Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

I’ve missed writing, I miss my writing mojo, I miss so very much, now let me count the ways…the what, and what nots or just ramble…later this AM I am embarking on a road trip…I have not recovered from the last road trip…I miss my BOUNCE….before I could go road tripping, walk around all over the place, go back to my room, get a shower, get a few hours of sleep and do it again and again until the weekend ended…now…not so much…the pain is unbearable, the exhaustion from trying to function, to be human, to be kind, to be everything I was easily before…it sucks, sucks big fat purple monkey balls. I hate this existence…it has caused me to reevaluate a major dream I had…I feel robbed of my independence….I have always prided myself in doing for myself, tackling anything that came my way…I have never liked asking for any help, not from my kids, not from family or friends…now, not to sound ungrateful or anything…I am quite grateful and very appreciative for any and all help I have received or continue to receive…but that doesn’t take away from my feelings….and boy do I have some strong ass feelings of uselessness… I do still maintain my home and maintain an existence that seems not too bad…and others have it much worse, and blah, blah, blah…but I am not here to ramble on about anyone else, this, THIS is about me…and right now I don’t like me, I don’t like the sinking darkness that envelops me, I feel a heavy cloak of darkness, exhaustion…sofa king tired…I just don’t want this, and here I am to vent, bitch and whine…not to be confused with wine…that’ll be later…after all a good coping mechanism can be found at the bottom of a barrel or wine bottle…so for now I intend to continue to wallow in my self pity, in my warm and heavy darkness, I am not interested in leaving my pity party until I am good and ready, I don’t need therapy, I don’t need any well meaning anyone trying to draw me out…I am well equipped to handle my “episodes” all on my own, sort myself out and put my fake ass smile on when I am good and ready…and for anyone familiar with RBF, well a big part of that is being all up in my self and in my feelings. I don’t set out to have a distant, fuck off, fuck you look, but there you go, and there it is and there I am or here I am. THIS is/was my therapy, putting words to my feelings, to my thoughts…and with that this is it for now…making a vow to myself to get back to finding my voice…even if it is just in written form…much preferable to actually using that voice IRL.



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Ponderful weekend…

My weekend is coming to a close, it has been a great weekend…nice and quiet….I had my baby girl for a while, enjoyed her company. I’ve coffeed, read, cleaned, scrubbed…but most importantly I have listened to my body. It still screams at me and it was very loud in wanting to let me know about the upcoming rain and weather changes. I indulged some major guilty pleasures…no witnesses, no judgements, no questions….hadn’t had the time to indulge myself…I’ll be set for a while on that end. I didn’t get around to getting the yard done…I was tempted to push through the pain…but I exercised my better judgement and listened to my body…I need to do more of that. Lots of things I need to do more of…on that note I am off to do just that.giphy

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aye so tired…

Mentally exhausted, physically exhausted…I do believe the mental exhaustion exacerbates the physical exhaustion….I gave myself permission to be lazy this morning, shifting my bedtime routine so I feel the slight differences…surprising what a small change of routine can do…

Been having my boys on my mind, miss them, miss my gbaby…she is growing so fast, I have one of each here (son and granddaughter) and enjoy them as much as possible, still I miss the other two boys…sigh…sometimes I wish I could clone myself and be everywhere…heck I wish I just had the energy to travel to see them…oh well…head is full of randomness…better shut it down…I think that is what it’s going to take…just a good mental break…from myself…

bokeh photo of man wearing black dress shirt

Photo by Danang Wicaksono on Pexels.com


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When does no mean yes? How much push should you push when you push back?

Anywho, had a pleasant day with my little one, she continues to astound me with her intelligence, her insight, her sense of humor…just everything about her I love…except the whining….I don’t like that.

Spoke to all three of my boys, collectively as well as individually…except my number 3…it was short and sweet there…my heart hurts, my head hurts…like my brain hurts….so much said, so much not said…demons…we all have them…we can’t all slay them on our own…I wish I could slay others demons…sigh…I am all random here, so much going on in my head…I don’t expect anything up above to make sense to anyone…if I was having an actual conversation with anyone it really would sound like what is in print….best to keep shit to myself…hmm…should just go grab some ice cold water and read myself to sleep…night….good thing about tomorrows…a chance to have a fresh start or screw shit up…

