I thought I was calling it a night….

The start of this doesn’t make much sense….as I had a working title and decided against it….so it’s whatever…it makes sense to me….

Shoulda started with immaturity, cause I’m fixing to do something that is downright immature…thinking of even going all out and doing some Evites and creating an event out of it But there is a slight hiccup with that plan, I don’t yet have a venue available. I cannot do it at Casa de Ruby as it is not solely Casa de Ruby and I don’t need drama to come out of it…as it will already be slightly dramatic. So for now I’m holding on to my Save the Dates until I can either secure a location or some other brilliant idea pops into my head.  Not that this is a brilliant idea…it is more of a cathartic release, one involving the dissolution of tangible memories. So it’s like a bonfire without the bon…cause I’m not even sure what the heck a bon is and I don’t feel like looking it up….but it will involve fire, a slow controlled burn….as I’m sure the county will probably be all balls to the wall with their stinking burn ban…..I just want a cozy little fire where I can sit there with a cool night-time breeze, music playing, water hose at the ready and me feeding the flames with combustible materials. I want to sear those memories as I would sear a steak, hear a sizzle, a pop and a goodbye.  It is way past time to bury some of those memories, I’ve hung on to the tangible memories long enough…I want to lay rest to a regrettable time in my life and be done with that chapter.  I know it is not a mature way to handle it, but it is a way I choose to slay the beast.

So on to other nonsense….or shtuff….

Dye causes death…

…of brain cells….lately I’ve seen a proliferation of old haglets running around with some cloaky hair….yikes, grandma just let it go….there comes a time when no matter how dark you color your hair it will not detract from how old you look, I have nothing against hair color, I am a retired hairstylist and I also retired the dye. There are days where the urge to color my hair hits me….I LOVE color, but after a certain age it is time to switch it up….go lighter, add low lites, add highlights…..but don’t bathe those whites with black….skin tones change with age…..my kids rag me about my white hair, they think I should cover it….I don’t care to do that. I love the white hair, I’m not crazy about the texture but age also changes the texture of hair, my hair used to curl up in ringlets, waves or curls, now most days it is frizz….and all I do with it is take a small clip and get it out of my face. I just don’t have the vanity left in me to give a fuck….which I find amusing as I have been accused of being vain by a someone that maintains standing appointments with a hairstylist for color and cuts….yeah…who is vain here? HAHA….as a side note, all of the above vitriol is MHO and if anyone feels like it could be the right sized shoe/fit for them…well wear it and shut up about it.

If you happen to be my age or older…(proud to say I belong to the over the hill crowd) with that I’m sure you are familiar with being stabbed in the back…anywho…

Things are falling into place….I started a second job a while back, so I’m now juggling two jobs as well as being a single parent and trying to carve time out for myself to regroup in between. My back is not entirely simpatico with the situation but life being what it is (not free) well I do what I have to do to provide for me and mine (even though I’ve been accused of being a “user”…as if!!!)

So anyway I wanted to extend a helping hand to someone I knew needed it. I already had knowledge that this person had gone behind my back numerous times to basically bad mouth me, stab me in the back, throw me under the bus…whatever you want to call it….I can be quite forgiving (even when I’m accused of being rigidly unforgiving) I went to bat for this person. All for naught. I gave this person ample opportunity to prove others wrong….but I guess the others were right. This person didn’t deserve my kindness and generosity. At least not at this time. Which is cool…I will not treat this person any different. I still greet them as cheerfully as before, I still take the time to compliment them and inquire about their health, their day or life. I may be rebuffed and that’s fine too. See. I’ve been in this persons place before so I understand some of the mindset. But at the same time I will not extend myself as I have done previously. Not when I go to bat for someone and they don’t have the common courtesy to share that perhaps they are not interested or that they have changed their mind. In this persons place is someone that truly is appreciative of my efforts to help. And that is where things are falling into place. Yes things happen for a reason….whatever led this other person to rebuff this opportunity only opened up the doors to someone else that turned out to be a better fit. I say it is a win, win!

So while I will continue to extend kindness to this person I have learned a lesson…yes, I will continue to kill with kindness but the “Ruby” circle is no longer open for this person…..

And the tit for tat crap rears its ugly head once again. I’m too old for that….**sigh….I keep trying, but when is enough, enough?

Randomness….

Looks like the tit for tat bullshit nonsense is trying to rear its ugly head…tried nipping it in the bud but it may have backfired. Maybe I should study conflict resolution a little more. My idea of resolution is to say “fuck you” and walk away….though I now tend to just say it inside my head…not very effective…but part of it is the whole trying to be mature about things. Skulking isn’t so much my thing but I am reactive to it….anyway enough about that nonsense…I have more randomness…

I have been flirted with and hit on….it was kinda sorta fun (not the hit on part, there is something smarmy about that) the flirting I can handle….but full out hitting on is just not cool….but it is amusing to hear the lines being used….I so wanna ask if their delivered BS ever works but sadly the answer is probably a yes…but not for me.

People are NASTY and stupid…well perhaps not so stupid after all they did get what they wanted….

I’m gaining my weight back in a fun way….eating lots….but I didn’t get to my ice cream yet….I’m scheduling that for my next day off…juggling 2 jobs I have to get  strategic about the eating of certain things that have adverse effects on me…ice cream makes my belly bloat….and makes me feel miserable….usually afterwards, thankfully not while eating….

Well I’m off to read myself to sleep, have a long 2 days coming up….

Going downhill fast

I woke up feeling perfectly fine headed to my new (2nd) job…got there and got settled in for the day…well I didn’t get to settled…out of nowhere and without warning things got bad and fast. I was lucky my boss was there….I felt faint and shaky…yeah I forgot to eat breakfast so I thought a couple of cookies would help…I didn’t feel hungry but I ate them anyway. Soon, very soon we could tell that wasn’t going to cut it so he offered up a candy bar. But I needed to lay down or pass out, did that…but it didn’t help. So I came home and made it to the sofa but then I had to run to the bathroom where I puked up about 5 pounds worth of fluids…not good but I felt better so I went back to work. Big mistake….I managed to hang on for at least an hour then I gave up and came back home. I am now down 10 pounds and not feeling all that great. Hope I feel better soon…I cannot afford to stay home and this is no way to start off at a new job. I’m feeling too pukey to stand for long and I dread disappointing boy # 3 when he gets home shortly….he was wanting me to take him to the mall but driving is out of the question….wish I had a bitch right about now….

Morning suckiness….

Woke up this morning to a knock on my bedroom door, boy # 2 destroyed the bathroom. FML, too damn early for that. It’s like child please, stop wasting precious time bragging about your amazing feats and fix the damn crapper. Sheesh.

Lawn mower also is jacked up. Have jungles growing wild in front and back. So today after school they will be pulling weeds and picking up branches and trash. Home ownership can totally suck ass when there are little things needing fixing and we have limited handyman skills.

At least I picked up a few hours, that will save me from going off on the kidlets, a simple note with instructions will be left. Their dinner is also prepared. In a few I’ll fix my lunch and get ready and head out.

Calgon can’t take me away but for a few hours I’ll be away from temporary stressors.

I have a couple of old friends who’ve reached out, I’m trying to reach back as it was hit and miss….sometimes it is cool to reconnect, others not so much.

Well I’m off to perform miracles (must lotion and potion myself into some type of human semblance. The hair will be left with the “just rolled out of bed” look. I have lost the vanity required to make too much of an effort. Must thank my detractors.

 

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