That gnawing disquiet that I can’t put a name to, that gets me out of sorts because I can’t identify the sensations and resent having the feeling that I need to name my emotions. There’s a sadness and a loneliness and it frightens me, because I am never more alone than when I ponder that I have no one to share these thoughts and feelings with. I know the shape, the smell and the feel of my aloneness in my world. As I lay in bed with my pain wracked body my mind just wanders….not to thoughts of having someone to share because there isn’t, never has been and never will be. There just isn’t anyone out there built sturdily for the task. I despise weakness in men as much as I despise weakness in myself.
I caught myself as I was dozing off again…been fighting this sleep. Just not ready to close my eyes and call it a night. Of course my body overrules my mind. For a brief moment I saw myself in a distant yet very recognizable place..I was enjoying a routine of coffee, newspapers and something else that of late has been foreign to me…company….and laughter, not loud and hearty, but familiar. The chatter of loved ones around…a great way to start the day. But anywho…back to reality as pain engulfs me and has me in its grip.
I didn’t take long to unscrew the blue cap off my water bottle, the white cap off the brown bottle, I took two pills out and placed them in my mouth followed by a big swig of water to choke them down. I hope relief is quick…with so much to do I don’t want to luxuriate in the throes of this mind numbing pain…I’m so tired of it…and getting even more exhausted, mentally…that’s currently my biggest drain….ready to pull the plug….