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Observations during shift change: 12:00AM upon opening the door to client room…heat was emanating from the room, floor was wet, and client observed huddled in corner under covers. Previous shift worker stated that the client had not responded to earlier summons to bring service dog in, Polly stated that the client had entered the facility with her son but she, (Polly) had not seen son on her shift. Entire room was in disarray with some of the furniture outside the room lining the hallway. The beds had been moved and no mattresses were observed on bed frames. Client had cordoned off the room with what appeared to be dog leashes.
Client did not respond to knocking on door when I made rounds.
At approximately 1:00am observed client through security camera, client was outside in her robe, robe was filthy and not fastened, and client had no clothing under robe. Client was attempting to open back door, door had not been propped open so I proceeded to door to allow client entry into facility.
Approximately 2:20AM client came to office and stated that her son was having a seizure. Advised client to remain with child while I placed a call to 911. Provided dispatch with information as relayed by child’s mother. Client was not able to ascertain whether son had taken medications. Observations at this time: beds were back in their regular place, mattresses were on beds. Child appeared to be in an active tonic seizure; extremities were rigid and pulled towards body, breathing was hard, and child appeared wet and had no clothing on. Advised mother to remain with child as I went to check the front door for EMS.
Approximately 2:30AM went back to room to assist client with child, at this point, I observed the mother laying over her son, and this would be best described as mother straddling son as she held his upper extremities. Child remained unclothed and mother was still in her robe, did not observe any clothing underneath robe on mother.
Approximately 2:40AM EMS arrived on site, assessment made on child; child lifted unto stretcher and transported via ambulance to Hospital. Client was unable to ride in ambulance, as the EMS could not allow the dog unto the ambulance. Client was going to follow ambulance to hospital but discovered that the battery in her vehicle was dead.
Approximately 2:50AM transported mother and dog to Hospital. During the transport to hospital client was carrying a backpack, a purse, the dog and her shoes.
Approximately 3:35AM Hospital Security personnel contacted me to report that client’s dog had attacked hospital staff and that dog would need to be picked up. I went back to the hospital where client was located and spoke to the Security Guard who advised that client was not allowed to have dog with her. She further advised that the dog was not Certified and/or Registered as a Service Animal. She further stated that it was a federal offense to report a dog as such without proper documentation. Hospital staff also addressed the issue of client not wearing shoes while in the hospital, client had been provided with socks by hospital staff.
Approximately 3:50AM returned back to facility with client and dog. Client secured the dog in a crate. Client then stated that she needed to locate her “tooth” advised client that I would allow her five minutes and then I would come and get her so that she could return to her son. Came back to client’s room to return her to the hospital and observed a large quantity of dog food spilt on floor, client requested a broom and dustpan, due to time constraints I advised client that if it was okay with her I would pick up the dog food for her. Observed client pull tennis shoes out of backpack and replace them with black loafer style shoes.
Approximately 4:10AM returned to Hospital with mother. Accompanied client into hospital, client was advised that her son would be airlifted to another hospital for further evaluation and treatment. Client stated to the nursing staff that her doctor had made allowances for the service animal and that she would like to take the dog. Client once again advised that the dog was not a service animal and had already bitten hospital staff and as such not allowed into the hospital, ambulance or helicopter. Client advised to find placement for dog.

Retrieved vehicle keys from client, swept up dog food, ensured dog was secure and had water in bowl, as I was closing the door I observed a small light orange round pill in front of client’s door.

****Disclaimer*** Not a work of fiction…

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Fingers crossed lest I speaketh to soon…spent all night on high alert…thankfully the only thing with any flash bang and pop was the night sky. The night sky was lit up with an amazing light show….it rained and rained and that made me happy…I did go out and got partially drenched…it felt good but my hair doesn’t agree…oh well…it is Friday and I am going to go straight home for a nap so I can be energized for my little princess…might have to figure out something for us to do or go somewhere…we shall see…if not activities will be on todays agenda…I will stay away from yard work even though the temptation is strong and the desire even stronger…..must slap hands…and why do some women have to be so utterly stupid…I see a cow smoking up a storm….said cow is in her third trimester…I currently have no compassion for said cow. well almost time for me to get things wrapped up and end my shift…45 minutes or so and I can get out of here…yay.

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Or at least I do, I know I am alive, I know I am stupid, I know I have limitations, I know I exceeded the limitations, I know I can still do stupid stuff and more importantly I just know I Cantu (can too).

I decided to do some yard work, which I wholeheartedly enjoy…unfortunately my back is not so fond of my lack of better judgement…I’ll start feeling the tightness, the messages sent to my brain, but something in me refuses to quit…I keep pushing and pushing…and here we are days later and still hurting (a lot) but also I am waiting for the pain to ease up so I can get back to it…yes, I could easily engage in getting help…but that would be depriving myself of such a simple joy…minus the fucking calluses. Those I don’t like, but I have manly rough hands, nothing sissy about my hands…nothing sissy about me at all…

And on to other things…my brain has been foggier, more so than what has become the norm….could be the drugs, could be the lack of activity (mental) I have been having a hard time getting into finishing a book I just started…granted when I am in pain I just cannot concentrate…so I pick the book up and keep reading the same 2-3 pages and putting it back down…I know, this too shall pass…like a kidney stone or stuck compacted turd.

And another thing I really do think I should get back to writing, like seriously my brain needs the self stimulation that only I can provide for it.

And that’s all I have for now.


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