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Archive for the ‘~~The Write Stuff~~’ Category

After a few conversations with some of my readers/friends over my “water under the bridge” blog I felt I had to come back and explain some of my thought process…not easy to do as I tend to go all over the place with my thinking…and everything else around me…ADHD is beginning to look like a friend….

But back to the esplainin’…I am an avid reader, I love the written word, I don’t have a particular favorite author, I do have favorite genres…and I also read random blogs, political articles, historical pieces, etc, etc.. and one of the things that draws me in to any story I am reading is the ability to connect with the character or the writer…in my writing I tend to attempt to draw in my readers…it happens, they see themselves in what I write…often times to the point of them feeling it was written about them…that rarely happens…yes I may draw from current situations I may be in the midst of or simply observations…on the occasion that I do write about someone I will extend them the courtesy of giving them a heads up (and yes, I still have a couple of pieces to write by request…haven’t forgotten).

When I am reading someone else’s story I like to see how they ultimately resolve their dilemma often times it is feedback from readers that serves as a guide for them…it’s like reaching out to the universe for advice and the universe throws back its wisdom….me…well my resolutions don’t often work for anyone else…rarely do they work for me…but you can’t always turn back the hands of time and get a do over….I am more of a cautionary tale….

So when my writing resonates with you it is a “feel good” for me, it lets me know that something I had to say did evoke a feeling…maybe not the best feeling…but a reminder that we all are connected somehow….our life experiences sometimes are a mirror…and there was so much more I could say about my thinking and/or writing process…but there that thing again….ADHD…

adhd

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Goodbyes are not always easy…some goodbyes are meant more like a see ya later…some are more final…I’ve got a few final goodbyes under my belt…and not the ones where someone physically died, they just became dead to me…whether thru negative actions on their part…or mine…(I’m no angel after all) anywho…as of late I have another one…not because of anything catastrophically or inherently beyond reason…but it just worked itself into that…the saying of water under the bridge applies in many instances, I do have a forgiving nature, I am easy going…for the most part…but in other areas I am unyielding, unbending and allow things to get to a point that there is no turning back…so with that being said….yup, water under the bridge….nothing to forgive and no regrets…but……..I’ve learned thru the years that we don’t always know what the water carries and it’s best to take a step back and not wallow in the muck…h20

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So a new chapter of my life is in front of me….I left home before I completed high school, got married and had my first son…life has been rocky at best, but not dull. Marriage did not work out for me so I went on to do the single mother thing….then I gave it another shot and had two more kids….all in all I have been a mother for about 30 years….yes I count back to when I discovered I was with child as the beginning of my road to motherhood. For the most part I have always been a single parent, even when I was in a relationship I was going it alone….I did find it easier to go it alone….there wasn’t anyone to contradict me in parenting matters…anywho…I survived it! I can proudly attest to the fact that I have 3 amazing sons, each of them following their own path. And while I may not be proud of the choices and paths they have taken I can certainly say that I am proud that they have followed their heart. I certainly did that myself…and yes that has led me to some poor choices, but they were my own choices. Even as a youngster with family feeling they had to opine I was of the mindset that they could just shut the fuck up…they weren’t paying my bills or in any way stepping up to help in any way shape or form.

With a heavy heart I took my son to San Antonio to hand him over to the US Navy…but when I say heavy I don’t mean it in a woe is me…my heart was heavy with a whole ball of emotions, happiness, joy, pride, love and admiration. On the drive there we did a lot of talking….the days before he left we spent as much time together as possible…on one of our outings he sang me a song….aside from the explicit and totally inappropriate lyrics I could hear the raw talent in his voice as he hit some rather high notes….I didn’t know he had that in him, he had never sang in front of me. I swear if he hadn’t already committed to the Navy I’d have been recording his ass and blasting him all over social media until someone took notice.

This last one leaving the nest hits hard…I’ve been looking forward to the experience of living alone, there is trepidation, nervousness, and a slew of other emotions and considerations…I know I’ll be fine. I can’t wait to start living this new chapter…actually I already have, part of that process is deep cleaning my house…though at every turn I keep finding things my child did not pack….then I get nostalgic…and I find that I will have to get another box….it’s a process.

I’ll for sure be making a bigger attempt in writing more, reading more, reconnecting more with friends I’ve neglected….funny thing about life is that it doesn’t slow down….and I can’t speed myself anymore than I already move….I curse this piece of shit body that doesn’t always cooperate with me. I am still of the mindset that I can do everything for myself…I can’t…and I hate that. It is my struggle and I am fortunate enough to have friends that are willing to step up and help out….on that note I’m stopping here I’ve things I need to get to as my break is over….

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there is a fetid feel in the air, trudging through the halls
hitting the walls like shit that hits the fan
there isn’t a way to take it out like yesterdays garbage
so it wafts and infuses itself with all it touches
it takes a spark to set it off, air to carry it around and bitterness to hold on to  it
merry fucking joy joy …..

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love…it was madly, truly, deeply and sick and twisted gut wrenching blood curdling ~~ life…it just got sucked out of every pore, yet there is no end to it …death wishes come to taunt and tease understanding of pure evil disguised and wrapped in dogoodiness that isn’t that good sleep, never peaceful never fitfull joy wiped away  pictures found, memories that don’t fit, shouldn’t fit, should be destroyed anvils and albatrosses tears dreams broken spiritless

 

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“Do not be too moral, you may cheat yourself out of much life so. Aim above morality. Be not simply good, be good for something.”
-Henry David Thoreau

Morals-motivation based on ideas of right and wrong.

Morons-idiots not living life due to excessive worry about morality, usually someone else’s.

I can honestly say that my morals are somewhat skewed thus allowing me to somewhat have a life, yet in place to prevent me from going down the wrong path….well I still travel down the wrong path, but before I fall off the deep end I usually manage a U-Turn.

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