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Posts Tagged ‘alone’

So a new chapter of my life is in front of me….I left home before I completed high school, got married and had my first son…life has been rocky at best, but not dull. Marriage did not work out for me so I went on to do the single mother thing….then I gave it another shot and had two more kids….all in all I have been a mother for about 30 years….yes I count back to when I discovered I was with child as the beginning of my road to motherhood. For the most part I have always been a single parent, even when I was in a relationship I was going it alone….I did find it easier to go it alone….there wasn’t anyone to contradict me in parenting matters…anywho…I survived it! I can proudly attest to the fact that I have 3 amazing sons, each of them following their own path. And while I may not be proud of the choices and paths they have taken I can certainly say that I am proud that they have followed their heart. I certainly did that myself…and yes that has led me to some poor choices, but they were my own choices. Even as a youngster with family feeling they had to opine I was of the mindset that they could just shut the fuck up…they weren’t paying my bills or in any way stepping up to help in any way shape or form.

With a heavy heart I took my son to San Antonio to hand him over to the US Navy…but when I say heavy I don’t mean it in a woe is me…my heart was heavy with a whole ball of emotions, happiness, joy, pride, love and admiration. On the drive there we did a lot of talking….the days before he left we spent as much time together as possible…on one of our outings he sang me a song….aside from the explicit and totally inappropriate lyrics I could hear the raw talent in his voice as he hit some rather high notes….I didn’t know he had that in him, he had never sang in front of me. I swear if he hadn’t already committed to the Navy I’d have been recording his ass and blasting him all over social media until someone took notice.

This last one leaving the nest hits hard…I’ve been looking forward to the experience of living alone, there is trepidation, nervousness, and a slew of other emotions and considerations…I know I’ll be fine. I can’t wait to start living this new chapter…actually I already have, part of that process is deep cleaning my house…though at every turn I keep finding things my child did not pack….then I get nostalgic…and I find that I will have to get another box….it’s a process.

I’ll for sure be making a bigger attempt in writing more, reading more, reconnecting more with friends I’ve neglected….funny thing about life is that it doesn’t slow down….and I can’t speed myself anymore than I already move….I curse this piece of shit body that doesn’t always cooperate with me. I am still of the mindset that I can do everything for myself…I can’t…and I hate that. It is my struggle and I am fortunate enough to have friends that are willing to step up and help out….on that note I’m stopping here I’ve things I need to get to as my break is over….

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I’ve learned that sometimes, it’s what you don’t say that’s important.Specifically, it’s been my experience that any sentence ending with, “I don’t really know or care” seems to strike a chord.

Anyway, I used to be in the habit of ending sentences with “I don’t really care” It seemed like a good idea… at the time… to strike a precautionary blow against whatever nasty things people might be thinking about me. This seems to happen quite a lot….

All this does is get me into trouble. I realize that I am not so much nipping those ridiculous thoughts in the bud, as I am planting them in peoples’ heads. Silly me, for thinking that everyone else is just naturally as twisted as I am.

So now I’ve resorted to another plan. I don’t want to bring up any specifics in these situations, but I still want to put people on the defensive… just in case they’ve come up with some other (and probably sicker) idea of the type of thing I’d be doing when I’m not sleeping, watching TV, in pain, or eating butter pecan ice cream. So now, I should answer every question I get with an angry:

“What the hell do you mean by that?”

Sure, it might make ordering at a restaurant a bit tricky. Or it might even alarm the kids somewhat….

No, it’s not a perfect system. But it’s better. Maybe someday I’ll graduate to ‘Are you talking to me?’, or the simple-yet-effective menacing, ‘Whaaaat?!’

Meanwhile, I’m doing the best I can. And it seems to be working… people ask me way less questions than they used to. Which is all I ever really wanted. Isn’t it everybody’s goal to just be left the hell alone sometimes?

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Everything in my head is upside down, inside out, up and down, here and there…once again reading is presenting a challenge, I hate when that happens.

I noticed the other day that I have been feeling more grown up.  And as I quickly approach 42yrs old I realized I can’t have this feeling of being a kid with all these heavy grown up responsibilities, anymore.  I think I am on my way to being a fully fledged adult.  DAMN, when did this happen?  Next stop, old hagsville where I shake my broom stick at the noisy, annoying kids in the next room.  Oh wait, I have always done that.  At least for their sake, I am getting slower in my old age.

For the last few weeks, I have had an internal struggle going on.  I can’t put my finger exactly on what is bothering me, at least not on one sole individual pet peeve, more like a zoo of manmade inbred freaks but not enough circus tent to house the chaos….but I feel that it has finally caught up with me.  My brain is a mess and I can’t seem to float to the top and figure it all out.  I do know that it is manifesting itself in a surly attitude…I know that my attitude most times is no Ms Sunshine as a matter of fact, I think I shoved her in a closet and there she still sits….and she keeps messing with the order I had tried establishing in said closet…like I had my shoes all organized in boxes and what not, now they are back out of the boxes and I’m thinking maybe life would be better as a man…I could own two pair of shoes and life would flow on the right path….however, I can’t seem to part with my shoes and  I don’t have that air of sarcasm or slight humor behind me right now. ..

So if you see me and I tell you to go have your way with yourself, you know I mean it. 

I seriously considering telling all the idiots who feel like calling and playing the small talk card that I hope they slide down a peroxide laden pole with a raging fresh cut on their ass. 

Life should be great…but it isn’t…I look around and the same stuff that has been here since a year or two or three or ten years ago are still here….I think this funk is my seasonal affliction…is there a train going to Crazyville?

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She is not just alone, but she is also lonely.

She is a solitary figure enshrouded in mystery.

She occasionally speaks to friends, the few that are left.

She gave most of them up…for all the wrong reasons.

She realizes she is a stranger to most that think they know her.

She sits in the dark, curtains drawn shut, doors closed.

She invites you to get to know her.

 

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Today

Tears

Fears

Pain

Sadness

Alone

Weak

Drained

Tired

Bed

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I hate that I can’t sleep, my attempts at self medicating didn’t work, but at least my mini fridge is stocked. So what is in store for me today….hmm…well in a few I intend to give up on trying to sleep, it’s pointless, I’ve checed out a few blogs, and read a few emails…I will be reading a few newswires…check out what is going on in the world of the living….my frustration at being alone with myself is wearing thin…how did I become so isolated? Well I know the answer to that….so what am I going to do about it? Stay tuned……….

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