Being in control, taking control, losing control, having control, ceding control, and using control…..
My battle with control has been a long one, one I will probably never completely give up no matter the detritus to me.
My early memories of good, bad and ugly all fighting for a piece of me go way back. I was your typical good Catholic little girl, living by those Ten Commandments…fighting for control against the bad girl who wanted to break at least half (if not more) of them. But there was also the part of me ready to uphold one or two….
1. Do not worship any other gods besides me. “lucky for you Mr. god, I don’t know any other god’s”
2. Do not make idols of any kind. “American idol wasn’t around”
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain. “God damn it, why aren’t you watching out for me? And if you are, are you getting off on this shit?
4. Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. “Sunday is as good as any other day to kill the bitch.”
5. Honor your father and mother. “I’ve got a special way planned to “honor” the bitch.”
6. Thou shalt not kill. “Oops, guess I’m breaking bad.”
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. “scratch”
8. Thou shalt not steal. “…maybe not steal, but at least borrow a shiny sharp murderous object, which may or not be used, a good piece of fallen tree may work just as well…or poison…”
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. “They know nothing…”
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house. “of course not, no use for it….I’m just 12 years old”
Growing up in an abusive environment with no control, and then graduating to an endless stream of relationships with one controlling person after another…whether these were friendships, family relationships or other relationships, for me control of one type or another was always there.
I realize now that a big part of me is still fighting those demons and even if I can now keep them at bay (under control) they will never completely leave me…and that is completely okay with me. These demons are a big part of me…
Somewhere along the way I managed to suppress (control) the urge to completely go off the deep end. Last night I lay awake vividly remembering all the plotting I had started before I was even ten years old. By then I already had hundreds of true crime books under my belt. I was convinced I could commit the perfect crime and get away with it.
When I was older and had hundreds more crime books under my belt, the plotting turned into something else….basically I ceded control….and I lost me. But I still had dreams of deaths, yes deaths with an “s”….
So where am I today? I am a peace loving, very vanilla, in control (ha) SAHM.