I took off for the weekend to one of my favorite places to spend time with some of my favorite people and while it was a nice visit I am still paying for it…I left right after work, made pretty good time, arrived at my destination, unloaded my car and then took off to check out a thrift store a few miles down the road, I piddled around and returned….after a while I made it out again to join my brother in picking up a few provisions for the weekend. We did the usual, visit, share laughter and then made it to bed….then HOLY FUCK…I woke up in so much pain, when I did make it downstairs it was quite apparent to the family as to how bad it was…I wanted to come back home, I didn’t want them to see me like that…I simply did not have the strength to get back home. Saturday I didn’t even step out the door…much of it is a blur due to the energy I expended in trying to function…I am still expending that energy to get by. I hate it. FML doesn’t even cover it. This week is closer to the weekend, yay….my weekend will be more recovery…I think of my friends who have it so much worse and can’t even get out of bed…I don’t want to be the whiney, bitchy old bitter lady I am becoming…there is a way out with dignity, the time will come to explore those options. Pity party over.
Being in control, taking control, losing control, having control, ceding control, and using control…..
My battle with control has been a long one, one I will probably never completely give up no matter the detritus to me.
My early memories of good, bad and ugly all fighting for a piece of me go way back. I was your typical good Catholic little girl, living by those Ten Commandments…fighting for control against the bad girl who wanted to break at least half (if not more) of them. But there was also the part of me ready to uphold one or two….
1. Do not worship any other gods besides me. “lucky for you Mr. god, I don’t know any other god’s”
2. Do not make idols of any kind. “American idol wasn’t around”
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain. “God damn it, why aren’t you watching out for me? And if you are, are you getting off on this shit?
4. Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. “Sunday is as good as any other day to kill the bitch.”
5. Honor your father and mother. “I’ve got a special way planned to “honor” the bitch.”
6. Thou shalt not kill. “Oops, guess I’m breaking bad.”
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. “scratch”
8. Thou shalt not steal. “…maybe not steal, but at least borrow a shiny sharp murderous object, which may or not be used, a good piece of fallen tree may work just as well…or poison…”
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. “They know nothing…”
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house. “of course not, no use for it….I’m just 12 years old”
Growing up in an abusive environment with no control, and then graduating to an endless stream of relationships with one controlling person after another…whether these were friendships, family relationships or other relationships, for me control of one type or another was always there.
I realize now that a big part of me is still fighting those demons and even if I can now keep them at bay (under control) they will never completely leave me…and that is completely okay with me. These demons are a big part of me…
Somewhere along the way I managed to suppress (control) the urge to completely go off the deep end. Last night I lay awake vividly remembering all the plotting I had started before I was even ten years old. By then I already had hundreds of true crime books under my belt. I was convinced I could commit the perfect crime and get away with it.
When I was older and had hundreds more crime books under my belt, the plotting turned into something else….basically I ceded control….and I lost me. But I still had dreams of deaths, yes deaths with an “s”….
So where am I today? I am a peace loving, very vanilla, in control (ha) SAHM.
That’s how I spent my night…nothing to do but toss and turn and deal with a flood of emotions I wish would not intrude. I found myself reading instead of trying to sleep and as I turned the pages reading the words that gave the character her history I found that the words were touching me and felt that my life was in those pages.
It is unsettling that a seemingly simple question can open up so many wounds…a part of my heart that should have died off and healed is once again exposed, wounds are raw and fresh and bleeding.
I feel unhinged and know that any progress I had made is going to lead me down a new path of destruction…I can picture myself going through the motions, I want to tap into the excess of substances that will allow me to go away and retreat into a world of mind numbing forgetfulness.
I am off~
This lack of sleep business is just for the dogs…I am so mentally dead, I keep thinking eventually I’ll read myself to sleep…but it hasn’t happened…instead I find myself breezing through hundreds of pages, book after book, when I get tired of reading a book, I put it down and move on to a magazine, or will give my fingers and hands a break from holding a book and paging thru it. I get online and breeze thru the same familiar places….
Yesterday was not a good day, I popped pain pills every 2-3 hours, not smart…I know, but the pain was too caustic…I’m still hurting but today I can’t seem to swallow any pills, I tried, my throat shuts down and I can’t get it down….
Yes today is a day to contemplate a shortened shelf life. There is no way I want to be around for another 20 years in this condition, heck even the though of a few tomorrows like this makes me go into my dark place.
whine over…off to bed….again…wish me luck with that shit called sleep….
Took another pain pill…my third one I think, maybe forth, I only have 2 left.
We have the AC blasting, radio on, lights on, laptop on…neither of us can sleep.
I wish I was home, in my own bed, with my fans, my pillows, my covers…this is insanity, pain will do that to you…if it isn’t annoying pain, it’s homicidal/suicidal pain…those are my constant 3 pain levels.
I was trying to sleep, didn’t happen…so I got out of bed and picked up a book, read about 250 pages and tried for sleep again, nope, didn’t happen. Again I rolled out of bed and picked up the book and finished the last 200 pages and thought to myself, “self, try again”. so I went back to bed once again to try for some sleep. Didn’t work, shuffled over to my bookcase and selected another book and read about 197 pages and thought to myself, “self, try again”….and again sleep eludes me. But my eyes are tired of reading and my left hand got tired of holding a book as my right hand was used to furiously page through it. I finally decided to forgo the thought of sleep and shuffled back into the kitchen and got my pot of coffee going, I moved things around the counter as my one cup brewed, and when it was done brewing I poured the hot steaming substance into my cup, which incidentally has a new bigger chip on the rim. It is still a keeper. I won’t rid myself of it anytime soon…unless I rip my lip off…even then I may still keep it, it is part of a set….
I’ve received a few emails expressing concern as to where I’ve been and my neglected blog. The answer is quite complicated. I’ve been to some dark places and visited dark souls and have had more darkness deposited on me than I had to begin with. But ever the trooper that I am, I embrace the darkness and make it a part of who I will one day be. I am well, I have been better and the discovery of this long dark and lonely road I am on will either make me or break me. I highly suspect it will make me…not quite sure if that’s good or bad…and what the outcome will be.
I am off to read through the many emails that I have, reply to family as they take priority and if I manage to get some sleep later on I will tackle returning phone calls.
Thank you all for your care and concern, if indeed you care and were concerned, if you are here just reading to read between the lines and see things that aren’t really what you think they are, I thank you as well.