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I can’t say I can see the light at the end of the tunnel…so I’m going with shimmer….while I am going thru something I yet refuse to fully acknowledge or deal with…I know I can feel a shift…but while my head is still stuck in the sand I can focus on me…

For over 30 years my main role has been mother, I’m trying to put some of those day to day worries aside and take care of me…or at least pamper myself…or pay someone else to do it…with a background in the beauty industry it has been one of those things I just did for myself…this past weekend I went and got my hair cut and nails done…it was hard to not tell the stylist how to cut my hair…I know my hair…and I’ve paid anywhere from $10 to $100+ for a hair cut…normally I cut my own hair…every so often I need a little help getting the back cut…you’d think a simple cut straight across would be idiot proof…but I find myself having to educate the stylist about my hair type….nothing screams to me “walk away” when I see a stylist grab a water bottle…I chose to educate the stylist as gently as possible…she did a great job…but I had the poor thing shaking…that wasn’t my intention…but I’ve walked out of 3 salons in one day for the same thing…and then while spending mother/daughter time we decided to get our nails done….***sigh…I regret giving away my supplies…I used to also do my own nails…I am not happy with the nails….too thick, too square, too big…so last night I reshaped them…they are still too thick….I know if I mess with them any more I’ll end up ripping them off…and that’ll hurt…and fuck up my nails more than they already will be just for having artificial nails on…so yeah…maybe I am a tad too much of a picky pain in the ass….

I think I’ll stick to do it yourself…I mean myself….logo

Then the guilt sets in…for frivolously spending on myself…cause yeah….there’s other things I should be thinking about….but nope….not yet…not ready…

 

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facesscalepain I am so over the going over my history….medical history that is…I know on the outside it all looks hunky dory…having chronic pain gets old…the mask that we learn to wear takes its toll…one would be surprised at the amount of effort involved in pulling that off….that smile…it hides a grimace…sometimes…at best it would, at worst…well I’ve been told I look mad, pissed, tired….etc…I’m tired of “looking”….what the hell am I supposed to look like? What are any of us supposed to look like…I don’t want to look like “I’m dying”….even though at times the pain is unbearable…my coping mechanisms are different…sometimes I “barrel” through it….in my world it means something different than what it would for a normal person…but sometimes I just have to punishingly plug away with mundane tasks…to take my mind off of the pain….but it tends to backfire….I want what I’ll never in my lifetime get….a pain free day…it’s kinda like with my insomnia…I’ll sleep when I’m dead…I’ll be pain free when I’m dead…I get annoyed with those that mean well…”pray” seriously? For what? there is no magical being out there that’s going to wave a magic wand and make the pain go away….there are those white coats that may “help” with their potions (drugs) but the reality is that I will be in pain for the rest of my life….different levels of it…on a good day…moderate….on a bad day…”FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOMMA TOO”….I get to where I hurt so much I can’t stand myself….I just want to be alone…nobody asking “what’s wrong?” “FUCK YOU” that’s what’s wrong….I know, I know, people mean well, friends mean well….but it really does get old….who wants to hear someone bitch and moan constantly about every little thing that hurts…or the same ole, same ole….I tried to google “What does pain look like?” I couldn’t find anything that could describe it, but I don’t recommend typing that in google…it was kind of revolting…pain apparently looks like pus filled lumps, bumps and hemorrhoids…..yup, hemorrhoids….like a visual of an asshole turned inside out is an adequate representation….I suppose next time someone asks me how I’m doing I’ll have it in the back of my head that I look like an inside out asshole……

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Guilty….yup I’m guilty…and have no problem facing up to it….hypocrisy…in particular doing things I tell others…(namely my children) not to do.

More on hypocrisy….things that peeve me:
The pretense of having a high moral standing…throwing rocks from a glass house…please worry about you and yours before you worry about me and mine…I’ve always maintained “if you aren’t paying my bills you have no say in what I do or don’t do” I find it laughable how you might smirk or comment about me indulging in an adult beverage, or two..or ten….you may not personally imbibe but you have certainly stood by while your own got stupid wasted…and what? No comment about your precious babes….

I’ve faced criticism over failed relationships…but I’d of made myself a bigger hypocrite living a lie if I’d’ve stayed with the pretense that all was well….I know back in the day it was something that was routinely done…suck it up cupcake was the mantra..heck I tried that…I just couldn’t live with myself and keep up the facade of living the happily ever fantasy…

I am very much related to those whose contrivance of false appearances of virtue or goodness does not go unnoticed. I shoot from the hip as much as I shoot from the lip….gets me in trouble but I have a hard time keeping it to myself…namely to keep the peace….I mean I keep quiet as long as possible…have done it for years…nothing wrong with being harmonious…

