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Archive for the ‘The Dark Room’ Category

Control

Being in control, taking control, losing control, having control, ceding control, and using control…..

My battle with control has been a long one, one I will probably never completely give up no matter the detritus to me.

My early memories of good, bad and ugly all fighting for a piece of me go way back. I was your typical good Catholic little girl, living by those Ten Commandments…fighting for control against the bad girl who wanted to break at least half (if not more) of them. But there was also the part of me ready to uphold one or two….

1.     Do not worship any other gods besides me. “lucky for you Mr. god, I don’t know any other god’s”

2.    Do not make idols of any kind. “American idol wasn’t around”

3.    Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain. “God damn it, why aren’t you watching out for me? And if you are, are you getting off on this shit?

4.    Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. “Sunday is as good as any other day to kill the bitch.”

5.    Honor your father and mother. “I’ve got a special way planned to “honor” the bitch.”

6.    Thou shalt not kill. “Oops, guess I’m breaking bad.”

7.     Thou shalt not commit adultery. “scratch”

8.     Thou shalt not steal. “…maybe not steal, but at least borrow a shiny sharp murderous object, which may or not be used, a good piece of fallen tree may work just as well…or poison…”

9.     Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. “They know nothing…”

10.   Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house. “of course not, no use for it….I’m just 12 years old”

Growing up in an abusive environment with no control, and then graduating to an endless stream of relationships with one controlling person after another…whether these were friendships, family relationships or other relationships, for me control of one type or another was always there.

I realize now that a big part of me is still fighting those demons and even if I can now keep them at bay (under control) they will never completely leave me…and that is completely okay with me. These demons are a big part of me…

Somewhere along the way I managed to suppress (control) the urge to completely go off the deep end. Last night I lay awake vividly remembering all the plotting I had started before I was even ten years old. By then I already had hundreds of true crime books under my belt. I was convinced I could commit the perfect crime and get away with it.

When I was older and had hundreds more crime books under my belt, the plotting turned into something else….basically I ceded control….and I lost me. But I still had dreams of deaths, yes deaths with an “s”….

So where am I today? I am a peace loving, very vanilla, in control (ha) SAHM.

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That’s how I spent my night…nothing to do but toss and turn and deal with a flood of emotions I wish would not intrude. I found myself reading instead of trying to sleep and as I turned the pages reading the words that gave the character her history I found that the words were touching me and felt that my life was in those pages.

It is unsettling that a seemingly simple question can open up so many wounds…a part of my heart that should have died off and healed is once again exposed, wounds are raw and fresh and bleeding.

I feel unhinged and know that any progress I had made is going to lead me down a new path of destruction…I can picture myself going through the motions, I want to tap into the excess of substances that will allow me to go away and retreat into a world of mind numbing forgetfulness.

I am off~

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This lack of sleep business is just for the dogs…I am so mentally dead, I keep  thinking eventually I’ll read myself to sleep…but it hasn’t happened…instead I find myself breezing through hundreds of pages, book after book, when I get tired of reading a book, I put it down and move on to a magazine, or will give my fingers and hands a break from holding a book and paging thru it. I get online and breeze thru the same familiar places….

Yesterday was not a good day, I popped pain pills every 2-3 hours, not smart…I know, but the pain was too caustic…I’m still hurting but today I can’t seem to swallow any pills, I tried, my throat shuts down and I can’t get it down….

Yes today is a day to contemplate a shortened shelf life. There is no way I want to be around for another 20 years in this condition, heck even the though of a few tomorrows like this makes me go into my dark place.

Whahhhhh

whine over…off to bed….again…wish me luck with that shit called sleep….

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It came in a wave…the heart pounding fear…out of nowhere…I hate fear. I have no use for it, much like the male species, it came and wreaked havoc, uninvited, unwanted….leaving me a breathless mess. Crazy.

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Antsy part 2~

So I am in bed, tossing, turning, wishing desperately for sleep, it ain’t happening.

Took another pain pill…my third one I think, maybe forth, I only have  2 left.

We have the AC blasting, radio on, lights on, laptop on…neither of us can sleep.

I wish I was home, in my own bed, with my fans, my pillows, my covers…this is insanity, pain will do that to you…if it isn’t annoying pain, it’s homicidal/suicidal pain…those are my constant 3 pain levels.

pain level ~1

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Amalgamation is the process of combining or uniting entities into one form.

Mr. EX

…coming soon~

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