing, I didn’t want to go into a major anxiety/panic attack. The breathing helped I was able to calm myself down before Boy # 2 got home, I heard him coming in, he looked for me in the living room, then made his way into my bedroom (good thing I hadn’t locked myself in) I told him I needed to get up. He asked me what he needed to do to help me up…but I didn’t know. I couldn’t send the signals from my brain to my body to make it happen, worse than that I couldn’t communicate to him what I needed. Boy # 3 got home and they were both in the room with me now trying to help me up. But I knew if I didn’t do it the right way the pain would be unbearable. I remember hearing myself tell them to go lay down and figure out what I needed to do to get up. Now that my brain is a bit more coherent I know that they probably went into their room got in bed and got right back up….as if nothing. Understandable. They don’t have to process every little step like I do. And it sucks. It isn’t a 1, 2 or even 3 step process. It is a million little steps…or it feels like it. Laying there trying to process what I need to do or how I need to instruct them…I lost it, I broke down, put the pillow over my face and cried, even now I am crying. I hate that they have to go through this with me. I hate that they were scared enough to want to call 911. I needed to go to the bathroom, Boy # 3 tells me to just go on the bed. I can’t fathom what I would have done if I had lost total control. I hate that I don’t have anyone to call when this happens. And no 911 doesn’t work for me. I can just hear me calling to help me out of bed.
Anywho…I am calmer right now. I have my walker handy…I should consider trying to draw stick figures with step by step instructions so next time they will know what they need to do.
Early yesterday there was a shooting involving a police officer, he was shot at and luckily was wearing a vest. The wanna be cop killer is still at large, not good news, especially in light of the fact that he is allegedly holed up a few streets away from here. I have two precious babies to protect…and nothing to protect them with…aside from a phone. I don’t think that is causing my anxiety, but because I’m awake, it is on my mind…
Of course, now I’m thinking maybe I should buy a gun…I’m no longer married so I don’t have to worry about killing a husband that pisses me off…but I do have a couple of teenagers frequently at odds…so a gun may not be a good idea….oh well…guess time for plan C…I don’t have a plan C…yet.