Aww…the hypocrites…you know them..most of us parents are guilty…we make our kids follow rules we ourselves don’t follow…this enrages our kids, I know mine have called me out on it..so yeah I plead guilty. Insincerity by virtue of pretending to have qualities or beliefs that are above reproach…but I see your sanctimoniousness, smarminess, falseness, hollowness….all you do is give lip service…guess what…I see you, the real you…and guess what else…everyone else sees you too…and they hear you….just as they see me and hear me…

What we do speaks a lot louder than what we actually say…so while I may call others on their hypocrisy I also have no issue admitting to my own faults….it’s my own special brand of tit for tat….this is the beginning of many changes for whats left of my life….I’ve been cut off and out…and I certainly intend to do the same…out with the old…old shoes with too high of a heel I can’t wear, too tight pants my fat ass can’t fit….clothes too young for my saggy granny parts….the list goes on and on…gosh darn…who knew taking stock would yield such a pile of things that need to go….and how about unequally passing judgement….some of us get the maliciousness of your tongue…while someone else doing a whole lot worse gets kudos….

And for this, my pretties that might read this…if you see yourself here…that is pure awesomeness….if you can cop to it..even better…if you think it’s about you…it just might be…it’s not about one particular person or another…it’s an amalgamation of you, me and Dupree….cause yeah I am a hypocrite…not proud of it, but it’s not all I am…just a small shady part of the whole….I’m also a whole lot of awesomeness wrapped in fat and dipped in gravy.

So I’m off (temporarily) my soapbox….

Feels good to get things off my chest…aside from that too damn tight bra…

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Today was the start of a new chapter….and boy what an eye opening chapter it is….did I bite more than I can chew…can I do this? So many questions now…but at the time when they were asking…”Do you have any questions? ” My mind was a blank….sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same…I was going to go into this new thing with some excitement, some hope that I would be making a difference…now…not so sure…and just like I advised my number 3 to readjust his mindset…well I have to take my own advise and readjust mine…the idealism must go and it must be replaced with realistic expectations…and my feeling towards expectations has always been to keep my expectations low…or just not have any…that will help in not being disappointed….

The good thing about all this is that the other door to the other part of what I was doing is still open……and will be open for at least two weeks….I may need it to remain open…I hope not…I know how to put my big girl panties on and deal…I’ve been doing this like forever….on another note…I know there are quite a few job openings in Starr County….them thieving rat bastards made sure of that….what the fuck is wrong with people? But I do have to admire their genius on one level…they sure had quite a scheme going….just goes to show not all mesicans are stoopid….but eventually shit will catch up with ya….idiots….

I gots a headache…I’m thinking lack of food….

Word is my baby…the tator…is finally being released from the hostage situation he has been embroiled in….and he will be on his way to “A” school tomorrow…yay…

….and off I go to hunt up some entertainment…book or a movie….

step

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Lots of changes….today marks the last day….sorta…at the place I am currently working at…I need to call the other place and let them know I’ll be ready Monday….it’ll be hush, hush….cause there are some things I just don’t need to share. All I can say is I uploaded my un-updated resume at 3am, and received a call at 10:45 am, stopped in for an interview and signed off on a job offer.

Sadness fills my heart because my number three will not be able to join us for xmas…we didn’t get to see him for Thanksgiving….it’s a new way of life for all of us, but especially for my baby. Over the years as a fulltime working single parent I had to shuffle holiday celebrations, my thing is there are 24 hours in a day and celebrations can be scheduled around work. Working the holidays is no big deal to me, especially now when the kidlets are all grown and out of the house.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about some of the upcoming changes…work related…

Anywho….off to make some phone calls….

ChangesFuture

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So finally time to update on Andrew’s graduation….

We arrived on Thursday morning, the flight was uneventful…thankfully, we got our rental and got out of Chicago and found our way to the hotel, it was not as bad as I expected. I am not a big city girl, even though I have lived and driven in big cities before…the hotel (Red Carpet Inn) was far from red carpet worthiness, nonetheless it was conveniently situated, it was within minutes of the base…which was very important due to time constraints. It was cold and the wind was brutal, I packed accordingly….or so I thought…I ended up wearing my clothes in layers, and glad that I was smart enough to pack stretchy stuff that I could wear over my other clothes. It wasn’t so much the temperatures, but the wind…good gosh….I know it has the nickname of the Windy City, but I’ve lived in other places that have been just as windy if not more…just not something you can prepare for when you get acclimated to Texas weather. So anyway, we made it in, and had fun getting checked in early…which I told the girl at the front desk, no problem if it is too early, we can always come back, she sent us to a room that had these massive double sinks on top of the beds…strike one, the next room, my #2 went in, it was not ready, not clean, toilet a mess…strike 2, next room, key didn’t work….strike 3…next room, front desk girl went and checked first then gave us a working key….sigh…that was exhausting….Derrick and I then went and had a late breakfast next door to the hotel, biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs and crispy bacon, I love crispy bacon! Then we went to Walmart and got some cheap gloves and some other stuff…then we went to the hotel, chilled for a while then made it to the meet and greet…I was disappointed with that but the food was free and it was actually good, I could see Derrick was miserable there so I put him out of his misery and we went back to the hotel. Friday morning we got up early, grabbed some water and a couple of offerings from the continental breakfast spread and headed to the base. We got there, found the section reserved for Andrew’s division and got front row seating….not the best seat in the house but good enough for me…and not the best seat because when they opened the doors to let the sailors in the wind also came in…so finally they started the ceremony, Andrew’s division came in first, saw him, he didn’t see us….poor kids they all looked frozen and exhausted….

