…and by that I mean the DONATE button → (on the right) yes that yellow one….I am shamelessly appealing to YOU, by YOU I mean You who are reading this. My youngest son is currently in boot camp and will be graduating next month. This year has been a complete bitch financially….numerous repairs to my vehicle, central air unit, the major plumbing repairs, the countless tires I’ve either had to repair or replace due to vandalism…it has all taken a huge hit on me…it hurts…anywho…I can’t imagine missing this major milestone, my son graduating from the Navy’s boot camp…my heart swells with pride…I’ve singlehandedly raised three amazing young men, I’d love to be able to take his brothers with me but their finances are worse than mine. So back to the appeal part of this here blog….anything you can help with will be greatly appreciated, if you can share this on your page I’ll be grateful for that as well. No amount is to great or too small….I will be donating plasma, selling stuff, and cutting back every where else I can possibly cut costs…I will get there! So if you find it in you to donate or simply share this it will be much appreciated…I hate asking for help, but this is me putting pride aside. Much love to you…and thanks for reading, sharing and caring. ♥
So a new chapter of my life is in front of me….I left home before I completed high school, got married and had my first son…life has been rocky at best, but not dull. Marriage did not work out for me so I went on to do the single mother thing….then I gave it another shot and had two more kids….all in all I have been a mother for about 30 years….yes I count back to when I discovered I was with child as the beginning of my road to motherhood. For the most part I have always been a single parent, even when I was in a relationship I was going it alone….I did find it easier to go it alone….there wasn’t anyone to contradict me in parenting matters…anywho…I survived it! I can proudly attest to the fact that I have 3 amazing sons, each of them following their own path. And while I may not be proud of the choices and paths they have taken I can certainly say that I am proud that they have followed their heart. I certainly did that myself…and yes that has led me to some poor choices, but they were my own choices. Even as a youngster with family feeling they had to opine I was of the mindset that they could just shut the fuck up…they weren’t paying my bills or in any way stepping up to help in any way shape or form.
With a heavy heart I took my son to San Antonio to hand him over to the US Navy…but when I say heavy I don’t mean it in a woe is me…my heart was heavy with a whole ball of emotions, happiness, joy, pride, love and admiration. On the drive there we did a lot of talking….the days before he left we spent as much time together as possible…on one of our outings he sang me a song….aside from the explicit and totally inappropriate lyrics I could hear the raw talent in his voice as he hit some rather high notes….I didn’t know he had that in him, he had never sang in front of me. I swear if he hadn’t already committed to the Navy I’d have been recording his ass and blasting him all over social media until someone took notice.
This last one leaving the nest hits hard…I’ve been looking forward to the experience of living alone, there is trepidation, nervousness, and a slew of other emotions and considerations…I know I’ll be fine. I can’t wait to start living this new chapter…actually I already have, part of that process is deep cleaning my house…though at every turn I keep finding things my child did not pack….then I get nostalgic…and I find that I will have to get another box….it’s a process.
I’ll for sure be making a bigger attempt in writing more, reading more, reconnecting more with friends I’ve neglected….funny thing about life is that it doesn’t slow down….and I can’t speed myself anymore than I already move….I curse this piece of shit body that doesn’t always cooperate with me. I am still of the mindset that I can do everything for myself…I can’t…and I hate that. It is my struggle and I am fortunate enough to have friends that are willing to step up and help out….on that note I’m stopping here I’ve things I need to get to as my break is over….
In 23 days boy # 2 will leave us. Today it hit me, and as I broke down, he broke down with me. We hugged for a good while and said I love you, love you back, love you more. And cried some more. I thought I was all cried out from yesterday. I had a bittersweet father’s day, me and my dead daddy. He has been gone for over 20 years, yesterday it was raw and I decided to cheer me up….I phoned in an order from Applebee’s, 2 for $20, one appetizer and two entrees. I fed my daddy very well, spicy boneless wings, chicken and shrimp with potatoes and a riblet basket with fries. I was quite miserable when I was done…..confession, I might have fed us too much. My belly still hurts. Dead people can’t really eat. I’m getting fat. I’ve gained over 10 pounds in 2 weeks time. Not done getting fat. Going away party for D will add more weight. SIGH***
Well no not really….I’ve lost my kicking abilities, not to be confused with my kick ass abilities, those are still there. My back has been kicking my ass…yeah it is humanly possible…..trust me on that one. I’m out of Norco, do not have insurance and probably wouldn’t be able to afford a refill….so on to plan B….or what I’ve decided I may try…I’ll share if and when I implement the plan and have success….if I fail then I’ll spare you…and me.☺
Still gainfully employed, not anywhere close to fulltime but my body wouldn’t be able to handle it at this point…nor my head….today I began feeling feverish, I was not my most coherent and my temper had to be kept in check….stupid people usually don’t faze me but when I’m in pain I tend to get cranky and stupid people set me off….I can’t elaborate because I’ve learned this isn’t the place to air things….still haven’t created my safe haven…though I do have “friends” who offer their ears, shoulders and whatnot to me…I just can’t go there….not ready to trust anyone.
