Do not disturb ~ already disturbed ~ 30 ?’s

01: What’s a fact about the last person who texted you?
She is awesome!
02: Its 4 in the morning, and your phone rings…..and?
Of course I don’t hear it; I have my phones turned off 95% of the time
03: What is your favorite thing to eat?
Food, seriously, and if it’s greasy, cheesy and crunchy even better
04: What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?
Hot raunchy sex….sleep, yeah, sleep

05: What is something you just don’t understand?
How sometimes love isn’t enough…

06: Where were you on July 4th, 2007?
Home, I think…but even if I wasn’t I didn’t do it.

07: Who was the last person you were in a car with?
My boys on January 7, it was Bert’s bday.
08: Is there someone on your mind that shouldn’t be?
No, all space inside my mind is currently inhabited by the ones that need to be there.

09: Do you care about what people think about you?
I try not to care, sometimes a smidgen of care squeaks in…

10: Do you think you’ll be married in 10 years?
Most definitely….not

11: Did you have a good day?
I am working on it…isn’t that obvious?

12: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
3…something like that

13: What was the last thing you laughed really hard about?
The Hangover
14: When was the last time you got flowers?
It’s been a while but they all die, flowers are dead….I’ll take chocolate instead

15: Do you plan on moving in the next year?
No, I have no plans, but life may have different plans for me…

16: Do you like winter?
Not much, I’m a Springer

17: Do you regret anything?
Much, but regrets don’t get us anywhere so we have to move on

18: Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
I don’t

19: What are you doing tomorrow?
Same shit different day…I’ll be vegetating, I am a cripple and homebound
20: Do you like to cuddle?
Sometimes I do….for the most part no….

21: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?
Words, deeds, bad images, nightmares, truly ugly stuff….

22: What are you doing this weekend?
Same shit different day…I’ll be vegetating, I am a cripple and homebound
23: Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?
I know some people do…and I’ll leave at that

24: How late did you stay up last night?
5:15 am

25: Suppose you see your crush kissing another person?
I’d walk away….

26: What mood are you in?
Contemplative…

27: Are you growing apart from someone close?
Sadly
28: Honestly, how many people have you completely fallen for?
2 and 2 is plenty
29: Honestly, what made you last cry?
Probably a man…but it could have been pain, probably inflicted by man

30: Honestly, who makes you happy most of the time?
The kiddos always manage to bring me around the bend

For my friend Tracy~

According to Mapquest we are separated by 1,228.15 miles or 18 hours and 5 minutes driving time….in reality we are separated by less than that. On the nights we talk to each other we are separated by a screen as we Skype each other. When we sit or lay down on either of our end to talk to each other very little truly separates us. We can talk about our frustrations with chronic pain, our disappointments as mothers that cannot truly be as hands on as we would like to be. We can talk about our struggles getting dressed, getting up, going to the bathroom, all the everyday activities that others take for granted. We can laugh and bitch about the well-meaning people who tell us to just stay positive. We know that no matter how positive we try to be we will not get better, sure we will have good days or at least better days. For Tracy sadly the reality is that MS ( multiple sclerosis) will continue to rob her of her abilities to be independent….the scary part is that it can happen seemingly overnight. There is no known cure at this time, I urge you to do what you can to support the ongoing research for a cure.

~mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend & so much more~

Tracy is a beautiful, intelligent, strong and amazing friend…she is a mother, wife, sister, daughter and a great friend to many.

My heart goes out to you Tracy, I know your fears, I know your anger. We have been dealt a shitty hand, and there is no fairness in this. I love how I can sit here and talk to you and you get me, same as I get you. We don’t have to sugar coat crap with each other, we can joke about the “right-to-die”….holding up banks…going to prison, bouncing off the walls of our crazy, yet cozy Padded Room.

