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Archive for the ‘Every~day~ness’ Category

I’ve missed writing, I miss my writing mojo, I miss so very much, now let me count the ways…the what, and what nots or just ramble…later this AM I am embarking on a road trip…I have not recovered from the last road trip…I miss my BOUNCE….before I could go road tripping, walk around all over the place, go back to my room, get a shower, get a few hours of sleep and do it again and again until the weekend ended…now…not so much…the pain is unbearable, the exhaustion from trying to function, to be human, to be kind, to be everything I was easily before…it sucks, sucks big fat purple monkey balls. I hate this existence…it has caused me to reevaluate a major dream I had…I feel robbed of my independence….I have always prided myself in doing for myself, tackling anything that came my way…I have never liked asking for any help, not from my kids, not from family or friends…now, not to sound ungrateful or anything…I am quite grateful and very appreciative for any and all help I have received or continue to receive…but that doesn’t take away from my feelings….and boy do I have some strong ass feelings of uselessness… I do still maintain my home and maintain an existence that seems not too bad…and others have it much worse, and blah, blah, blah…but I am not here to ramble on about anyone else, this, THIS is about me…and right now I don’t like me, I don’t like the sinking darkness that envelops me, I feel a heavy cloak of darkness, exhaustion…sofa king tired…I just don’t want this, and here I am to vent, bitch and whine…not to be confused with wine…that’ll be later…after all a good coping mechanism can be found at the bottom of a barrel or wine bottle…so for now I intend to continue to wallow in my self pity, in my warm and heavy darkness, I am not interested in leaving my pity party until I am good and ready, I don’t need therapy, I don’t need any well meaning anyone trying to draw me out…I am well equipped to handle my “episodes” all on my own, sort myself out and put my fake ass smile on when I am good and ready…and for anyone familiar with RBF, well a big part of that is being all up in my self and in my feelings. I don’t set out to have a distant, fuck off, fuck you look, but there you go, and there it is and there I am or here I am. THIS is/was my therapy, putting words to my feelings, to my thoughts…and with that this is it for now…making a vow to myself to get back to finding my voice…even if it is just in written form…much preferable to actually using that voice IRL.

TTFN

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Fingers crossed lest I speaketh to soon…spent all night on high alert…thankfully the only thing with any flash bang and pop was the night sky. The night sky was lit up with an amazing light show….it rained and rained and that made me happy…I did go out and got partially drenched…it felt good but my hair doesn’t agree…oh well…it is Friday and I am going to go straight home for a nap so I can be energized for my little princess…might have to figure out something for us to do or go somewhere…we shall see…if not activities will be on todays agenda…I will stay away from yard work even though the temptation is strong and the desire even stronger…..must slap hands…and why do some women have to be so utterly stupid…I see a cow smoking up a storm….said cow is in her third trimester…I currently have no compassion for said cow. well almost time for me to get things wrapped up and end my shift…45 minutes or so and I can get out of here…yay.

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Or at least I do, I know I am alive, I know I am stupid, I know I have limitations, I know I exceeded the limitations, I know I can still do stupid stuff and more importantly I just know I Cantu (can too).

I decided to do some yard work, which I wholeheartedly enjoy…unfortunately my back is not so fond of my lack of better judgement…I’ll start feeling the tightness, the messages sent to my brain, but something in me refuses to quit…I keep pushing and pushing…and here we are days later and still hurting (a lot) but also I am waiting for the pain to ease up so I can get back to it…yes, I could easily engage in getting help…but that would be depriving myself of such a simple joy…minus the fucking calluses. Those I don’t like, but I have manly rough hands, nothing sissy about my hands…nothing sissy about me at all…

And on to other things…my brain has been foggier, more so than what has become the norm….could be the drugs, could be the lack of activity (mental) I have been having a hard time getting into finishing a book I just started…granted when I am in pain I just cannot concentrate…so I pick the book up and keep reading the same 2-3 pages and putting it back down…I know, this too shall pass…like a kidney stone or stuck compacted turd.

And another thing I really do think I should get back to writing, like seriously my brain needs the self stimulation that only I can provide for it.

And that’s all I have for now.