I’m hoping that tomorrow I will feel better and I can treat the boys to either a meal out or maybe even a movie…they are off from school for a couple of weeks. I will enjoy the time spent with them, just wish my oldest could visit, but not this year….funny how life is, I wish them all grown up and out of here but then I know when the last two leave I will be so lost without them. My two youngest already have their plans in place for when the time comes for them to leave the nest….they are growing up too fast….sheesh…I need to quit here….I’m missing them and they haven’t even left. Must be the pain and the meds having me all melancholic and whatnot.
When you try as hard as you can, to do what you think is right and all you get is that same old cold shoulder, when you do all you can and all that’s left is to give it up all you can do is turn it loose.
Such a convoluted thought, then again I’m currently medicated so everything coming out of my head is jumbled up. Took two Norco’s, Doxepin, and Mobic, pain pills, sleeping pill and a muscle relaxer. I’m hoping something works, it’s got to. Actually part of my face is feeling numb, that’s a good sign right? Maybe the rest of me gets to feeling numb soon. My fingers aren’t working all that great, I keep having to correct typo’s, so if I miss any blame the drugs….pain or lack of sleep, or blame it on all…I know how to spell, but I’m feeling a bit dyslexic and dexterically challenged…and yes, I think I just sorta made up that word….but it derived from dexterity, so there…blow me.
So anyways, this whole financial situation I’m in has led me down a dark path…I’ve signed on to do something that I never thought I would do…it isn’t illegal so I will be able to sleep at night, (ha, insert crazed laughter here, that will only happen if the meds kick in) but I do have kids to feed and shelter, tough times, tough choices….but in the end I’ll have a story to tell…that’s if I don’t end up dead before I can tell the story.
Nothing takes the place of __________(fill in the blank) I feel the __________, without _________nothing is the same. Oh my _________, I am so ____________because nothing takes the place of ______________.
I missed boy # 3’s parade today, tomorrow he has another event he will participate in, I don’t know if I’ll make it to that, due to aforementioned dark path.
I’m experiencing dry mouth, if only I had some wet stuff, other than water, which I am already imbibing, then my mouth would be wetter and perhaps the meds would kick in quicker.
You know those ghosts from the past…well I had another pop into my life….it is quite strange, one day you hear from someone you tried to forget, and quite honestly I had almost forgotten said ghost….ALMOST, there were mere thoughts in passing but for the most part not even much of a blip on my radar screen. But then nothing, no follow-up. Not sure what is up with that, part of me is curious, part of me feels ghosts should stay ghosts…but I’m patient…not that I have options.
I got three new books today, well new to me, I hadn’t thought of adding to my library in a while, but I think I’m ready to see if there are readers out there ready to give up some of their books. I have a book I’ve been reading on and off for a few days. The last couple of books I’ve picked up haven’t captivated my attention…but I’m trying to finish what I start. Nothing sucks worse than reading a couple hundred pages and then giving up with only a couple hundred more pages to go…but I’ve got a few books I’ve given up midway to halfway through.
This week has been a week of old favorite shows coming back on, NCIS, Criminal Minds, Body of Proof, Hawaii Five-0, Harry’s Law and a few new shows I may check out. I haven’t watched any yet, saving them for the weekend…as that is when there is nothing good on and the boys like some of those shows and I enjoy my time with them being couch potatoes.
Well I think I’ve talked long enough to myself….maybe soon I will doze off….I can only hope………..
I always do things for myself….heck it was my bday, woothefuckhoo…another day….so now I am officially another year older…yay!!!
I had things to do…like fetch new drugs….now that is something to get excited about….right…maybe these new magical little things will make life the picture perfect daisy and green grass soft as brand new plush carpet thrill a minute ride we all dream about…you do dream about that shit don’t cha?????
