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Archive for the ‘Every~day~ness’ Category

So it took some walking on the ledge for months but I finally got the ball rolling on a few things…I suffer from severe embarrassingly debilitating anxiety over the dumbest things…but I have learned (or am still learning) to deal with these issues. I don’t have anyone to hold my hand (yes, I have friends who offer, but that’s not helpful to me, sorry, not sorry). it takes me a while but I get things done…all the while creating other issues that will eventually need attention….what a vicious cycle I make myself go through…lol. But I am getting the needed repairs to my house, the morning rain may put a pause on the remaining work, we shall see…once this is complete I can move forward on other projects….

Now on to the other shtuff…

I have posted a few things on social media and received PM’s about the meme’s I have posted and I don’t mean any of them to one individual person, sheesh…but some have taken them personally and are affronted…I hate having to soothe ruffled feathers and reassure someone that no, it’s not you…to the point where I end up blowing up and just saying yes, you win, it is about you…so aggravating…..yet again very telling as to what they may be up tp and where they see themselves wearing the shoes…hey if they fit, put them on, wear them, run in them…far away…please…I don’t always have the patience to sugarcoat shit where it is not needed…rant over…I think….at least for now.

Other ramblings…I enjoyed a nice quiet weekend, it was a hit and miss with one of my favorite peeps, but we will make it happen soon…I also went to Dillard’s and did a little shopping, I have been carrying a gift card for 2+ years and I still haven’t managed to spend all the money on it….and I thought yesterday was going to be the day, but my math skills really suck…lol…so until the next 40% off clearance sale…I did score 3 items, a pair of Levi’s and 2 shirts….then back to la Casa.

Overall a nice chill weekend.

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I love the night shift and the daytime freedom it provides me…lately I have spent more time on my night audits and it is refreshing to discover that someone else can appreciate an esoteric parlance, albeit only in writing, but it sure makes for interesting reading. Due to the nature of most of our clients we are reminded to keep to a nondescript style of writing….well that has taken a life of its own and most case notes could be just copied and inserted in each individual file as they all sound the same, but then there is Ms. HR, gotta love her colorful use of language and the kicker is that she uses it in the correct context…anywho…enough of that…

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling like I am dying…I took it upon myself to get or try to get the yard work done…well got the front done (except for the weed eating) and then I half assed the backyard…my body just gave out. consequently I am still paying for it…I don’t feel like I can even ask my # 2 to help…and I surely cannot afford to pay someone to come and do it….so buttercup sucks it up….by the time I recover I’ll be repeating the process as the rain has kick started the growth….and from a distance it looks okay…and I feel like I haven’t uttered the words enough…but here goes, I hate my body, I hate that it betrays me, that on the outside to anyone looking at me I look the picture of health…far from it, I have a useless piece of shit carcass to drag around and it’s only going to get worse…and pity party over….

that’s all I’s got…

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My sojourn of silence is coming to an end, I think I’m making it a short week of quiet, it really hasn’t been as quiet as I’d have hoped…I did have complete control of the tone and volume of social media. I have been spending more time with my little one and that time is priceless to me…I have been communing with nature…in the form of yard work….I have been reading more and writing more (on other forums) I have written a couple of pieces that I may release for publication….though that hasn’t been written in stone yet….I may end up reading it and hitting delete as I am prone to do….tomorrow morning is follow up lab work…I will have to fast overnight…..that sucks, I don’t know if I will pull it off or not, if I do I will stop and have breakfast before getting home…..anywho…time to get ready for the princess.

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It took a head scratching while for the perspicacity I once was well-known for to figure out what happened to my shows on HULU…apparently it is a contract situation, in hindsight I should have taken heed when I saw the “expiring” yellow lines….I was left with several episodes yet to air for one show and another just started this Tuesday on the network that I saw part of the pilot episode that looked intriguing …oh well…I suppose if I get the urge to see what I am visually missing I could hunt down the episodes on other platforms….but that is unlikely….very likely I will go for the written word on a blog that recaps the more popular telenovelas in a witty, biting, often times sarcastic and hilarious way…

Depressive ruminations are the bane of my existence…if I stay focused on mindless crap, like cheesy telenovelas…then I can remove or bypass the issues at hand that wear me out….and no I am not clinically depressed…just the thought that I have not resolved anything bites.

