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Life has a way of stopping me from doing more than I should be doing. Take yesterday for instance…tried weed eating, battery wasn’t fully charged, didn’t do much….tried mowing, ran over the cord, killed it…love that I can push a button and easily start my mower…just haven’t mastered the whole dragging of the cord…yard looks tarded….this morning my body just quit…it just said “silly bitch…you’re done” just like that…I retreated with my tail between my legs.

I was going to reach out to an estranged family member…caught myself…said to myself…not your turn.

Did a bit better in the laundry department…got my stuff unpacked from my little getaway, now it’ll be a week or two before I get to what I just washed. I don’t know why I can’t just get it all done right then and there.

Cooked a pot of beans, bought groceries, had carbs in mind….I got a lot of carbs. Weighed myself…I gained 5 pounds…sheesh, that shoulda gone the other way.

I had set aside some non perishable food items for Saturday’s roundup, the USPS did not pick up the food I had bagged, found someone who could use it and delivered the goods.

Spent the afternoon with my beautiful baby girl…we took out trash and she “helped” clean.

And that’s about all the unexciting blah schtuff going on around here…Only stopped by to do this while I wait for something to load on another page, I miss writing just can’t find the inspiration so once again I will lie to myself and tell myself I’m going to keep trying….

TTFN

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Ruby Cantu

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Shuttles, monorails, escalators, and elevators…modern marvels from engineering greats that made Vegas a lot easier to maneuver through….now it would’ve been great if the whole city had moving sidewalks….but anywho….all of the above made it easier and made it possible for me to see as much as I could. I’m still recovering from all the walking I did, I anticipated the pain….doesn’t make it any easier but mental preparation helps.

I’ve had friends and family asking for trip pics…I don’t want to be that annoying person that posts a gazillion pictures on Facebook, so I’m posting them on my blog, that way people can decide if they want to suffer through all those pics…that’s if I’m able to post them all here…well not all…that’s too many…

I got to see my cousin Juancho at the MGM, Roger and the girls (I think Roger’s girl wanted to kill me), my bff…

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Shuttles, monorails, escalators, and elevators…modern marvels from engineering greats that made Vegas a lot easier to maneuver through….now it would’ve been great if the whole city had moving sidewalks….but anywho….all of the above made it easier and made it possible for me to see as much as I could. I’m still recovering from all the walking I did, I anticipated the pain….doesn’t make it any easier but mental preparation helps.

 

I’ve had friends and family asking for trip pics…I don’t want to be that annoying person that posts a gazillion pictures on Facebook, so I’m posting them on my blog, that way people can decide if they want to suffer through all those pics…that’s if I’m able to post them all here…well not all…that’s too many…

I got to see my cousin Juancho at the MGM, Roger and the girls (I think Roger’s girl wanted to kill me), my bff Michael and Maria and Jose who were there to celebrate 25 years of wedded bliss….also a nice variety of strippers and hoes….I did put my hands on some rock hard man candy…sorry ladies no pics of that….

 

 

So here goes….just random shots from the strip…

 

 

 

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I can’t say I can see the light at the end of the tunnel…so I’m going with shimmer….while I am going thru something I yet refuse to fully acknowledge or deal with…I know I can feel a shift…but while my head is still stuck in the sand I can focus on me…

For over 30 years my main role has been mother, I’m trying to put some of those day to day worries aside and take care of me…or at least pamper myself…or pay someone else to do it…with a background in the beauty industry it has been one of those things I just did for myself…this past weekend I went and got my hair cut and nails done…it was hard to not tell the stylist how to cut my hair…I know my hair…and I’ve paid anywhere from $10 to $100+ for a hair cut…normally I cut my own hair…every so often I need a little help getting the back cut…you’d think a simple cut straight across would be idiot proof…but I find myself having to educate the stylist about my hair type….nothing screams to me “walk away” when I see a stylist grab a water bottle…I chose to educate the stylist as gently as possible…she did a great job…but I had the poor thing shaking…that wasn’t my intention…but I’ve walked out of 3 salons in one day for the same thing…and then while spending mother/daughter time we decided to get our nails done….***sigh…I regret giving away my supplies…I used to also do my own nails…I am not happy with the nails….too thick, too square, too big…so last night I reshaped them…they are still too thick….I know if I mess with them any more I’ll end up ripping them off…and that’ll hurt…and fuck up my nails more than they already will be just for having artificial nails on…so yeah…maybe I am a tad too much of a picky pain in the ass….

