Three years ago today began the journey of much sorrow and pain and lots of hurts, hurts hurled by me and to me, not an entirely mutual decision but at the same time I didn’t voice my refusal to go through what was a given. I am filled with many regrets but hindsight being what it is and whatnot…well as I am fond of saying it is what it is and a new one I’ll be annoyingly using is I am what I am. Most decidedly a Fracaso Epico, yes I’ve used this one before…Epic Fail. I have learned much about forgiveness, forgiveness comes in many levels, superficial forgiveness meant to mollify the wrongdoer, I’ve been guilty myself of saying to someone I forgive you for “this” or “that” but it hasn’t been true forgiveness and whatever the relationship is with that person, that relationship will continue to languish. I will forever and a day carry in my heart remorse for my part in the hurts I caused, unfortunately life doesn’t allow for do-overs. Sadly the aggrieved party is unable to believe in me or trust that I am sincerely contrite, but my actions are my continued downfall. I am a victim of my own inanity, repeatedly I foolishly do things that to me appear to be good but have the opposite effect. My own catch 22 if you will. I have this habit of not only putting my foot in my mouth but I exceed in the talent of gagging myself with my foot, knee and thigh. I’ve grown quite weary of myself, there are the days where I just sit and ponder the meaning of all “this”. What am I here for? Quite honestly I can say that if I didn’t have my boys to look after I wouldn’t be here. There is nothing worse than facing yourself day after day in a mirror and see a revolting reflection looking back at you. I found myself trying to talk to an invisible and failing entity known to others as “God” I got nothing back, that hasn’t changed. As a child when I was prone to believing in “God”, the Easter Bunny and Santa, I quickly learned the disillusionment that comes from the allegorical contributions by the adults around me. I guess it is tradition that keeps these entities thriving.
In other news I am happy to report that I have been getting some much-needed sleep, I have been eating pain pills with sleeping pills as a chaser…pro’s and cons in no particular order….sleep, additional pain during waking hours, horrid dry mouth, mental anguish, suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts…hmmm…seems the cons always supersede the pros. I wish I could get the timing right, like what would be a good time to take these damn pills so that I could go to sleep at a decent hour and not spend 3 to 5 hours trying to read myself to sleep, then sleeping until mid morning or early afternoon. But then again what else do I have to do…oh here’s another pro…once asleep my body adjusts to the scorching indoor high temperature (97°) and I am able to sleep without getting all sweaty…I wish my body had that awesome power during the daytime hours when it gets as high as 100°. Totally sucktastic. Oh and here’s yet another pro…water I have increased the H2O intake, con I am unable to lift the 5 gallon water jugs…which I used to be able to do before and trust me I have thought about going solo to water filling place to refill my jugs and fucking up my back even more. I HATE having to bug anyone else to do that for me, but there is no way I am going to drink tap water. So yes Virginia I will have to suck it up and ask for help…unless I am in a pissy mood then I’ll go fuck myself while I do it just because I am stupidly stubborn and INDEPENDENT. Did you know being independent can suck big fat purple monkey balls? Well did ya? Well if you didn’t know, I am here to tell you that it does…and boy has that been a curse for me…hmmm…I just had an ephiphany…I am a curse unto myself.