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Division 001

Texas in the house!

Texas in the house!

So once the ceremony was concluded, Liberty was declared and mayhem ensued…it was find your Sailor time….found mine! IMG_2864

And then it was tears, hugs and time to make plans for the rest of the day with our Sailor. But before that….Andrew wanted us to meat the Reviewing Officer, the night before when they had dinner he got to meet the Rear Admiral….who is a Texas native, when he asked if there was anyone from Texas Andrew raised his hand, they spoke briefly and he invited Andrew to sit next to him at dinner.

Rear Admiral Eric Young

Rear Admiral Eric Young

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Posing for a pic

He also told Andrew he wanted to meet us…so we went in search of Young, who we found and were escorted to meet him in a private section that is closely guarded. We did the introductions and then Young asked Andrew if he had received a challenge coin from him the previous evening, Andrew said no, so Young reached into his pocket and presented Andrew with his first challenge coin. His words of appreciation and encouragement went a long way. Andrew was and still is highly stoked….and with good reason. Challenge coins are available for purchase…so yeah anyone can have them, but when it is handed to you by a top level member of the military it has a more special meaning than if mommy had ordered one thru EBay. IMG_2866 IMG_2868 IMG_2869

Challenge coin - back

Challenge coin – back

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Challenge Coin – Front

I am thankful that Rear Admiral Young took the time to encourage my son and also take the time to personally meet and visit with us briefly, we were not on his scheduled agenda so the fact that he took the time to do this made the occasion that much more special.

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L. National Defense Service Ribbon. R. Pistol Marksmanship w/ an Expert Rating.

While in boot camp, Andrew also received his first of what will be many ribbons…

A little Bio on Young↓↓

The Reviewing Officer for Andrew’s  PIR (graduation) was Rear Admiral Eric Young, Commander, Navy Reserve Forces Command. A native of Abilene, Texas, RADM Young is a graduate of Angelo State University in San Angelo, Texas, where he earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Chemistry. He received his commission as an Ensign from Officer Candidate School in February 1985. He holds a Master of Science degree in Financial Management from the Naval Postgraduate School and a Master of Arts degree in National Security and Strategic Studies from the Naval War College in Newport, Rhode Island.

Young’s tours at sea as a surface warfare officer include ordnance officer, USS Reid (FFG 30); navigator, USS San Jose (AFS 7); operations officer, USS Wadsworth (FFG 9); combat systems officer, Destroyer Squadron 31; executive officer, USS Ford (FFG 54); commanding officer, USS John L Hall (FFG 32); and commander, Destroyer Squadron 1.

Young’s staff and shore assignments included commanding officer, Naval Reserve Center Terre Haute, Indiana; commanding officer, Naval Reserve Center Danville, Illinois; manpower analyst in the Surface Warfare Directorate, Chief of Naval Operations (N86); manpower and personnel director, Naval Reserve Readiness Command South; commanding officer, Navy Operational Support Center San Diego, California; deputy director, Training Transformation and Technology in the Office of the Secretary of Defense (Reserve Affairs); and most recently, as deputy chief of Navy Reserve from July 2012 to August 2014.

During his command tour aboard USS John L. Hall (FFG 32), his crew won five of five Command Excellence awards. Young assumed command of Destroyer Squadron 1 from June 2009 through November 2010. In October 2009, Destroyer Squadron 1 was assigned as the Sea Combat Commander for the Carl Vinson Strike Group. Young spearheaded Destroyer Squadron 1 transformation from an ISIC-focused destroyer squadron to an operationally-focused destroyer squadron. For the first time, Destroyer Squadron 1 became a permanent Sea Combat Commander for a Strike Group.

Young became Commander, Navy Reserve Forces Command in Norfolk, Virginia, September 25, 2014.

Young’s decorations include the Defense Superior Service Medal, Legion of Merit, Meritorious Service Medal, Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medal, Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medal, and various unit and campaign awards.

As part of the official arrival ceremony on Friday morning, after the Ruffles and Flourishes are played once she’s announced, she is also entitled to a 13-Gun Salute fired in five second intervals. The saluting cannons are outside the drill hall, but you should be prepared (and caution the young ones) for the cannon “BOOMs”. Military guests in uniform are to hold their salute until the last shot is fired. All other guests should remain standing until told to be seated.

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