I think I’ll stick to do it yourself…I mean myself….logo

Then the guilt sets in…for frivolously spending on myself…cause yeah….there’s other things I should be thinking about….but nope….not yet…not ready…

 

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facesscalepain I am so over the going over my history….medical history that is…I know on the outside it all looks hunky dory…having chronic pain gets old…the mask that we learn to wear takes its toll…one would be surprised at the amount of effort involved in pulling that off….that smile…it hides a grimace…sometimes…at best it would, at worst…well I’ve been told I look mad, pissed, tired….etc…I’m tired of “looking”….what the hell am I supposed to look like? What are any of us supposed to look like…I don’t want to look like “I’m dying”….even though at times the pain is unbearable…my coping mechanisms are different…sometimes I “barrel” through it….in my world it means something different than what it would for a normal person…but sometimes I just have to punishingly plug away with mundane tasks…to take my mind off of the pain….but it tends to backfire….I want what I’ll never in my lifetime get….a pain free day…it’s kinda like with my insomnia…I’ll sleep when I’m dead…I’ll be pain free when I’m dead…I get annoyed with those that mean well…”pray” seriously? For what? there is no magical being out there that’s going to wave a magic wand and make the pain go away….there are those white coats that may “help” with their potions (drugs) but the reality is that I will be in pain for the rest of my life….different levels of it…on a good day…moderate….on a bad day…”FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOMMA TOO”….I get to where I hurt so much I can’t stand myself….I just want to be alone…nobody asking “what’s wrong?” “FUCK YOU” that’s what’s wrong….I know, I know, people mean well, friends mean well….but it really does get old….who wants to hear someone bitch and moan constantly about every little thing that hurts…or the same ole, same ole….I tried to google “What does pain look like?” I couldn’t find anything that could describe it, but I don’t recommend typing that in google…it was kind of revolting…pain apparently looks like pus filled lumps, bumps and hemorrhoids…..yup, hemorrhoids….like a visual of an asshole turned inside out is an adequate representation….I suppose next time someone asks me how I’m doing I’ll have it in the back of my head that I look like an inside out asshole……

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Guilty….yup I’m guilty…and have no problem facing up to it….hypocrisy…in particular doing things I tell others…(namely my children) not to do.

More on hypocrisy….things that peeve me:
The pretense of having a high moral standing…throwing rocks from a glass house…please worry about you and yours before you worry about me and mine…I’ve always maintained “if you aren’t paying my bills you have no say in what I do or don’t do” I find it laughable how you might smirk or comment about me indulging in an adult beverage, or two..or ten….you may not personally imbibe but you have certainly stood by while your own got stupid wasted…and what? No comment about your precious babes….

I’ve faced criticism over failed relationships…but I’d of made myself a bigger hypocrite living a lie if I’d’ve stayed with the pretense that all was well….I know back in the day it was something that was routinely done…suck it up cupcake was the mantra..heck I tried that…I just couldn’t live with myself and keep up the facade of living the happily ever fantasy…

I am very much related to those whose contrivance of false appearances of virtue or goodness does not go unnoticed. I shoot from the hip as much as I shoot from the lip….gets me in trouble but I have a hard time keeping it to myself…namely to keep the peace….I mean I keep quiet as long as possible…have done it for years…nothing wrong with being harmonious…

Aww…the hypocrites…you know them..most of us parents are guilty…we make our kids follow rules we ourselves don’t follow…this enrages our kids, I know mine have called me out on it..so yeah I plead guilty. Insincerity by virtue of pretending to have qualities or beliefs that are above reproach…but I see your sanctimoniousness, smarminess, falseness, hollowness….all you do is give lip service…guess what…I see you, the real you…and guess what else…everyone else sees you too…and they hear you….just as they see me and hear me…

What we do speaks a lot louder than what we actually say…so while I may call others on their hypocrisy I also have no issue admitting to my own faults….it’s my own special brand of tit for tat….this is the beginning of many changes for whats left of my life….I’ve been cut off and out…and I certainly intend to do the same…out with the old…old shoes with too high of a heel I can’t wear, too tight pants my fat ass can’t fit….clothes too young for my saggy granny parts….the list goes on and on…gosh darn…who knew taking stock would yield such a pile of things that need to go….and how about unequally passing judgement….some of us get the maliciousness of your tongue…while someone else doing a whole lot worse gets kudos….

And for this, my pretties that might read this…if you see yourself here…that is pure awesomeness….if you can cop to it..even better…if you think it’s about you…it just might be…it’s not about one particular person or another…it’s an amalgamation of you, me and Dupree….cause yeah I am a hypocrite…not proud of it, but it’s not all I am…just a small shady part of the whole….I’m also a whole lot of awesomeness wrapped in fat and dipped in gravy.

So I’m off (temporarily) my soapbox….

Feels good to get things off my chest…aside from that too damn tight bra…

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