Eternally Pessimistic…

Earlier this month I had the girls looked at and squished…you know just a basic screening, Monday I had a call back to go back for a second mammo…now we are at the diagnostic stage, as I was leaving I was called back for an ultrasound, so two mammos and an ultrasound, that hurts the pocketbook…as I was laying there getting the ultrasound I was able to see the screen and I saw a mass on the screen…of course the tech cannot speculate or provide any feedback…so now I wait until my Doctor calls me back…so my mind of course starts to go to the dark side…I have to mentally prepare for the worst, in my head I have made the decision to let one of the girls go, maybe both of them, they are twins and one without the other would be odd and incomplete…then I start thinking of a chest tat…and of course even darker…am I at stage one, two or….yep, always gotta go with the worst thoughts possible….great start to the week….but I should have answers soon…and no I am not stressed….yet…nor have I talked to anyone about this…so if you are here reading this then you are probably the first to hear about this, stay tuned for an update…ttfn

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Clusterphuck….

Miscommunication…lately it seems to be the basis of my life. truths, untruths, my morning was epically phucked…I had a sleepless night (thank you insomnia) I fasted for an appointment to get lab work done, I made it a point to be there before the clinic opened, I was the third one in…and the first one out…somehow they phucked up and I didn’t show up on their system, even though on my end I had confirmation…le sigh…so I came home and made some follow up phone calls and admittedly got somewhat testy…(I was hangry and still fasting)…they gave me the option of doing the lab work early tomorrow morning and DR visit in the early afternoon…nope…I was not about to do another fast, especially overnight and insomnia likely to happen again…so I got busy emptying every drawer and doing some refolding and purging as I waited for a call back with an okay to get the lab work done…the testiness worked in my favor (by testy I mean somewhat bitchy…why lie)…just super frustrating when they have access to my medical records, last visit, etc…yet they can’t get it together…and just now I had to call to re-confirm my appointment for tomorrow as they sent me 2 messages with different appointment times…fingers crossed that they don’t phuck it up between now and tomorrow afternoon…

fuckery

Hushful…

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Begin the begin…not to be confused with the beguine, though doing a rumba might be easier than making any type of personal statement…but my begin, begins with….wait for it….

nothing…yup…

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Ruby’s Ruminations

Feeling the feels in a deep and profound way…I had a realization….I am not that good with criticism…well in some ways I am, I take positive criticism well, the negative not so much, but still I work with what I get…I process what I receive and I work with it…not always in the most positive of ways…I tend to retreat into myself and I am more private in the things I do, not in a way to hide what I do but if my actions are hurtful or offensive to anyone then I will go above and beyond to not be that person, by the same token I am made more aware of the same transgressions by others…and man are those transgressions off the chain…makes me realize that even at my worst I am not as bad as others…anywho to each their own…I just have to worry about me, making myself a better me…if that is a remote possibility…ha!

…and on to other things…I have been living in a bubble, getting most of my news off of social media…I aim to change that…that change started about 30 minutes ago, I have tuned into the news on a real live newsfeed…yup…now I have to work on my attention span. I will be spending less time on social media and more time reading and writing and being more aware of the world around me…baby steps of course…I have after all been sticking my head in the sand for quite a while time to revive some of my brain cells…if I still have enough left…time to dig out me DSM IV and get to reading…along with my regularly preferred fluff…said fluff consisting of death and mayhem.

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Closing out 2018…

So I did my end of the year post in Spanish yesterday…for some reason when I was thinking about it the thoughts only came to me in Spanish….I tried to think of why my mind was blocking English thought, no answers, for the record I think mostly in English, my dreams (from what I can remember of them) are also in English….anywho….I was reflecting on friendships, the loss of friends whether through just life events, choice, circumstance or whatever the cause…some of those losses I have felt deeply while others were inconsequential….I have a hard time trusting anyone to be a part of my small world, the people I do let in my world get to know me…(not the whole of me, for that I am not now or never will be able to fully trust any one individual to know that much about me). In some ways my world is getting smaller….that part is by choice….and just like yesterdays post I once again lost my train of thought….I suppose to surmise where all this gobbledygook is going is that in some way I am mourning the losses of 2018. And while I was attempting to gather my thoughts I came across this:123118

