What I should’ve said was…

There’s always a little truth behind every “just kidding”, a little knowledge behind every “I don’t know”, a little emotion behind every “I don’t care”, and a little pain behind every “It’s okay”!

In my case a lot of pain behind my every “it’s okay”, “I’m fine”, “all’s good”.

Looks like my last “I’m fine” will come back to bite me in the ass.

Today has been a weird day for me, emotionally (or perhaps hormonally) I’ve been all over the place. Good thing I’m left alone to fall apart, hate having witnesses to my humanity. I hate tears, whether they are angry tears, happy tears, or whatever other kind tears decide to burst forth out of my stupid retarded nasolacrimal ducts.

I spent a good 2 hours on my DDC online, hate the system that times it, it shouldn’t take 10 minutes to read some of the portions…I try pacing myself, but then find myself just answering the question without reading the crap….aometimes I wish I was a slow reader.

I made some muffins, have been instructed to make more tomorrow and not eat 3 of them, I shouldn’t have done that but I’ll blame it on the hormones. Or the assholebitchbastardpigjerkwad that made me do it. Well nobody was here to make me eat 3 muffins but I feel like blaming someone….cause that is just the kind of mood I’m in.

I think it is safe to say it is a good time to just medicate myself…so with that I am off to get some water to down a “happy” pill or two….

Book Ponderings part deux~

I’ve reached the conclusion of The Chimney Sweeper’s Boy and thoroughly enjoyed the story, it isn’t for everybody so I won’t recommend it. But if I ever come across another book by this author I will read it. Oh yeah the author is Barbara Vine also known as Ruth Rendell. There are some metaphor’s throughout and deciphering those goes a long way in solving the mystery of the fictional author….anywho…here are some additional quotes~

When you think someone is listening to you he is probably only considering what to say next.

It is very hard to come to terms with the fact of someone simply not liking you.

The greatest fallacy is that good looks are an essential ingredient of sexual attraction.

There’s no knowing why we remember some things and forget others.

Those who marry to escape something usually find themselves in something worse.

Sabado Gigante~

Giant Saturday…making some French Toast for my babies, heating up some tamales, making another pot of coffee, waiting for my pain meds to kick in…and my sleeping pills, yes pills, I’ve taken two…hoping I can get some much needed sleep. I will get back to my book which has some really great quotes…so I’ll be doing another blog later with quotes from it…but I better get busy and start cooking….

About you~

You walked into my life
Like you were given an invite 
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your hands in your pocket
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself watching me
And all the beers at the bar, beers at the bar
They’d be your downfall, and

I’ll bet you think this blog is about you
Don’t you? Don’t you?

You had me several years ago
When I was still quite bemused
Well, you said that we made quite a pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I’ll bet you think this blog is about you
Don’t you? Don’t you?

Well, I hear you went up to ask about me
And your ears naturally heard
Then you flapped your lips and told some lies
To suit your views
Well, you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not, you’re with
Some book full of lies or dust in the air

I’ll bet you think this blog is about you
Don’t you? Don’t you?

Book ponderings~

Faith is believing in what you know to be false….

Very little is more irritating than the speech patterns of someone we know to be intelligent yet who is ignorant of grammar and correct usage.

He admired her strength until it overshadowed his. Then he sought to diminish her. She acquiesced well past the time she knew she should have stopped, sadly she was hoping he would have admired her resolve and her independence, he wasn’t man enough for her.

They all tried to change her, from muzzling her when she spoke her mind, to putting her down for daring to show she had a mind of her own.

She awoke one day to realize she hadn’t met a man yet who would have the balls to be a man. The balls he carried were nothing more than a scratching post or a couple of play things useful for warming up a cold hand.

Don’t be a Republican. They are self-dealing crooks with no sense of honor or patriotism to their fellow citizens. If you must be a Republican, don’t be a “conservative.”  They are whining, bitching, complaining, simple-minded self-righteous idiots who think they’re perpetual victims.

Go out and live life. Make real friends that are there for you and will have your back.

Don’t gay bash. Don’t mentally or physically abuse people because of who they are, or how they present themselves. It’s none of your business to try to intimidate people into conformity.

An epiphanical moment~

If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable…you disconnect yourself from what you truly want…and all that is left is a compromise…in my life I’ve had too many moments of compromise…unbelievable to some as it may be, but true nonetheless.

Now I have a series of words….each of these words in my mind had a story to go with it.  Short stories for some, longer for others, as I was doing something with my hair I had to pause, normally I let these thoughts disappear fruitlessly into thin air. But I paused long enough to jot down some of my thoughts, in the moment to me these thoughts were pure brilliance. I do have the capacity from time to time to surprise myself with deep thoughts. Sometimes I share these thoughts, sometimes I don’t. In this instant what I am sharing is a salvaged glimpse of what I thought was pure genius. I don’t expect anyone else to see thoroughly through into each carefully selected word, but I assure you, I had a breakthrough.

Today is the beginning of a new path for me. It will be a slow process for me to manuever around some of my own barriers, but I have nothing but time…as I am fond of saying, “Life is the longest damn thing we can get ourselves into”, sure from time to time I may have uttered the familiar “Life’s too short”. But there is truth to both statements, it just depends on perspective. Feel free to think about that one.

So here goes….WORDS~

A game, a tired, tired game, a game of actions and reactions, a game played too damn long.

Reflection sans affection ~ one’s a longer story than the other….

Starvation and salvation ~ again one’s a longer story than the other….

I carefully mulled each and every word, I savored the sound of each word, each thought, each moment. At the end of my reflection I was quite pleased with myself, my hair did well through all this deep thinking.

It’s all well and good, and so am I.


You are the first to know~

It’s been a productive day so far. Things are falling into place and I will be having a June wedding. My search for love ended a while back….and not to long ago I began my search for a new husband, one that doesn’t have to love me but provide me with insurance.

We have been talking for a while, squaring away some minor (major really) details. I have no expectations, make no demands, need not be loved or sit (or teeter) on a pedestal.

There has been freedom in giving up the illusions and delusions. I still need to talk to my boys (I’m not worried they’ll learn about it here.) I think they will be okay…it isn’t the first time I’ll spring a surprise on them.

Finally I snagged one (or another one)

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