Ode~

~my ode to you~

May you rest in peace

You turned an eye or two

Back in the day

The shine you had

It bounced off your forehead

It shined off your nose

A new life unfolds

Promises unkempt of wisdom

Knowledge untold

Life harnessed

Bottled

And shelved

Adieu I bid you

You were of no use to me

White fluffy bunny rabbits

Feet cut off

Burned

A keychain

A lucky charm

You have a purpose

Turn a magic trick

Spotted yellow pigs

With the fancy digs

The stench of your abode

It suits you

Invite me in

We can frolic in the mud

Roll around in glee

A toast to you

Bacon of my dreams

Your crispy cooked smell

Calls to me

Serve yourself with coffee

Donut with a hole

Hole sold separately

Bananas in a bunch

Grapes on a vine

Flour in a sack

Tea in a bag

Chip with a dip

Wine in a flask

Whine on the side

Beauty in the green

Green is the grass

Truck driven in

To the bush

Across the street

Cars passing by

Whoosh is their noise

Ringing in my ear

Wait….

That’s the damn telephone

Coffin in the store

Coughing in a napkin

Nonsense is this

Not about you

Not about anyone

Not about anything

Whoosh…I heard it again

Again and again

Monotony abounds

Ode to you

You won’t be missed

The new one is coming

In time it’ll show

With those lines

Those craters

No moon I speak of

No sense do I make

Shrew she wrote

Wrote the shrew

The day is going

Not fast enough

Why do we need it to go

Faster and faster

It brings the end

Closer and closer

Happy little cookies

Crumbling in my bag

Tons of them

Spilt on the road

Who took them and had joy

Not I said the pig

Not I said the hen

Not I said the hag

A ton of them

No milk to dunk

The end

If your life is a reflection of what ‘your way’ has to offer, I am not interested…

Now that is what I would say to some people that have had the nerve to try to tell me that their way was the best way, the only way and most importantly the “right” way. 

To parent…to keep house…to get from here (heaven) to there (hell), to get from here (hell) to there (heaven) to do this rather than that…or whatever it may be…. 

I would certainly not give someone financial advice if I had just filed bankruptcy…. 

But I do know that I can offer some sound financial advice, I can offer sound parenting skills and I can offer suggestions for getting from here to there and there to here (use Mapquest or GPS)  

I have learned that I have limitations or should impose limitations on what I have to offer…just like I don’t want any quack trying to give me life directions when they themselves are going down the wrong path (according to me) 

But now….I must shut my desktop down and get my laptop going…I’ve taken a pain pill and am ready to curl up with my book…. 

~Where’d it go? ~

I was awake for quite awhile last night…up to the wee hours of the morning, with all kinds of crazy stuff going through my head, and at one point I thought I should get up and write it down, but as always I am not motivated enough at the time of such genius….anywho I just told myself I would remember because it was too brilliant to forget…well guess what…all I have left is the notion that genius flowed and ebbed at the recess of my spectacular cranial cavity but I took a mind dump through the course of the night and I woke up with nothing left…’cept for some creases on my face……..

.. ..

Saturday morning ramblings~

They say time heals all wounds, but maybe it should be said that time wounds all heals.

Wishing I could crank this bitch (called time) up~

You may have been wounded and healed, then you take a new stab at something different and you end up wounding what was previously healed….follow me? Well like for example you scrape your knee but you don’t take care of it and you fall on your knee again and you reopen that wound that just about was healed…..then there are other deeper kinds of wounds….

I think what heals the wounds is letting go of wishing things had turned out differently and accepting what is. I was wishing for a pain free existence that hasn’t happened…yet…

So how do you let go of wishing things had turned out differently? How do you accept what is? The only way I know of is to immerse yourself in the present moment and stop living elsewhere in your mind…(that and taking a handful of pain pills a day)…stop focusing on the past or the future – thinking about anything but this moment. There are books to read, places to go, people to see, things to do….clothes to shop for, shoes to find oh and maybe a new pair of killer boots….

If we can keep our heads out of both of those places (past and future) and put our focus and attention on the present moment, life improves drastically. Whatever we find we must deal with in the present moment can be dealt with by taking action (or a handful of pain pills) or accepting what is….I chose to accept what it is….and IT is what IT is….pain filled as it may be…

For me, the wounds created by fillintheblankwithwhateverpainsyou have always been healed by letting go and taking the position that we all are doing the best we can with what we have to work with….

The mere passage of time is not the key. We can choose to hold on tighter to those old hurts and resentments, making them more and more a part of who we think we are, leaving us more and more miserable with each passing day. Or we can let go and accept what is. So it’s not time that heals, it’s where we spend our time. I’m going to spend it in the present moment, where my life is actually taking place. Next stop is my couch with my DVR and my blanket, watch the rain fall and try to get comfy, and later back to the book I started reading last night.

