No matter how you put it…it is a bitch~

maybe if I had a bottle of Bitch..I wouldn't be so bitchy~

How do I describe my pain? Most times it is chronic, sometimes it is intermittent, coming and going…it has been almost a sudden onset of deep pain the last for hours…but it feels like a constant it won’t stay in one place as it prefers to radiate to other areas. It’s a dull ache, a sharp, piercing and burning sensation. It’s in my neck…my upper back, my  low back, down to my left leg, I feel a weakness, numbness and  tingling….all at once….back pain is one of humanity’s most frequent complaints…right now I would quantify it as severe as it has been interrupting my sleep….there is not a single position I can get into that will alleviate it….my fear is that I may require yet another back surgery….that thought is a nightmare…pain medication that fogs up my mind, tears at my insides…..I have a strong threshold for pain but I do have my limits….right now the temptation is to take something for the pain, I just hate the feeling of not having full control of my mental faculties, without medication my brain struggles to keep up with the world….adding medication that alters my mind and thought process doesn’t sound like what I need to be doing…..I’ve run the gamut of extremes when it has come to powerful narcotics….I don’t like them…..but the alternative is then the constant pain, with that comes the seemingly bad “attitude” problems….I am not trying to be short or bitchy….but I have to cope with the pain one way or another and one way is for me to focus on something as innocuous as a piece of gum wrapper on my desk so that I lose focus on the pain….just last night I thought of indulging in a hot bath, but I knew getting in and out would not happen….but then it was time for bed….I come to dread going to bed…if I get around to doing physical activity and allow myself to be consumed with a task then for that amount of time I can let the focus elsewhere and at least for that time I’m not thinking of hurting…a body can only take so much and my body has been through enough….or at least I would like to think it has been….I don’t like pain, though at times I do welcome it….it’s a painful reminder that at least I was able to regain the ability to walk…and I don’t take that for granted…


Something else I’m quitting ~ part 2

The book…I simply cannot put pen to paper or words to keyboard to continue writing. I lost whatever creativity was there…or maybe the interest is in remission and I just don’t know, I don’t know but I just don’t have anything pouring out. Yes, lately it’s been all about quitting. Blah.

Last night was horrific…and I almost gave in and popped a Norco. I felt like I needed to claw my skin off, I tossed, I turned, I was in misery and pain. I fucking hate this part of my life. Anyways…Ima gonna be under a rock for a while….

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