Archive for the ‘Shit/Stuff=Shtuff’ Category

I just had the worst panic attack I’ve had in quite a while, I had to rush the insurance adjuster out of my house so I could have my melt down in private…even though he saw what was happening…I am trying to settle my nerves, get the shaking under control as well as my breathing…I hate admitting to myself that I am weak and that I can’t always take care of things that need to be taken care of…this whole insurance roof repair thing is a good case in point….nothing he said registered and the more he tried (gently) to explain the worse it got for me….I almost feel like it would be easier to just sell my house and move into an apartment and not have to deal….an option I am seriously considering…how can I get myself back on track, am I doomed to just being a failure…weak, incompetent, just plain stupid…sheesh…I just can’t deal with this crap…and no platitudes will help, no gentle hugs, nothing will soothe me…times like these I wish I had my daddy….then I could hate myself even more for that…sheesh…if screaming would help I would indulge myself…or eating myself into a coma, or drinking myself into a stupor…okay, I gotta wrap up this pity party and go back to pretending everything is just fine… Fuck, fuck, fuck…keep-calm-and-fuck-it-all-12



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Son muchos los dichos que se pueden aplicar en mi situacion presente..

Mejor sola que mal acompañada…

El que calla otorga…que por seguro no lo vuelvo a repitir…puede que no hable pero no piense otorgar ningun abuso mas

La privacidad no es algo a lo que tengo derecho, es un prerrequisito absoluto….se ha violado la confianza…puede que nunca se recupere…no voy a defenderme por tu intromisión, si viste algo que no estaba destinado para ti, demasiado mal, nada de lo que puedas decir reparará el daño, puedo perdonar pero no olvidar…
Y sí, esto es para ti, demasiado mentalmente agotada para verbalizar este discurso
Esto no significa que quiero que la amistad/relación termine, pero si cambia la dinámica…


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I can’t move….I hate this, so minimal movement until this subsides, I have medicated myself and placed myself in a position where everything I might need is within reach….except the pot. not the smoking kind, but the one you piss in…maybe if I had the other….hmmm…when will this end…and what the fuck is the point, I don’t even have the energy for an internal debate…I just want to crawl in a corner and die…but fuck I can’t even crawl…sucks to be me…and that there concludes my pity party.

I’ve pending research to tend to…and then shuffle my ass to bed where I hope to pass out until I go to work.


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So just last week I was all excited because I made the adult decision to refinance my house…over the phone and fresh off an overnight shift. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

I am quite capable in many aspects of my life, but I can get overwhelmed with certain things, I had been putting off the paperwork and decided to tackle it this morning, 5 pages in and my anxiety shot up like a motherfucker. I just can’t. So now I need to send an email to whoever was to be holding my hand virtually through this process and say never mind and please don’t contact me because I will have a heart attack. I don’t understand why this happens, same with my retirement account…you’d think I’d be open to taking care of this shit but I can’t. I’d rather be shot between the eyes and avoid the anxiety.

I’m working through this by writing about it. I know I have a non refundable fee to pay for initializing this process….and I’m okay with that…just make it all go away. so I remain stuck and frustrated and pissed off at myself and actually I am now in tears because my anxiety is just going up….why does adulting have to suck? I shoulda been born a princess and not have to worry about this shit.

I am retreating, I just can’t, writing is not helping, well, it did help some but I’m giving myself an ulcer. Wah

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid….


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So it occurs to me that perhaps I would be best served by helping myself….so I must rethink the idea of taking in a tenant…in the main house….in order for that to occur I must make changes to make my bedroom a sanctuary, a TV room and a dining room. I cringe at the thought of such a drastic change, I have entertained the idea of perhaps taking on a second job….but I don’t think my body would be open to that happening…

I don’t know how I feel about a female roommate…so that leaves a male roommate….but it must be someone I am going to be platonically compatible with….this person cannot in any way shape or form hold any attraction to females, more specifically to me. I am not interested in “that” type of a roommate….just looking to lessen the financial burden of this too-big-for-me house.


So yeah…must do research on how best to word an ad, how best to conduct an interview to determine compatibility…or maybe play the lottery…

It appears that I am going in for more therapy and tackling the backyard again….


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Crucially important for me to take this time to be pensive with the floaters in my head…so much going on, not interested in a sit down with anyone, I do my best at resolutions when I play my own devil’s  advocate. I’ll be doing a lot of reading to shut the voices down when I get tired of hearing myself..

Here’s me talking to myself…I may be doing some of that as well….no telling…I just don’t feel like people-ing for a while…of course those eight hours on the clock are not included…nor is the time with my precious baby…

so tata for now


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Guilty….yup I’m guilty…and have no problem facing up to it….hypocrisy…in particular doing things I tell others…(namely my children) not to do.

More on hypocrisy….things that peeve me:
The pretense of having a high moral standing…throwing rocks from a glass house…please worry about you and yours before you worry about me and mine…I’ve always maintained “if you aren’t paying my bills you have no say in what I do or don’t do” I find it laughable how you might smirk or comment about me indulging in an adult beverage, or two..or ten….you may not personally imbibe but you have certainly stood by while your own got stupid wasted…and what? No comment about your precious babes….

I’ve faced criticism over failed relationships…but I’d of made myself a bigger hypocrite living a lie if I’d’ve stayed with the pretense that all was well….I know back in the day it was something that was routinely done…suck it up cupcake was the mantra..heck I tried that…I just couldn’t live with myself and keep up the facade of living the happily ever fantasy…

I am very much related to those whose contrivance of false appearances of virtue or goodness does not go unnoticed. I shoot from the hip as much as I shoot from the lip….gets me in trouble but I have a hard time keeping it to myself…namely to keep the peace….I mean I keep quiet as long as possible…have done it for years…nothing wrong with being harmonious…

Aww…the hypocrites…you know them..most of us parents are guilty…we make our kids follow rules we ourselves don’t follow…this enrages our kids, I know mine have called me out on it..so yeah I plead guilty. Insincerity by virtue of pretending to have qualities or beliefs that are above reproach…but I see your sanctimoniousness, smarminess, falseness, hollowness….all you do is give lip service…guess what…I see you, the real you…and guess what else…everyone else sees you too…and they hear you….just as they see me and hear me…

What we do speaks a lot louder than what we actually say…so while I may call others on their hypocrisy I also have no issue admitting to my own faults….it’s my own special brand of tit for tat….this is the beginning of many changes for whats left of my life….I’ve been cut off and out…and I certainly intend to do the same…out with the old…old shoes with too high of a heel I can’t wear, too tight pants my fat ass can’t fit….clothes too young for my saggy granny parts….the list goes on and on…gosh darn…who knew taking stock would yield such a pile of things that need to go….and how about unequally passing judgement….some of us get the maliciousness of your tongue…while someone else doing a whole lot worse gets kudos….

And for this, my pretties that might read this…if you see yourself here…that is pure awesomeness….if you can cop to it..even better…if you think it’s about you…it just might be…it’s not about one particular person or another…it’s an amalgamation of you, me and Dupree….cause yeah I am a hypocrite…not proud of it, but it’s not all I am…just a small shady part of the whole….I’m also a whole lot of awesomeness wrapped in fat and dipped in gravy.

So I’m off (temporarily) my soapbox….

Feels good to get things off my chest…aside from that too damn tight bra…

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