I am still digging my vow of silence, not that it has been 100% quiet….because it hasn’t….it has been somewhat productive, thought I must say my yard does look like a disgruntled dude named Jose from Jesus’ lawn service has massacred my lawn.

 

Time to get moving before I doze off….ain’t got time for that nonsense right now…

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shhh

Therapy for me involves pain, self-inflicted mind you…I took to the back yard and took advantage of the cool morning and wet ground to work on getting some of those stickers and weeds out. I tend to become enthralled with the task at hand, stupidly I was in flip-flops, a couple of times I almost amputated a foot…at the very least a few toes…but I persevered. I stopped a few times, I had some help in the form of a three-year old ready to wield her garden tools…or mine….more than likely the ground will be dry and hard tomorrow so it’s good that I did as much as I did…

Therapy part 2….the sun…my vitamin D levels were quite low at my last check up…I was prescribed a once a week high dose of the D in a green gel cap that is an ordeal to down…I don’t intend to refill the prescription…I will spend more time outside getting it from the source along with cancer of the epidermis.

The Therapy part 3….the quiet…the best part of my self-imposed therapy. I am by nature an introvert…I fake the extrovert almost to perfection…but indulging in quiet time is a feel good must…

Therapy part 4…getting in the zone…the zen zone…I have had a couple of anxiety attacks as of late…annoying more than anything….I have so much going on and I am not one to share…a retraction to this statement….I do share a big portion of me with a few chosen trusted individuals, but the things I have to fix on my own…well that I keep to myself…I don’t see the point in unloading on anyone…in the end when I do find resolution it makes everything feel silly and trivial….

Therapy part 5…getting back to writing….writing has always been therapeutic for me…it’s a way to lay bare some of my burdens without creating a burden for any poor well-meaning friend that might want to offer an ear…I am good at bending ears from time to time…but for now I have an overwhelming need to just shut the fuck up.

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Not positive feels, just feels…feels just about as I anticipate it’s gonna go. I feel it creeping, the morbosity rears its head….it’s not where I can reel it in…I suppose I could but I won’t….there’s the free will, free willy feel to it. Feelings, nothing more than feelings….bewilderment, nah…seen it before, lived it before….’twas the reason I halted the concept of the feels years ago…irritated, yup, ran the gamut with that one with a nonsensical yo-yo-ing. Will I feel despondent, devastated, distraught? Will I want to know the why? Nope, already 17 steps ahead…or 19….somewhere in there….I feel it in the air, I could slice it, dice it then spice it up and I won’t….

See the thing about putting the feels out there is that as a consequence those feels will feel pretty bombastic….

giphy

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Things in my life sometimes seems to follow a path of predictability…….the calm before the storm, the ebb and flow of friendships, relationships, the everydayness….me…from head to toe, on Monday thru Friday when I make my way to work…I might groom my eyebrows and add some moisturizer…and call that good, oh, maybe a small clip to hold my hair up, or an elastic to put it in a ponytail…or a pencil to keep it off my face…very predictable…when I am at home…it’s pj’s , sweats…whatever is comfortable…no makeup, and hair piled on my head…now when it comes to going out…I do fix my hair…I like variety in my look, straight, curl…either natural or manufactured…I’m not the only predictable one…I see so many friends sporting the same hairstyle from 5, 10 or more years…same with makeup….same tired daytime smoky eye, winged eyeliner, same 5 year old hairstyle…I guess if it works…you work it…more often than not it works you and not in a good way…..

and in other areas….relationships…sigh…such a sucktastic friend or unfriend that I am….I get bored with myself and then I start overthinking every minute nuance and then I let it go…not so good there….

I seem to have lost my train of thought…so I leave this with an incomplete thought…the princess beckons…

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