CW~ I Have Cancer

“I Have Cancer” ~~~ Disclaimer: I Ruby, do not have cancer. CW= Creative Writing……Admittedly when I heard the news I was not shocked. I’ve been numb since I got back from the clinic. Everything was routine, the yearly exam, the blood work, the much dreaded PAP, every bit of it was routine. What wasn’t routine was the call back, there is always apprehension when the nurse calls back from the lab with the results. If they even call back, most times it is a standard no news is good news. Today was not standard, was not the norm, today is a nightmare.

How will I tell my kids, how will I tell my family? Will I die soon, will I live long and in agony? What about checking my kids? How long have I had it? I have a million questions, they wrap around my head a thousand times over. They spill out. I walk around with a notepad. I stop and I write down the next question. I keep it hidden from my kids, I tell them I’m just writing another short story.

I want to claw my skin off, I want to scratch my eyes out. I want to throw up, again, I’ve been throwing up over and over again. Is it because I am just a bad person, further proof that I am not worthy of any happiness? I just want to end it all. I have pills. I need to stop taking them. I need to refill my prescription. I need to know how many it will take. I can’t be here. I have to end it.

 

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