My hair for years was not a color found in nature…at least not all of it, the hair closest to my scalp is natural and from there on out the color is whatever faded out bottle color I used last…but much of it now has gleaming white interwoven in it giving the illusion of natural highlights, and in a sense they are. My wardrobe features very few trendy pieces; I currently am most comfortable in pj’s. My lingerie is not color-coordinated. My make-up is not caked on to hide my natural complexion, alter my imperfect features or disguise my ethnicity. Back in the day I applied it heavy enough to cover all the uglies, the uglies are a part of me now, for sure here to stay and grow old with me…and I’m so much more okay with it than I ever was before…
I don’t make polite conversation well or any other type of conversation. I make bad jokes and still think I’m funny. I can honestly say I don’t know how to do many things. I don’t care if you have money and I certainly plan to spend my own and not yours anyway. I listen because I want to; sometimes I listen because I have to….
I don’t pre-plan the ending of anything too often, winging it is more my style. My self-worth does not revolve around my popularity. I can spend hours on the phone talking about nothing at all. I like spending time with myself- alone. I used to go to the movies by myself so that I could listen without any questions of “what’s gonna happen?”
I couldn’t tell you what songs are currently popular on the radio or on music television. I am not a commodity. You cannot sell me something just because it’s pink. I don’t have to fake being nice and I don’t feel the need to apologize every time I’m not. Sometimes, I stay out past my bedtime and sometimes I don’t stay out at all…and lately I just don’t even make it out, but that will change…soon…I hope. I don’t really have a bedtime, but I should…I may try to set a bedtime next year….
I really like to eat and will order a full meal when I go out to dinner. I order pizza for myself. I’m not going to pretend to have your interests. I have my own. I am building a life….and dammit…it feels good.
You probably think I’m “cool” although I’m fairly sure that term only refers to those people who have no reservations about being themselves- quirks and all. You quietly envy my ballsiness, brazenness and gusto. You covet my opinions and my pastimes. You note my awkwardness, my genuine confusion, and my constant introspection. You loathe the way I don’t play life but this works for me…
I cry when I get my heart broken, have no magic fix for rejection. I get dirty. I play to my strengths and accept those limitations I cannot correct…or at least I pretend to.
I am fine being a walking contradiction. I don’t consider myself a hypocrite as I am taking time to find, and like, myself. I’m even taking time to like others. I don’t think of myself as good and pure I’m not here to change your life or to plan it. I could never be a role model, nor would I want to. I am terribly hungry right now, and I am intent on having my cake…and yes eating it to….but I just felt compelled to offer you this dribbling randomness.