That moment when you realize you have juicy gossip and not a single person to tell…lots of people in mind that would be interested…karma is telling me to just stfu…so I will…
Miscommunication…lately it seems to be the basis of my life. truths, untruths, my morning was epically phucked…I had a sleepless night (thank you insomnia) I fasted for an appointment to get lab work done, I made it a point to be there before the clinic opened, I was the third one in…and the first one out…somehow they phucked up and I didn’t show up on their system, even though on my end I had confirmation…le sigh…so I came home and made some follow up phone calls and admittedly got somewhat testy…(I was hangry and still fasting)…they gave me the option of doing the lab work early tomorrow morning and DR visit in the early afternoon…nope…I was not about to do another fast, especially overnight and insomnia likely to happen again…so I got busy emptying every drawer and doing some refolding and purging as I waited for a call back with an okay to get the lab work done…the testiness worked in my favor (by testy I mean somewhat bitchy…why lie)…just super frustrating when they have access to my medical records, last visit, etc…yet they can’t get it together…and just now I had to call to re-confirm my appointment for tomorrow as they sent me 2 messages with different appointment times…fingers crossed that they don’t phuck it up between now and tomorrow afternoon…
Begin the begin…not to be confused with the beguine, though doing a rumba might be easier than making any type of personal statement…but my begin, begins with….wait for it….
Two hours in and I’ve already had quite the eventful night…which is a welcome distraction….glad it happened early on and was easy to deal with…so much appreciate the quick response from law enforcement….so glad it is Friday it has been a long week, I’ve yet to fully recover from last weekend. I am ready for a weekend of full on R&R, I may work on a few projects or I may do absolutely nothing…I do know I will have good company, there is that little girl that owns my heart, she has probably already planned a sleep over….doesn’t fail on weekends, she is my weekend buddy…the good thing is that she is getting better at entertaining herself so I get my rest/sleep…which I will need. As I hit the keys on this keyboard and see the words that are coming out of my head I am not too thrilled to see how old and tired I have become…not just with me but with the marrow…
Feeling the feels in a deep and profound way…I had a realization….I am not that good with criticism…well in some ways I am, I take positive criticism well, the negative not so much, but still I work with what I get…I process what I receive and I work with it…not always in the most positive of ways…I tend to retreat into myself and I am more private in the things I do, not in a way to hide what I do but if my actions are hurtful or offensive to anyone then I will go above and beyond to not be that person, by the same token I am made more aware of the same transgressions by others…and man are those transgressions off the chain…makes me realize that even at my worst I am not as bad as others…anywho to each their own…I just have to worry about me, making myself a better me…if that is a remote possibility…ha!
…and on to other things…I have been living in a bubble, getting most of my news off of social media…I aim to change that…that change started about 30 minutes ago, I have tuned into the news on a real live newsfeed…yup…now I have to work on my attention span. I will be spending less time on social media and more time reading and writing and being more aware of the world around me…baby steps of course…I have after all been sticking my head in the sand for quite a while time to revive some of my brain cells…if I still have enough left…time to dig out me DSM IV and get to reading…along with my regularly preferred fluff…said fluff consisting of death and mayhem.
He painted my picture
Slashes of evil, strokes of bitterness, splatters of regret
Ribbons of disgust and disdain
He then spoon fed me my beauty, my kindness, my gentle soul
The juxtaposition is confounding
I stood in front of the mirror
I spoke, on my shoulder he bespoke
I saw the joke, gee what a bloke
We then went for broke
I’m back in my nest, in need of a rest
Never at your behest, save it for the test
Searching for words to feed the birds
I found my autonomy, not easy in this economy
As my head explodes I think of my threnode
I think of the bliss, not your diss
My mind unfettered, freeing and bettered
Ruby Cantu 3.5.19
So I did my end of the year post in Spanish yesterday…for some reason when I was thinking about it the thoughts only came to me in Spanish….I tried to think of why my mind was blocking English thought, no answers, for the record I think mostly in English, my dreams (from what I can remember of them) are also in English….anywho….I was reflecting on friendships, the loss of friends whether through just life events, choice, circumstance or whatever the cause…some of those losses I have felt deeply while others were inconsequential….I have a hard time trusting anyone to be a part of my small world, the people I do let in my world get to know me…(not the whole of me, for that I am not now or never will be able to fully trust any one individual to know that much about me). In some ways my world is getting smaller….that part is by choice….and just like yesterdays post I once again lost my train of thought….I suppose to surmise where all this gobbledygook is going is that in some way I am mourning the losses of 2018. And while I was attempting to gather my thoughts I came across this:
Ya el año esta por llegar a su fin…adios a las amistades que se han perdido por diferentes questiones, cosas del destino, cosas de la vida, por inseguridades masculinas y tambien femeninas, pero no tanto como lo masculino, alli si que no hay competencia o comparasion. Adios a la familia que se perdio, pero tan bien familia recuperada. Nuevas experencias, este año no hay deseo para celebrar, las celebraciones ya se dieron en su momento y con las personas que importan. Con toda certeza y honestidad si extraño algunas amistades pero que se le va hacer….en mi vida no tengo pacencia para babosadas y mucho menos para los babosos..en mi vido solo hay lugar para la paz..y ya se me fue la honda….pero en unos momentos yo solita me empieso mi celebracion, solita y muy agusto…y ese es mi broche de oro!
I’ve missed writing, I miss my writing mojo, I miss so very much, now let me count the ways…the what, and what nots or just ramble…later this AM I am embarking on a road trip…I have not recovered from the last road trip…I miss my BOUNCE….before I could go road tripping, walk around all over the place, go back to my room, get a shower, get a few hours of sleep and do it again and again until the weekend ended…now…not so much…the pain is unbearable, the exhaustion from trying to function, to be human, to be kind, to be everything I was easily before…it sucks, sucks big fat purple monkey balls. I hate this existence…it has caused me to reevaluate a major dream I had…I feel robbed of my independence….I have always prided myself in doing for myself, tackling anything that came my way…I have never liked asking for any help, not from my kids, not from family or friends…now, not to sound ungrateful or anything…I am quite grateful and very appreciative for any and all help I have received or continue to receive…but that doesn’t take away from my feelings….and boy do I have some strong ass feelings of uselessness… I do still maintain my home and maintain an existence that seems not too bad…and others have it much worse, and blah, blah, blah…but I am not here to ramble on about anyone else, this, THIS is about me…and right now I don’t like me, I don’t like the sinking darkness that envelops me, I feel a heavy cloak of darkness, exhaustion…sofa king tired…I just don’t want this, and here I am to vent, bitch and whine…not to be confused with wine…that’ll be later…after all a good coping mechanism can be found at the bottom of a barrel or wine bottle…so for now I intend to continue to wallow in my self pity, in my warm and heavy darkness, I am not interested in leaving my pity party until I am good and ready, I don’t need therapy, I don’t need any well meaning anyone trying to draw me out…I am well equipped to handle my “episodes” all on my own, sort myself out and put my fake ass smile on when I am good and ready…and for anyone familiar with RBF, well a big part of that is being all up in my self and in my feelings. I don’t set out to have a distant, fuck off, fuck you look, but there you go, and there it is and there I am or here I am. THIS is/was my therapy, putting words to my feelings, to my thoughts…and with that this is it for now…making a vow to myself to get back to finding my voice…even if it is just in written form…much preferable to actually using that voice IRL.