Truth be told…

I am in pain, lots of pain, too much pain, fucking pain. I’m tired. I hurt. I want to go to bed and sleep, but I can’t. I can lay on my back for a short while. I can lay on one side or the other for a short while. Then it is a struggle to find a position that works. None do. I’m tired of popping pain pills and frying my brain. I’m just tired.

I don’t want pity. When you see me and it makes you feel good you are not me or you aren’t going through what I am…that just might be something you should keep to yourself…no not you (reading this) but someone else not reading this.

don't ask....

Out with the demons of stupidity~

that be me~

I’ve known both women and men, (present company included) who have not a clue as to what it means to be in touch with their bodies, their moods or their menstrual cycles. (Okay, before you point out that men don’t have menstrual cycles, I know they don’t, but they do have some unnamable man cycle)I’ve known both women and men who are more delicate than the lingerie rinse cycle, not to mention, both women and men with not a clue as to how to control or constructively channel overpowering emotions. I’ve also known both women and men with exquisite self-control, as well as diplomatic skills that would put any professional diplomat to shame. So these qualities are not inversely proportional, nor are they inexorably tied to gender, even if socialization may tend to promote the idea that they are, or reward men and women unequally for tuning in to their own or other people’s emotions….just saying….and yeah I had a point but lost it…I’ma gonna go look for it now….it was a good one too….

 

See I do have a point or 2 or 10~

 But until then, I’m being mildly productive and accumulating experience in the ways of the world. That’s valuable, certainly. I know far more Scrabble words than I ever did at twenty. Meanwhile, I can’t remember if I’m coming or going, and every time I stand in the shower I wonder whether or not I’ve washed my hair yet…which in and of itself is hard to do when I’m holding on to the wall due to the fear of falling.

so confused~

The evidence of my impending stupidity is all around me. The longer ago the ideas happened, the better the ideas get. And the longer it takes me to catch on to what the hell I was thinking. I imagine myself as a fetal genius, doodling equations and painting breathtaking frescos on the uterine wall. These days, I’m lucky to put on my pants without falling over sideways or face planting, on the occasions when I do fall over my biggest fear remains as to whether I will be able to right myself or stay in that awkward position until the boys come to my rescue.

shall I stay or shall I go?

It’s one thing to be taunted by a sibling or child who’s smarter than you. But to have your nose rubbed in your mushy brain by yourself, that’s just wrong.  I suppose I should take my increasing idiocy in stride. It’s happening to all of us so why fight it? I’m as smart as I’m ever going to be, and somewhat less smarterer than I was before.  So what if I start watching more reality TV and decide I need my social security number tattooed on my belly?  By George, there is my stroke of brilliant genius….I has been wanting a tattoo for eons, and that’s the best idea I’ve come up with my SS…I think I want it upside down on my belly, so when I look down and pull my waistband out I’ll be able to read it…better get it in a bold Times New Roman font….

Sides of childhood~

Best served up in a cast iron skillet~

Way back in the day, way, way back….beans were served up 3x’s a day 365 days a year. We never tired of them and those refried beans we had for breakfast and got reheated at lunch time and again in the evening and later on at night if someone was still hungry just got better and better after every reheating. Well I am now doing the same here, I now understand that they were a natural and healthy filler….well I’m not sure how healthy as they were after all refried (with lard). But I know speaking for myself that I can’t recall anyone in my family that also ate beans 3x’s a day 365 days a year like I did that had any issues with obesity. But anyhoo, beans are cheap, so are potatoes, rice, chicken and ground beef. Those were the staples of my childhood, and currently those are the staples of my current household. Partly Mostly due to economic necessity…so I’ve got a crockpot going with beans, I have a chunk ok ground beef out and I’ll soon be peeling potatoes. We will be dining on…you guessed it…the staples. LOL.

Picadillo ~ (ground beef & potatoes)

For the longest time I entirely skipped over those childhood staples, not that I was tired of them, but I just didn’t cook. For a while there my kids were not beaners….well they are beaners but were not bean eaters. Now, they do look forward to eating beans, they enjoy them refried, with cheese and fresh hot tortillas.

Too funny~

I think I’ll add a salad to it.

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