The Jaded Files…part one in random order…

Dreaming of indulging in a book buying spree…..visiting cemeteries….picking a spot…though not for me…..watching movies….dancing in another life….moon/sun bathing and seeking immortality…..though not for me…

Traveling, the beach, the moon, the night, fire, vampires, music, the smell of old books, life…

I know I don’t have to be a house to be haunted…..normal isn’t one of my virtues….I try to live a good life. If you are a good friend and you are just, then you will not care how bad I have been, but will welcome me based on the virtues I have lived by….even though we have already established that normal isn’t one of my virtues…if you are unjust, then you should not want to know me…I will strive to live a noble life that will live on in the memories of my loved ones…I want to better embrace the goodness in people, I want to create more goodness in my life…I want to reinvent myself as a frolicking jolly do gooder….don’t laugh…I already did…I almost can’t picture me as a frolicker…..

Two years from now I don’t want to be more disappointed by the things that I didn’t do than by the ones that I did do….sleepless nights are a waste of time…and not much is worth it…I know this….yet I can’t sleep…I need to see more of the world….we all need to….we never know if we are gonna drop dead in the next ten seconds…why do I believe what I believe….who imposed it on me…..was it imposed or did I find it out for myself….ah….questions, many questions and not enough answers….thinking of my cousin who lost her hubby, so young, though I didn’t know him well I still feel for her and her family and their loss. RIP T.C.

Sunday ramblings~

Undermined….that’s not quite the word I was looking for; I had it early this morning when I had these thoughts in better order…..maybe sabotage….or perhaps deliberate….maybe all of that and then some….me thinks that could be the case…nonetheless, for the sake of sanity ~ totally ~ not worth exploring….but moving on….I had a mostly uneventful but very restful weekend…

Have you ever seen a cloud in someone’s eyes?

Have you ever felt like the storm that brought the cloud?

Have you ever?

Well I have

I’ve seen the cloud in someone’s eyes

I’ve been the storm that brought the cloud

I’ve had clouds in my own eyes

I’ve felt storms and clouds, rain and lightening

And the mighty thunder

My intellectually ambivalent life~

My Intellectually ambivalent life……I have this condition…maybe it isn’t a condition; maybe it’s a personality disorder….the inability or unwillingness to commit myself to a definite answer, a position, or conclusion in thought (“yes or no”)….this coming from even the most simplest of issues, like deciding on a restaurant…. normally either because I deliberately avoid or evade for some personal motive a definite stance….like I have personally had a bad experience and if whoever I am with has a bad experience I will somehow feel like whatever bad experience they may have will be my fault because I chose the offending restaurant…there is no logic to my thinking and I know this, but still I compulsively will let others pick…I am about to embark on a sort of 12 step program for myself….and no, I am not about to pattern it after the “Other” 12 step program.

To resolve intellectual ambivalence into a definite position is frequently a task for criticism or critique…I understand the fallacy of that illogical trek into the thought process I take to get to that conclusion, but it doesn’t matter what rollercoaster ride or maze I travel I still end up at point A….I know/understand that one of the main problems with my so called intellectual ambivalence is that it provides no clear guide or orientation for action….imagine living in my head for a minute or two or ten and the conflicts that swirl about as if on the spin cycle and something has gotten stuck to the bottom of the washing machine part that does the spinning…I guess you could call it the spinner….it is quite a dizzy ride….so I feel for the outsider trying to peer in…but I can’t make anyone see what it feels to be on that ride…unless you’ve yourself ever played that game in your mind a million times a day you wouldn’t understand….. It is difficult to act or plan on the basis that something “might or might not be the case”, that something “might or might not be a good idea” etc. In order to act or plan, definite ideas are necessary rather than uncertainty which incapacitates choices and decisions. Thus it often happens that sometimes I pretend to be very “definite” about an issue, because the function requires it, even though in truth I am ambivalent about the issue….but alas I see light at the end of the tunnel….I think….see I’m not sure about that….I may have overloaded the damn washing machine….so now I will have to split the wash in two and start a fresh load…..

