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Archive for the ‘Shit/Stuff=Shtuff’ Category

So it occurs to me that perhaps I would be best served by helping myself….so I must rethink the idea of taking in a tenant…in the main house….in order for that to occur I must make changes to make my bedroom a sanctuary, a TV room and a dining room. I cringe at the thought of such a drastic change, I have entertained the idea of perhaps taking on a second job….but I don’t think my body would be open to that happening…

I don’t know how I feel about a female roommate…so that leaves a male roommate….but it must be someone I am going to be platonically compatible with….this person cannot in any way shape or form hold any attraction to females, more specifically to me. I am not interested in “that” type of a roommate….just looking to lessen the financial burden of this too-big-for-me house.

roomy

So yeah…must do research on how best to word an ad, how best to conduct an interview to determine compatibility…or maybe play the lottery…

It appears that I am going in for more therapy and tackling the backyard again….

TTFN

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Crucially important for me to take this time to be pensive with the floaters in my head…so much going on, not interested in a sit down with anyone, I do my best at resolutions when I play my own devil’s  advocate. I’ll be doing a lot of reading to shut the voices down when I get tired of hearing myself..

Here’s me talking to myself…I may be doing some of that as well….no telling…I just don’t feel like people-ing for a while…of course those eight hours on the clock are not included…nor is the time with my precious baby…

so tata for now

shh

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Guilty….yup I’m guilty…and have no problem facing up to it….hypocrisy…in particular doing things I tell others…(namely my children) not to do.

More on hypocrisy….things that peeve me:
The pretense of having a high moral standing…throwing rocks from a glass house…please worry about you and yours before you worry about me and mine…I’ve always maintained “if you aren’t paying my bills you have no say in what I do or don’t do” I find it laughable how you might smirk or comment about me indulging in an adult beverage, or two..or ten….you may not personally imbibe but you have certainly stood by while your own got stupid wasted…and what? No comment about your precious babes….

I’ve faced criticism over failed relationships…but I’d of made myself a bigger hypocrite living a lie if I’d’ve stayed with the pretense that all was well….I know back in the day it was something that was routinely done…suck it up cupcake was the mantra..heck I tried that…I just couldn’t live with myself and keep up the facade of living the happily ever fantasy…

I am very much related to those whose contrivance of false appearances of virtue or goodness does not go unnoticed. I shoot from the hip as much as I shoot from the lip….gets me in trouble but I have a hard time keeping it to myself…namely to keep the peace….I mean I keep quiet as long as possible…have done it for years…nothing wrong with being harmonious…

Aww…the hypocrites…you know them..most of us parents are guilty…we make our kids follow rules we ourselves don’t follow…this enrages our kids, I know mine have called me out on it..so yeah I plead guilty. Insincerity by virtue of pretending to have qualities or beliefs that are above reproach…but I see your sanctimoniousness, smarminess, falseness, hollowness….all you do is give lip service…guess what…I see you, the real you…and guess what else…everyone else sees you too…and they hear you….just as they see me and hear me…

What we do speaks a lot louder than what we actually say…so while I may call others on their hypocrisy I also have no issue admitting to my own faults….it’s my own special brand of tit for tat….this is the beginning of many changes for whats left of my life….I’ve been cut off and out…and I certainly intend to do the same…out with the old…old shoes with too high of a heel I can’t wear, too tight pants my fat ass can’t fit….clothes too young for my saggy granny parts….the list goes on and on…gosh darn…who knew taking stock would yield such a pile of things that need to go….and how about unequally passing judgement….some of us get the maliciousness of your tongue…while someone else doing a whole lot worse gets kudos….

And for this, my pretties that might read this…if you see yourself here…that is pure awesomeness….if you can cop to it..even better…if you think it’s about you…it just might be…it’s not about one particular person or another…it’s an amalgamation of you, me and Dupree….cause yeah I am a hypocrite…not proud of it, but it’s not all I am…just a small shady part of the whole….I’m also a whole lot of awesomeness wrapped in fat and dipped in gravy.

