Dang chocolate crapsicles!

From the archives….do you think the ancient Egyptians ever got curious? (You know, after all that hard work mummifying people, sucking their lifeless brains out through their cold, stiff nostrils, and pumping them full of concoctions of salves and just taking a peek to see what is in there. Boy # 1 had a fascination with all things Egyptian…) And if they ever did, don’t you think they saw how the flesh was all beat up and crunchy, and how the limbs were all shrivelly, and how the body was clearly no use to anyone who already had a smelly, wrinkly paperweight lying around. Don’t you think they saw all of that and exclaimed, ‘Dang chocolate crapsicles! This stuff ain’t working!’ Come to think of it, did they have chocolate back then and there? I dunno. Cats, yeah. Scarabs, sure. But chocolate? No idea. But what the hell good are scarabs and cats, if they’re not covered in chocolate? Makes no sense.

Anyway, I’m just saying that if those guys took a look at their handiwork, maybe they’d have had second thoughts about the whole process. Maybe they’d have started using real preservatives, or vacuum-sealed freezer bags, or something.

Or maybe, just maybe, it took thousands of years for those corpses to start rotting. If those pharaoh-stuffing fools looked at the time, the mummies might have looked perfectly normal. For all I know, they unwrapped them and sat them up for tea socials and dinner parties. Hey, who knows….maybe those bodies look so bad now because their previous owners have been using them in the afterlife all this time. Who the hell are we to say?

Egyptian gods~

And dammit… what the hell have I been talking about? This shit doesn’t even make sense to me. Egyptian gods of crapsicles?