I spent some time looking at pictures of old friends, remembering the laughs shared at watching silly movies, sharing a love for the same of this or that, getting together and just hanging out. I miss that, but that has come and gone, all the good friends I had have moved away, sure I have other “friends”…but it isn’t the same. I have not allowed myself to form the bonds I shared with the others, nor will I at this point. My concentration has to be centered on my recovery and my family and that simply means that I can’t allow myself further distractions.
I’ve realized a sickness I have (for lack of a better way to describe it…I’m tired and too lazy to think straight) in that I have a habit of falling into bad choices. I seem to surround myself with the same type of people, sure they have their differences, but the little things are the same, the jealousies, the insecurities, I think the insecurities are the ones that rattle me. Especially because I just don’t get it. Well actually that is not true, I’m beginning to get it, it is a part of rejection. Sheesh, lack of sleep has me talking out of my ass.
I’ve been going to bed and reading a few pages of a book I just started. I’m off for round 6 of going to bed and picking up that book. Books are my new escape, actually they are my only constant. If you have a good book you don’t really need to talk to people. People talk to you through books. Rather I inject myself into the book, kind of like a fly on the wall.
See what kind of crazy talk I can put out there when I’m in pain and I’m tired and I’m sleepy and my body and my mind betray me and I can’t sleep….off I go again…..