Cerrando el año con broche de oro

Ya el año esta por llegar a su fin…adios a las amistades que se han perdido por diferentes questiones, cosas del destino, cosas de la vida, por inseguridades masculinas y tambien femeninas, pero no tanto como lo masculino, alli si que no hay competencia o comparasion. Adios a la familia que se perdio, pero tan bien familia recuperada. Nuevas experencias, este año no hay deseo para celebrar, las celebraciones ya se dieron en su momento y con las personas que importan. Con toda certeza y honestidad si extraño algunas amistades pero que se le va hacer….en mi vida no tengo pacencia para babosadas y mucho menos para los babosos..en mi vido solo hay lugar para la paz..y ya se me fue la honda….pero en unos momentos yo solita me empieso mi celebracion, solita y muy agusto…y ese es mi broche de oro!2019

And again…it has been a while…

I’ve missed writing, I miss my writing mojo, I miss so very much, now let me count the ways…the what, and what nots or just ramble…later this AM I am embarking on a road trip…I have not recovered from the last road trip…I miss my BOUNCE….before I could go road tripping, walk around all over the place, go back to my room, get a shower, get a few hours of sleep and do it again and again until the weekend ended…now…not so much…the pain is unbearable, the exhaustion from trying to function, to be human, to be kind, to be everything I was easily before…it sucks, sucks big fat purple monkey balls. I hate this existence…it has caused me to reevaluate a major dream I had…I feel robbed of my independence….I have always prided myself in doing for myself, tackling anything that came my way…I have never liked asking for any help, not from my kids, not from family or friends…now, not to sound ungrateful or anything…I am quite grateful and very appreciative for any and all help I have received or continue to receive…but that doesn’t take away from my feelings….and boy do I have some strong ass feelings of uselessness… I do still maintain my home and maintain an existence that seems not too bad…and others have it much worse, and blah, blah, blah…but I am not here to ramble on about anyone else, this, THIS is about me…and right now I don’t like me, I don’t like the sinking darkness that envelops me, I feel a heavy cloak of darkness, exhaustion…sofa king tired…I just don’t want this, and here I am to vent, bitch and whine…not to be confused with wine…that’ll be later…after all a good coping mechanism can be found at the bottom of a barrel or wine bottle…so for now I intend to continue to wallow in my self pity, in my warm and heavy darkness, I am not interested in leaving my pity party until I am good and ready, I don’t need therapy, I don’t need any well meaning anyone trying to draw me out…I am well equipped to handle my “episodes” all on my own, sort myself out and put my fake ass smile on when I am good and ready…and for anyone familiar with RBF, well a big part of that is being all up in my self and in my feelings. I don’t set out to have a distant, fuck off, fuck you look, but there you go, and there it is and there I am or here I am. THIS is/was my therapy, putting words to my feelings, to my thoughts…and with that this is it for now…making a vow to myself to get back to finding my voice…even if it is just in written form…much preferable to actually using that voice IRL.

TTFN

Much ado about nada…

Fingers crossed lest I speaketh to soon…spent all night on high alert…thankfully the only thing with any flash bang and pop was the night sky. The night sky was lit up with an amazing light show….it rained and rained and that made me happy…I did go out and got partially drenched…it felt good but my hair doesn’t agree…oh well…it is Friday and I am going to go straight home for a nap so I can be energized for my little princess…might have to figure out something for us to do or go somewhere…we shall see…if not activities will be on todays agenda…I will stay away from yard work even though the temptation is strong and the desire even stronger…..must slap hands…and why do some women have to be so utterly stupid…I see a cow smoking up a storm….said cow is in her third trimester…I currently have no compassion for said cow. well almost time for me to get things wrapped up and end my shift…45 minutes or so and I can get out of here…yay.

When you hurt…you know..

Or at least I do, I know I am alive, I know I am stupid, I know I have limitations, I know I exceeded the limitations, I know I can still do stupid stuff and more importantly I just know I Cantu (can too).

I decided to do some yard work, which I wholeheartedly enjoy…unfortunately my back is not so fond of my lack of better judgement…I’ll start feeling the tightness, the messages sent to my brain, but something in me refuses to quit…I keep pushing and pushing…and here we are days later and still hurting (a lot) but also I am waiting for the pain to ease up so I can get back to it…yes, I could easily engage in getting help…but that would be depriving myself of such a simple joy…minus the fucking calluses. Those I don’t like, but I have manly rough hands, nothing sissy about my hands…nothing sissy about me at all…

And on to other things…my brain has been foggier, more so than what has become the norm….could be the drugs, could be the lack of activity (mental) I have been having a hard time getting into finishing a book I just started…granted when I am in pain I just cannot concentrate…so I pick the book up and keep reading the same 2-3 pages and putting it back down…I know, this too shall pass…like a kidney stone or stuck compacted turd.

And another thing I really do think I should get back to writing, like seriously my brain needs the self stimulation that only I can provide for it.

And that’s all I have for now.

 

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