So I took my happy ass….oh wait…getting ahead of myself…let’s back up a spell or two…aww….coffee…fresh brewed all I gotta do ispushthebuttonandthebrownstuffwillpumpoutthetopintothepot ….yes, that was the start to my day…well after Boy#3 came into my room wanting to rifle thru my dresser drawers…I’m half asleep at this point…cause I’m not up and haven’t had the nectar of the gods yet….so he whispers his apologies for being in my room, asks me to cover my face cause he needs to turn the light on…I’m not ready to be up so I do as he asks…wasn’t sure (or could care less) at what he was looking for (I thought he was looking for the sweet tarts I had stashed). He obviously found what he was looking for then proceeded to turn the light off and tell me “Let me be the first one to wish you a happy birthday”. He gave me a hug and he started to leave…that is when I asked him to go ahead and get my coffee going.
So anyway back to where I was before I got ahead of myself….I had my coffee….oh wait…gotta tell you this…I found Almond Joy coffee creamer…OMFG….like for serious…orgasmic…chocolate, almonds, coconut.√,√,√. Three of my loves (aside from my boys). Okay, after my coffee, I got in the shower, then after my uneventful (no falling on my ass (or face) or landscaping escapades, I got out, wrapped myself up in my big fluffy chocolate-brown towel, wrapped my hair up in another towel and went back to the living room. Yes just in towels…turned my TV on, turned my laptop on and grabbed my makeup bag….I put my face on while I watched some prerecorded reality crap and caught up with some emails….OMFG again….(sorry for the cussing) all these wonderful emails from friends and family wishing me a happy birthday….***Sigh*** I don’t do bdays….not for me anyway…not where I get excited about them….I didn’t have the foresight to make my DOB invisible on all my social networking sites….so I was madly scrambling about to try to acknowledge every individual bday wish….sheesh…too much…after the 4th or 5th I was thinking to myself…”Self…you aren’t this special…nobody ever remembers your bday, just like you don’t remember anyone’s bday” But this is the beauty of social networking…it “helps” us remember these milestones, like bdays, anniversaries, parties, etc, etc….
So anywho I exhausted myself trying to reply to all….(I’m sure I missed a few here or there). I got my face on…, by this time my hair is mostly dry, somewhat curly…good enough to where I can get away with going out without any extra hair effort….put my makeup bag away, turn off my laptop, turn off my TV and go throw my dress on…YES dress….why not….I was thinking I would be good to myself and take me out to lunch. Grab my purse, keys, shades, check doors all is secure and I take off….guess what I found out…my truck keys work on my car….I had previously checked but they didn’t work….yeah I know random….
Okay so now I’m out the door, I head out, I got things to do…which was the original title of this post before I digressed all over the place….I headed to the grocery store, where I snagged a bottle of wine for a $1.00 good shit too….it was on sale, but I was charged regular price, then in the confusion I was not charged for something else but then got charged for one more of something else, but the bottom line is I ended up paying a $1.00 for the wine…woothefuckhoo!!!
So I left the grocery store then headed to the pharmacy….where new drugs were awaiting me….yay….now normally I don’t get excited about scrips…but fuck I’ve been in so much fucking pain I’m ready to try something new…and I can’t sleep, so why not try something new for that…and I’m depressed and want to kill you before I kill myself so why not try something for that too….oh and because I have to break in my new insurance that I’m paying money out the ass for and haven’t been able to afford to use, not that I can afford it now….but WTF let’s just go all out and spend money we don’t have for my useless cripple ass….
But anywho by the time I was done with this crap I was no longer in the mood for lunch…I had a cake to bake for my beautiful bday boy and a couple of other food stuffs for his bday. So I unloaded the food stuff and drug stuff and put things away. Took a short break and then went all out and baked his cake…still in my dress…cause why not…it’s my freaking bday and I should look all hot and purty when I’m playing Suzie homemaker…but I had a major cake fail….the cake batter is somewhat heavy and I should have pounded the cake pans harder than I did to even out the batter but guess what….that shit fucking hurts…yeppers it hurt my back to try to do that….so I threw them in the oven like that and hoped for the best….and the best that I got was two uneven cakes that were high in the middle…not a wise move to stack them…but hey that was my plan…to stack them….so anyways I was doing really good, cakes were holding up pretty good, I got them all iced up and was working on finishing up the sides when the top layer starts cracking in the middle…no problem I have enough icing to fill in the crack…all done…place glass cover over glass pedestal and walk away….come back a few minutes later and my purty cake had a new crack….FUCK…this is the little shit that just makes me want to curl up in a corner and bawl like a baby. Not the fact that the cake isn’t perfect…but that it physically hurts to bake a fucking cake…btw the cake tastes awesome! Cause I did bake it with love (and drugs, but not drugs in the cake).
And I did all this for Boy # 2…cause he is the best birthday gift I ever received, and nothing I get from here on out will ever top him!