 

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So it took some walking on the ledge for months but I finally got the ball rolling on a few things…I suffer from severe embarrassingly debilitating anxiety over the dumbest things…but I have learned (or am still learning) to deal with these issues. I don’t have anyone to hold my hand (yes, I have friends who offer, but that’s not helpful to me, sorry, not sorry). it takes me a while but I get things done…all the while creating other issues that will eventually need attention….what a vicious cycle I make myself go through…lol. But I am getting the needed repairs to my house, the morning rain may put a pause on the remaining work, we shall see…once this is complete I can move forward on other projects….

Now on to the other shtuff…

I have posted a few things on social media and received PM’s about the meme’s I have posted and I don’t mean any of them to one individual person, sheesh…but some have taken them personally and are affronted…I hate having to soothe ruffled feathers and reassure someone that no, it’s not you…to the point where I end up blowing up and just saying yes, you win, it is about you…so aggravating…..yet again very telling as to what they may be up tp and where they see themselves wearing the shoes…hey if they fit, put them on, wear them, run in them…far away…please…I don’t always have the patience to sugarcoat shit where it is not needed…rant over…I think….at least for now.

Other ramblings…I enjoyed a nice quiet weekend, it was a hit and miss with one of my favorite peeps, but we will make it happen soon…I also went to Dillard’s and did a little shopping, I have been carrying a gift card for 2+ years and I still haven’t managed to spend all the money on it….and I thought yesterday was going to be the day, but my math skills really suck…lol…so until the next 40% off clearance sale…I did score 3 items, a pair of Levi’s and 2 shirts….then back to la Casa.

Overall a nice chill weekend.

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I love the night shift and the daytime freedom it provides me…lately I have spent more time on my night audits and it is refreshing to discover that someone else can appreciate an esoteric parlance, albeit only in writing, but it sure makes for interesting reading. Due to the nature of most of our clients we are reminded to keep to a nondescript style of writing….well that has taken a life of its own and most case notes could be just copied and inserted in each individual file as they all sound the same, but then there is Ms. HR, gotta love her colorful use of language and the kicker is that she uses it in the correct context…anywho…enough of that…

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling like I am dying…I took it upon myself to get or try to get the yard work done…well got the front done (except for the weed eating) and then I half assed the backyard…my body just gave out. consequently I am still paying for it…I don’t feel like I can even ask my # 2 to help…and I surely cannot afford to pay someone to come and do it….so buttercup sucks it up….by the time I recover I’ll be repeating the process as the rain has kick started the growth….and from a distance it looks okay…and I feel like I haven’t uttered the words enough…but here goes, I hate my body, I hate that it betrays me, that on the outside to anyone looking at me I look the picture of health…far from it, I have a useless piece of shit carcass to drag around and it’s only going to get worse…and pity party over….

that’s all I’s got…

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My sojourn of silence is coming to an end, I think I’m making it a short week of quiet, it really hasn’t been as quiet as I’d have hoped…I did have complete control of the tone and volume of social media. I have been spending more time with my little one and that time is priceless to me…I have been communing with nature…in the form of yard work….I have been reading more and writing more (on other forums) I have written a couple of pieces that I may release for publication….though that hasn’t been written in stone yet….I may end up reading it and hitting delete as I am prone to do….tomorrow morning is follow up lab work…I will have to fast overnight…..that sucks, I don’t know if I will pull it off or not, if I do I will stop and have breakfast before getting home…..anywho…time to get ready for the princess.

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It took a head scratching while for the perspicacity I once was well-known for to figure out what happened to my shows on HULU…apparently it is a contract situation, in hindsight I should have taken heed when I saw the “expiring” yellow lines….I was left with several episodes yet to air for one show and another just started this Tuesday on the network that I saw part of the pilot episode that looked intriguing …oh well…I suppose if I get the urge to see what I am visually missing I could hunt down the episodes on other platforms….but that is unlikely….very likely I will go for the written word on a blog that recaps the more popular telenovelas in a witty, biting, often times sarcastic and hilarious way…

Depressive ruminations are the bane of my existence…if I stay focused on mindless crap, like cheesy telenovelas…then I can remove or bypass the issues at hand that wear me out….and no I am not clinically depressed…just the thought that I have not resolved anything bites.

I am still digging my vow of silence, not that it has been 100% quiet….because it hasn’t….it has been somewhat productive, thought I must say my yard does look like a disgruntled dude named Jose from Jesus’ lawn service has massacred my lawn.

 

Time to get moving before I doze off….ain’t got time for that nonsense right now…

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