have you ever???

2 old 2 play~

Have you ever done something for someone that totally goes against your beliefs? If you are like me I’m sure you have…I think we all have…I have and I don’t know that I can continue to do so….it is not just a betrayal to the person you are doing it for but a betrayal to the person you are….I’m rambling here…my meds have not kicked in.

Anyhoo I’m off to bed….if I’m awake for a countdown then so be it…if not then so be it too. Truth be told it is just another day for me…unless I look at the big picture…but I’m not up for that at this particular point. I see things that are for me yet not given to me…I am too old and tired for that nonsense.

I’m off to deal with this anxiety under the cover of darkness. Night.

on the eve~

Reflections of a year that has taken its time in going….In the beginning of 2009 mid January I began to experience excruciating pain in my mid to lower back. I kept thinking it was all the furniture moving I had been doing. When I vacuum I like to move everything, not just vacuum¬†around it….February and March came and went and the pain wasn’t easing, soon I was convinced that something was amiss so I scheduled to visit with the areas top orthopaedic¬†surgeon. I did not get to see him instead I saw his PA, who promptly made a referral to another specialist out-of-town.

By April the ball was rolling, I went to Austin and visited with a spine surgeon who soon had me undergoing more extensive testing. It was determined that I was walking around with a few fractured vertebra. Now I knew what was and had been causing me all this pain. I didn’t procrastinate, instead I had the options given to me. As I expected…surgery.

Towards the end of June I had surgery to repair/revise and correct what the previous two surgeries had failed to do. Yet the pain was not alleviated instead I found myself worse off than I had been prior to surgery. Back to the drawing board and more extensive and invasive testing determined that I would need additional surgery. I felt my back was to the wall…my options stay as I was and continue with the pain which could get progressively worse or have another surgery that would eliminate the pain yet at the same time limit my mobility.

I took option B and scheduled yet another surgery. As a single parent and sole provider I didn’t really have any other option. I know that I have to get back to where one day I am able to return to work. I have bills to pay, a mortgage, 2 kids still in school. So earlier this month I had surgery, or I should say surgeries, this procedure required 2 surgeries, one going thru the front and the other going thru the back. When I woke up I felt the difference, the constant pain I had been under was no longer there, I was able to wiggle my toes and move my feet. Once again I was filled with hope.

So here I sit at the end of the year, hoping that recovery will be behind me sooner or later…I’m hoping sooner rather than later. There are so many things I could have been doing, and I hope to one day soon be able to do. So much of my life has been held captive by this pain…I am most of all looking forward to being able to just take some time off and go somewhere, the where really isn’t important right now. All I know is that I have earned the right to take off and forget my world…even if it is for a few days. I also want to take my kids somewhere, anywhere and just have fun. Those are my goals, better health, mobility, travel and eventually a return to work. I need a paycheck.

Going broke was not a plan but it is a reality…so I’m also hoping to reverse that this coming year.

To all my friends I wish you the best, to the friends I alienated I also wish you the best. I don’t expect those friendships will survive for that I will have my regrets.

Cheers…to new beginnings!

Happy New Year~

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