So I’m off (temporarily) my soapbox….

Feels good to get things off my chest…aside from that too damn tight bra…

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My time in this place I have called home for the last 17+ years is coming up….I feel like I’m done here, I have a strong desire to just be gone…I have until the end of next year. I want my youngest to not have the trauma of being uprooted his last year. But I have found it difficult to shop for a home in another city via the internet…just doing it here locally sucks…photos can be manipulated to give the impression that it is a good neighborhood, street views, interior and exterior shots….sigh….so I have made a decision that has sucked the life out of me and sent me into a depressive state. I’ve decided to stay. I have things to consider like logistics and expenses….due to my physical limitations I can’t have certain things…stairs, big yards…which I don’t need. I just need a small space. I am already slowly packing stuff up…taking pictures off the wall. Packing up dishes and thinking of just giving everything away….I hate moving, I hate asking people to help…even if those people are my own kids. I hate not having the physical strength to do it on my own. I don’t need a lot of the things I have accumulated over the years….my biggest collections that mean anything are my books and clothes….and of course all the photos of the kids and a few keepsakes….but that is still a lot of crap. I’ve been dismantling my library….giving books away as soon as I am done….I’ll be using towels to keep breakables from breaking….my son is bringing me boxes so I can start….small boxes that I can manage…by the end I’ll probably have 20,000+ boxes….but they’ll be manageable….but I’ll be trying to sell 2 dining tables, sofa, loveseat, bookcases….and I’m sure a ton of other crap. This next chapter of my life will be just me….there have been some relationships with family that will never be recovered and while sad I also realize that I’m better off without the negativity…I have my own negativity to deal with…don’t need anyone else’s…wah…I’m off to have me a pity party….

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Control

Being in control, taking control, losing control, having control, ceding control, and using control…..

My battle with control has been a long one, one I will probably never completely give up no matter the detritus to me.

My early memories of good, bad and ugly all fighting for a piece of me go way back. I was your typical good Catholic little girl, living by those Ten Commandments…fighting for control against the bad girl who wanted to break at least half (if not more) of them. But there was also the part of me ready to uphold one or two….

1.     Do not worship any other gods besides me. “lucky for you Mr. god, I don’t know any other god’s”

2.    Do not make idols of any kind. “American idol wasn’t around”

3.    Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain. “God damn it, why aren’t you watching out for me? And if you are, are you getting off on this shit?

4.    Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. “Sunday is as good as any other day to kill the bitch.”

5.    Honor your father and mother. “I’ve got a special way planned to “honor” the bitch.”

6.    Thou shalt not kill. “Oops, guess I’m breaking bad.”

7.     Thou shalt not commit adultery. “scratch”

8.     Thou shalt not steal. “…maybe not steal, but at least borrow a shiny sharp murderous object, which may or not be used, a good piece of fallen tree may work just as well…or poison…”

9.     Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. “They know nothing…”

10.   Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house. “of course not, no use for it….I’m just 12 years old”

Growing up in an abusive environment with no control, and then graduating to an endless stream of relationships with one controlling person after another…whether these were friendships, family relationships or other relationships, for me control of one type or another was always there.

I realize now that a big part of me is still fighting those demons and even if I can now keep them at bay (under control) they will never completely leave me…and that is completely okay with me. These demons are a big part of me…

Somewhere along the way I managed to suppress (control) the urge to completely go off the deep end. Last night I lay awake vividly remembering all the plotting I had started before I was even ten years old. By then I already had hundreds of true crime books under my belt. I was convinced I could commit the perfect crime and get away with it.

When I was older and had hundreds more crime books under my belt, the plotting turned into something else….basically I ceded control….and I lost me. But I still had dreams of deaths, yes deaths with an “s”….

So where am I today? I am a peace loving, very vanilla, in control (ha) SAHM.

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These may not make sense to anyone but me, and that’s okay.

One door opens and sadness walks in, with an ending. Sadness tripped and split its pants. Well no that didn’t happen anywhere but in my head. ☺

When no one believes you even if everything you say is the truth, hurt a little, cry a little and let the choice be theirs.

Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser and you don’t realize until later that it’s because it fucked you.

Some people have this amazing ability in life, the ability to still care for people they shouldn’t give a damn about, people they have every right to hate because of all the shit they have put them through. I am not one of those people and I hate that about me, even though I hate Hate.

Deception is harmful to relationships, this I know and have been guilty of, try as I might I still fall into my own machinations…but this isn’t about me, even though the exact same thing was done to me. It pains me to know that someone I love dearly has gone through this, a fake attempt to entrap this person was perpetuated and all I can say is that trying to lay a trap for someone you love is sucky and devious in its own way. What does that say about the person going through extremes, if there is no trust, there is nothing.

If there is no trust there is nothing.

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Fracaso Epico

Three years ago today began the journey of much sorrow and pain and lots of hurts, hurts hurled by me and to me, not an entirely mutual decision but at the same time I didn’t voice my refusal to go through what was a given. I am filled with many regrets but hindsight being what it is and whatnot…well as I am fond of saying it is what it is and a new one I’ll be annoyingly using is I am what I am. Most decidedly a Fracaso Epico, yes I’ve used this one before…Epic Fail. I have learned much about forgiveness, forgiveness comes in many levels, superficial forgiveness meant to mollify the wrongdoer, I’ve been guilty myself of saying to someone I forgive you for “this” or “that” but it hasn’t been true forgiveness and whatever the relationship is with that person, that relationship will continue to languish. I will forever and a day carry in my heart remorse for my part in the hurts I caused, unfortunately life doesn’t allow for do-overs. Sadly the aggrieved party is unable to believe in me or trust that I am sincerely contrite, but my actions are my continued downfall. I am a victim of my own inanity, repeatedly I foolishly do things that to me appear to be good but have the opposite effect. My own catch 22 if you will. I have this habit of not only putting my foot in my mouth but I exceed in the talent of gagging myself with my foot, knee and thigh. I’ve grown quite weary of myself, there are the days where I just sit and ponder the meaning of all “this”. What am I here for? Quite honestly I can say that if I didn’t have my boys to look after I wouldn’t be here.  There is nothing worse than facing yourself day after day in a mirror and see a revolting reflection looking back at you. I found myself trying to talk to an invisible and failing entity known to others as “God” I got nothing back, that hasn’t changed. As a child when I was prone to believing in “God”, the Easter Bunny and Santa, I quickly learned the disillusionment that comes from the allegorical contributions by the adults around me. I guess it is tradition that keeps these entities thriving.

In other news I am happy to report that I have been getting some much-needed sleep, I have been eating pain pills with sleeping pills as a chaser…pro’s and cons in no particular order….sleep, additional pain during waking hours, horrid dry mouth, mental anguish, suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts…hmmm…seems the cons always supersede the pros. I wish I could get the timing right, like what would be a good time to take these damn pills so that I could go to sleep at a decent hour and not spend 3 to 5 hours trying to read myself to sleep, then sleeping until mid morning or early afternoon. But then again what else do I have to do…oh here’s another pro…once asleep my body adjusts to the scorching indoor high temperature (97°) and I am able to sleep without getting all sweaty…I wish my body had that awesome power during the daytime hours when it gets as high as 100°. Totally sucktastic. Oh and here’s yet another pro…water I have increased the H2O intake, con I am unable to lift the 5 gallon water jugs…which I used to be able to do before and trust me I have thought about going solo to water filling place to refill my jugs and fucking up my back even more. I HATE having to bug anyone else to do that for me, but there is no way I am going to drink tap water. So yes Virginia I will have to suck it up and ask for help…unless I am in a pissy mood then I’ll go fuck myself while I do it just because I am stupidly stubborn and INDEPENDENT. Did you know being independent can suck big fat purple monkey balls? Well did ya? Well if you didn’t know, I am here to tell you that it does…and boy has that been a curse for me…hmmm…I just had an ephiphany…I am a curse unto myself.

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