Brown chicken brown cow~

I am bipolar….yeah it counts if I diagnose myself, who better than me to know me and proclaim what my mental state is than myself….I mean yeah I can go pay someone else to tell me I’m crazy, but I have definitive proof that I am….I have kids and they will undoubtedly set me straight….and because I need new outlets for my personal growth, because it’s not at home, well it is…but that’s different…I’m wanting to read more, and travel too….I get to travel without the hassle…because if I travel alone or with a whole cast of make believe characters I know I am going to have a blast….and that’s all I want…a blast….just a deviation from a chosen path can be so liberatingly fun….where the hell did my funness go too? Shit I think it may be under my bed with the lint…I’ll try to remember to look later….dammit I’m hungry….and it’s humid outside too and because humidity is not my hairs friend I’ll have big fluffy hair. I have chicken baking in the oven, cause where else would one bake chicken…and I may have pasta as a side…okay bye bye.

Hair cut part 3

Riding into the sunset~

Not a TX sunset, but beautiful nonetheless~

It was high noon in the West Texas desert  when I began to recognize that if I didn’t find water for my emu soon, it wouldn’t be long before I would be traveling by foot; and with the coyotes fast on my heels, I was starting to regret my decision to use poultry for transportation…..I had previously been walking in the hot desert sand, my dress billowing in the wind -not a calm and predictable billowing like the sea, but more like the billowing of a mildewed shower curtain in a cheap motel where one has to dance around to avoid touching it while rinsing off soap. The gauzy yards of my flowing dress became a tangle slithering between my unshaved legs, where the delicate fabric was pinpricked by the porcupine like hairs on my legs. Soon the sun would begin to set, and the dark clouds would roll in, bringing a cool relief from the searing scorching heat the day showered on me. I was determined to reach the small and desolate cabin where I could go and be as one with nature, where my books and my bottles of wine awaited. Ahhh Paradise!

All I ask is that you accept me for who I am~not who you want me to be.

My favorite people are those that I can disagree with but still respect.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. I stayed up later than I should have last night, I drank more than I should have and I thought about crap I shouldn’t have or needed to….there is too much malarkey going on that needs to just be put to rest and that was initially the self-imposed goal I had set up for myself….so self….(yeah I’m talking to myself) get with it, there is crap you cannot change, accept it and move on….okay me, done….

Oh and I got a few more pages read on the book I started, I’m having a hard time getting into it, same author I’ve been reading for the last several books, just that this is not part of the series and I’m getting acquainted with new characters, maybe tonight I’ll get more read. Got “plans” for tomorrow and quite possibly the weekend too. Somewhere in there I’ll probably drop Boy # 2 off at the mall for a while…we shall see…but for now I am checking out, I’m off to watch a bit of TV while I wait for the boys.

Ruby’s randomness reigns~

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks, and a ball game gets rained out, and a car rusts and if you have holes on the roof of that yet unfinished back room, well damn it you’re gonna have drops of rain in there too! And there could be a saving grace to this…find the leaks and strategically place plants around to catch the drops…genius! So maybe this weekend I will get a couple of plants, but I need something that can survive with very minimal attention, kind of like an artificial plant, which I already have two of, but they would look quite tacky if I left then where the drops fall.

Random Ruby~

Follow your dream! …. Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill…or the one where you are sleeping butt nekkid and the tornado rips your roof up and the walls fall flat and there’s no cliff to jump off…

When I’m feeling down, I wish I could whistle and annoy the neighbor’s dog and make it run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

When IT’S good you don’t want to stop, and when IT isn’t … you can’t wait to throw up…but throwing up hurts and it’s a waste…..well yeah it is a waste…

Crazy thoughts, then I thought wonder if I could be heartless….yeah…I think I can…what do you think?

The Parenting Chronicles~

I am a good parent!

Parenting~ I love my kids, but parenting sometimes sucks, especially taking the role of mom and dad….there’s the days when I take into account how much easier it is as a single parent than it is to battle an opposing partner. I have the luxury of calling the shots and not being undermined like so many traditional two parent households…..but then there is the downside of not having the other parent to lean on and that blows. I do want my babies to know that I love them and that if they give me reason to trust them I will give them leeway but if that is abused then all bets are off and then I have to be stern and not on their a$$ but in their a$$. They don’t want me that involved….but if I have to be then I will be….Boy # 2 wants to know if he can go to school early, like around 6:30am…uhhh…NO, not only No, but HELL NO. Oh and wants to stay after school hanging with his friends until around 5ish, again…uhhh…NO, not only No, but HELL NO. That is way too much time around possibly bad influences. I get that some parents would be okay and not think twice about it, but I’ve been a 15-year-old boy before…well not really a boy, but at the time I was a tomboy, so that is close enough. I used to get to school early and stay late…I know that it is easy to get involved in doing stupid stuff…so nope, this mommy is going to keep being an overprotective mommy.

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