Ask anyone that truly knows me and they will tell you that I am not exactly the warmest person to be around. Well there are exceptions, I am quite warm when I am cuddling in bed, but that wasn’t my point. I was referring to a different kind of warm. I am not a person that deals well with feelings, either my own or anyone else’s.
Life gets to me, sometimes, the stuff that must be done, the activities that we must rush off to, the constant upkeep of the house, cooking, laundry etc. It all gets to me and I am disappointed because I let it get to me. I stop and think all of this shouldn’t be this hard. We should just do and be, and not worry about it all so much. However, the nature of being an adult is having the constant worry and mile long to do lists. The worst is when special times come around, that should be nothing but fun, spiral out of control into the food has to be just right, will there be enough, the house has to be cleaned, everything must appear perfect while no one sees me crumble to the floor. But those times of entertaining are long gone, I no longer cook massive amounts and just call random friends and tell them to bring a side dish or dessert and whatever spirit they fancy and come on over cause we are gonna have fun, nope, those days are long gone….where was I?
I could say that I have decided to just do what I can and not worry about the rest, but that is not my nature. I am a perfectionist at heart and sometimes nothing less will do. But there are those times that all the perfectionism in the world is not enough to motivate me. Oh and that is just perfectionism of the heart, and it doesn’t translate to the real world, in my real world there are kids that take one swipe at whatever fairy tale I can concoct. I will say that I have been hit with a bout of mediocrity, lately. I haven’t cleaned my floors everyday. I can’t even remember the last time I actually cleaned the floors, and I walk past the black smear on the floor and I wonder what it is and why can’t anyone else clean it, like whoever is responsible for it being on the floor in the first place, don’t they see it, doesn’t it bother anyone and yeah it will be there until the day comes and I just get tired of seeing it and will become unhinged and rant and rave and yell and scream and demand that it get cleaned….I haven’t cooked as many meals as I think I should. I have been letting the kids eat far more junk than is allowed by wagging finger moms and it feels okay. Not to say that I will always have this feeling, but for right now it feels really good.