Why can’t old habits just die?

I spent some time looking at pictures of old friends, remembering the laughs shared at watching silly movies, sharing a love for the same of this or that, getting together and just hanging out. I miss that, but that has come and gone, all the good friends I had have moved away, sure I have other “friends”…but it isn’t the same. I have not allowed myself to form the bonds I shared with the others, nor will I at this point. My concentration has to be centered on my recovery and my family and that simply means that I can’t allow myself further distractions.

I’ve realized a sickness I have (for lack of a better way to describe it…I’m tired and too lazy to think straight) in that I have a habit of falling into bad choices. I seem to surround myself with the same type of people, sure they have their differences, but the little things are the same, the jealousies, the insecurities, I think the insecurities are the ones that rattle me. Especially because I just don’t get it. Well actually that is not true, I’m beginning to get it, it is a part of rejection. Sheesh, lack of sleep has me talking out of my ass.

I’ve been going to bed and reading a few pages of a book I just started. I’m off for round 6 of going to bed and picking up that book. Books are my new escape, actually they are my only constant. If you have a good book you don’t really need to talk to people. People talk to you through books. Rather I inject myself into the book, kind of like a fly on the wall.

See what kind of crazy talk I can put out there when I’m in pain and I’m tired and I’m sleepy and my body and my mind betray me and I can’t sleep….off I go again…..

Morning perspicacity~

In a slow and steady rush those thoughts zenfully arrived. I’ve been waiting for the clarity and then just like that….it was there. I thought I had my cards ready to fold, but I don’t hold the cards, I wasn’t even dealt a hand. LOL…well off I go to find something in the freezer, whatever I find will dictate what is on the menu….I’m thinking pancakes later…then whatever, I’m sure the boys won’t mind the idea of pancakes in the afternoon. I’ve got hours and hours of recorded television to keep me entertained.

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