So early this morning I get a call from the doctors office…can I come back? They have it in their notes that I work overnight and prefer early appointments, they have an 8 am opening, can I make it? Well let me juggle some balls….yup, managed to get someone to come in early and I go back to the imaging lab…for a biopsy, nothing like rushing around and not having time to think about the procedure, I didn’t even ask what type or anything…thankfully no sedation required, FNA Biopsy (Fine Needle Aspiration) Just a Band-Aid and some mild to moderate discomfort…what a trooper I am….seriously…should have results later today or tomorrow, I am good waiting until tomorrow, too much going on today to think about waiting on THAT call…and I am off, this was my morning break, have to head back out…so glad my Friday is tonight.
Feeling anxious, frustratingly I cannot put my finger on what is bugging me…I don’t stress about work, or my kids, I have the everyday mom worries about my babies, but I know they are well…I started a new book last night, I tried reading today…my mind refuses to track, so I end p reading the same thing over and over and all I see is words jumbled, so forget reading…I have been up since about 10pm last night…went to work, and came home…no nap, no baby girl…have a holiday weekend coming up and my shift covered for Friday and I can’t even come up with any getaway ideas…I think I will give my book another good try and if that doesn’t work I will grab a different book….not feeling sleepy and too late to try to take anything to help me sleep…sigh….I think this is enough blabbering for today….
Took a few minutes from the crazy that usually goes on working the day shift to speak to three of our clients, names are drawn at random and we have an informal question and answer…(Questions/exercises are provided by our in house counselor)
Q. When/how did you have your aha moment? A. I should’ve known better. He always kept close tabs on me. He hated when I accused him of spying on me, so I just let him snoop. Jane Doe # 1. age 27 victim of emotional abuse and stalking.
Q. How/when did it start? A. It begins like a little drip you don’t even notice — an off-hand remark that is “just a joke.” I’m told I’m too sensitive and the remark was no big deal. It seems so small and insignificant at the time. I probably am a little too sensitive, but I didn’t start out being so sensitive, now everything is a trigger. Jane Doe # 2. Age 45, victim of emotional and psychological abuse.
Q. What are your thoughts on PTSD in relation to victims of domestic abuse?
A. Although I initially thought PTSD was a bit extreme, it’s been almost three years and certain noises or situations still trigger difficult memories for me. Jane Doe # 3. Age 32 victim of physical, mental, emotional, verbal abuse and stalking.
Miscommunication…lately it seems to be the basis of my life. truths, untruths, my morning was epically phucked…I had a sleepless night (thank you insomnia) I fasted for an appointment to get lab work done, I made it a point to be there before the clinic opened, I was the third one in…and the first one out…somehow they phucked up and I didn’t show up on their system, even though on my end I had confirmation…le sigh…so I came home and made some follow up phone calls and admittedly got somewhat testy…(I was hangry and still fasting)…they gave me the option of doing the lab work early tomorrow morning and DR visit in the early afternoon…nope…I was not about to do another fast, especially overnight and insomnia likely to happen again…so I got busy emptying every drawer and doing some refolding and purging as I waited for a call back with an okay to get the lab work done…the testiness worked in my favor (by testy I mean somewhat bitchy…why lie)…just super frustrating when they have access to my medical records, last visit, etc…yet they can’t get it together…and just now I had to call to re-confirm my appointment for tomorrow as they sent me 2 messages with different appointment times…fingers crossed that they don’t phuck it up between now and tomorrow afternoon…
When does no mean yes? How much push should you push when you push back?
Anywho, had a pleasant day with my little one, she continues to astound me with her intelligence, her insight, her sense of humor…just everything about her I love…except the whining….I don’t like that.
Spoke to all three of my boys, collectively as well as individually…except my number 3…it was short and sweet there…my heart hurts, my head hurts…like my brain hurts….so much said, so much not said…demons…we all have them…we can’t all slay them on our own…I wish I could slay others demons…sigh…I am all random here, so much going on in my head…I don’t expect anything up above to make sense to anyone…if I was having an actual conversation with anyone it really would sound like what is in print….best to keep shit to myself…hmm…should just go grab some ice cold water and read myself to sleep…night….good thing about tomorrows…a chance to have a fresh start or screw shit up…
Or at least I do, I know I am alive, I know I am stupid, I know I have limitations, I know I exceeded the limitations, I know I can still do stupid stuff and more importantly I just know I Cantu (can too).
I decided to do some yard work, which I wholeheartedly enjoy…unfortunately my back is not so fond of my lack of better judgement…I’ll start feeling the tightness, the messages sent to my brain, but something in me refuses to quit…I keep pushing and pushing…and here we are days later and still hurting (a lot) but also I am waiting for the pain to ease up so I can get back to it…yes, I could easily engage in getting help…but that would be depriving myself of such a simple joy…minus the fucking calluses. Those I don’t like, but I have manly rough hands, nothing sissy about my hands…nothing sissy about me at all…
And on to other things…my brain has been foggier, more so than what has become the norm….could be the drugs, could be the lack of activity (mental) I have been having a hard time getting into finishing a book I just started…granted when I am in pain I just cannot concentrate…so I pick the book up and keep reading the same 2-3 pages and putting it back down…I know, this too shall pass…like a kidney stone or stuck compacted turd.
And another thing I really do think I should get back to writing, like seriously my brain needs the self stimulation that only I can provide for it.
And that’s all I have for now.
I took off for the weekend to one of my favorite places to spend time with some of my favorite people and while it was a nice visit I am still paying for it…I left right after work, made pretty good time, arrived at my destination, unloaded my car and then took off to check out a thrift store a few miles down the road, I piddled around and returned….after a while I made it out again to join my brother in picking up a few provisions for the weekend. We did the usual, visit, share laughter and then made it to bed….then HOLY FUCK…I woke up in so much pain, when I did make it downstairs it was quite apparent to the family as to how bad it was…I wanted to come back home, I didn’t want them to see me like that…I simply did not have the strength to get back home. Saturday I didn’t even step out the door…much of it is a blur due to the energy I expended in trying to function…I am still expending that energy to get by. I hate it. FML doesn’t even cover it. This week is closer to the weekend, yay….my weekend will be more recovery…I think of my friends who have it so much worse and can’t even get out of bed…I don’t want to be the whiney, bitchy old bitter lady I am becoming…there is a way out with dignity, the time will come to explore those options. Pity party over.
I just had the worst panic attack I’ve had in quite a while, I had to rush the insurance adjuster out of my house so I could have my melt down in private…even though he saw what was happening…I am trying to settle my nerves, get the shaking under control as well as my breathing…I hate admitting to myself that I am weak and that I can’t always take care of things that need to be taken care of…this whole insurance roof repair thing is a good case in point….nothing he said registered and the more he tried (gently) to explain the worse it got for me….I almost feel like it would be easier to just sell my house and move into an apartment and not have to deal….an option I am seriously considering…how can I get myself back on track, am I doomed to just being a failure…weak, incompetent, just plain stupid…sheesh…I just can’t deal with this crap…and no platitudes will help, no gentle hugs, nothing will soothe me…times like these I wish I had my daddy….then I could hate myself even more for that…sheesh…if screaming would help I would indulge myself…or eating myself into a coma, or drinking myself into a stupor…okay, I gotta wrap up this pity party and go back to pretending everything is just fine… Fuck, fuck, fuck…
Son muchos los dichos que se pueden aplicar en mi situacion presente..
Mejor sola que mal acompañada…
El que calla otorga…que por seguro no lo vuelvo a repitir…puede que no hable pero no piense otorgar ningun abuso mas