For the record I am not one of those girly girls that expect or want anything on a so-called “holiday”. In the past my kids have asked me what I want for my birthday or for Mother’s Day. I don’t want for much, certainly no material tokens deemed appropriate by the retail giants. I’m quite simplistic and practical. I am not a flower person, though I do think flowers are beautiful, I did a stint (a lifetime ago) working with flowers, exotic, expensive, beautiful flowers. I was able to take dozens of roses, gladiolas (my favorite) tulips….etc, etc.. home practically every day. I had fresh flowers daily in every room of the house. Two to three dozen roses in the bathroom, whatever was to be discarded or was leftover was free for the taking, and I took, and I made careless and creative arrangements and put fresh flowers in every nook and cranny of my little home. But fresh flowers made into pretty arrangements require care and attention, water needs to be changed, stems need to be recut. Flowers die and in their wake there is a stench that builds up if they are not discarded. I worked 14 to 16 hours a day back in those days…pretty soon the newness of fresh flowers wore off. I one day swore off of flowers, roses especially, sure they are pretty when they are bought at your local florist shop and the stems have been taken care of and the thorns are all gone. But roses undergo quite a bit of handling, roses from Columbia come in huge boxes with stems that are over 30 inches long. With thorns starting at the top and going all the way down. Someone has to get those roses ready to be picked up and bundled…and that is where the blood comes in….wow…I’m a bit off track here…lol…anywho…we worked by piecework, meaning we had to get a certain number of arrangements done to get a chip, chips were color coded by complexity of arrangement. At the end of the day chips were turned in and tallied….I was able to work with a group of women that I enjoyed, we were diligent and conscientious of our work, we got our chips and were actually pretty efficient (and then some). So anywho…it was this stint working with flowers that got me to where I lost my appreciation of the beauty of fresh flowers. So while I may appreciate a gift of flowers, my mind will naturally go to the thought that a. you paid way too much for them, b. they are already dead and will die some more 3. chocolate isn’t dead.
Wow…that up there was so off topic, not that I have a topic or anything, I am just blubbering. Back to what I was jabbering about….Mother’s Day and the propaganda that goes along with it…..for me…it isn’t a necessity. I am a mother 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. I don’t want, need or expect any platitudes…but that is not to say I don’t appreciate the little things done by my sweeties. A cup of coffee, served just the way I like, actually made just the way I like, 2 scoops, per cup of water with one sugar and 2 creams. See….very simple. I don’t want/ need cards, flowers, chocolates or any trinket emblazoned with the word mom encrusted in diamonds.
As long as I know and sense the sincerity of love and appreciation coming from my boys I am the most content and the happiest of mother’s. Boy # 3, my sweet tater pie was the first to come to me to wish me a HMD, he knows how I am but still wanted to fix breakfast for me…it was hard to allow this spoiling…I am no longer a breakfast person, just give me my coffee and I’m good. Well he gave me my coffee but he also whipped up some french toast. I did forewarn him that I would only have one piece and mine had to be the last one, and please no hurry and make it extra dark and toasted. It was actually pretty good, but I had to struggle to eat it, my appetite is not where it has been.
Boy # 1 was the second one to acknowledge me and the day, he called me and we chatted for a while. I love my first born in a different way than I do my other two. I’ve had him longer in my life and we did a lot of growing up together. He will always have a special place in my heart.
Boy # 3…..it took him quite a while to say anything…guess he must have caught something on TV or the internet that let him know what today was. No biggie. We laughed it off.
If there is one thing I know, it is that my boys love me. and they know I love them. And this Mother’s Day and every other one in the past has been a great one. I’ve felt the love, and that is what matters most.
Parenting~ I love my kids, but parenting sometimes sucks, especially taking the role of mom and dad….there’s the days when I take into account how much easier it is as a single parent than it is to battle an opposing partner. I have the luxury of calling the shots and not being undermined like so many traditional two parent households…..but then there is the downside of not having the other parent to lean on and that blows. I do want my babies to know that I love them and that if they give me reason to trust them I will give them leeway but if that is abused then all bets are off and then I have to be stern and not on their a$$ but in their a$$. They don’t want me that involved….but if I have to be then I will be….Boy # 2 wants to know if he can go to school early, like around 6:30am…uhhh…NO, not only No, but HELL NO. Oh and wants to stay after school hanging with his friends until around 5ish, again…uhhh…NO, not only No, but HELL NO. That is way too much time around possibly bad influences. I get that some parents would be okay and not think twice about it, but I’ve been a 15-year-old boy before…well not really a boy, but at the time I was a tomboy, so that is close enough. I used to get to school early and stay late…I know that it is easy to get involved in doing stupid stuff…so nope, this mommy is going to keep being an overprotective mommy.