A death at my house~

For days now, at least¬†3 days the unmistakable stench of death had been seaping into my home. The first day that I smelled it I thought perhaps it was due to the boys burning something in the kitchen. Nobody else complained or mentioned it…so I didn’t say anything. By the next morning it was unmistakable the smell of death was everywhere, at least it seemed to me that it was….but due to my condition I was unable to go around and try to determine the source. I sent the boys into the back room, thinking perhaps a bird might have flown in and died from a broken neck. They didn’t report any findings, I sent them a second time and insisted they look again, still nothin. Today I was sick from it, I was exhausted, another sleepless night, this time not helped due to the smell of decaying flesh….I was exhausted and needed a nap, I had a candle going but that wasn’t masking the smell. I took another candle and removed the tin lid, went to bed with a pillow over my face, the covers drawn over me and the new candle tin right by my face. When Bert got home he asked if he could have a friend over I again reminded him we had the stench of death permeating the air. I offered up a $$reward$$ for the search of whatever was causing the horrific smell. When my big fat (adopted) son Mike (I call him my big fat adopted son as a term of endearment)¬†showed up they went out and were able to locate the source. It was right under my nose, under my bedroom. A cat had decided to get under my house through the crawl space on the side of the house where it met its untimely death. It was now a big fat bloated smelly dead foul carcass of a cat. So now the task to get said dead smelly bloated cat out began. I suggested a wire hanger they could unravel and maybe hook a foot and pull it out. The last thing I wanted was it blowing up releasing its noxious gasses and smelling worse. With Mexican ingenuity they somehow managed to get it out, they found a shovel and hoisted it into a trash can and now the big fat bloated smelly cat is in the process of getting to its final destination…for now I guess it is somewhere in the alley but I’m grateful that I am able to breathe again. I was getting ready to drive my crippled ass to a hotel.

Tips for women~

Ladies – Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half
and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Woman – Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and
drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies – Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of
a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Woman – Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of
the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on the
couch in your bathrobe, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies – To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in
the bag with the potatoes.

Real Woman – Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the
pantry for up to a year.

Ladies – When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking
pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t
be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Real Woman – Go to the bakery – they’ll even decorate it for
you.

Ladies – If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes
opening jars easy.

Real Woman – Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip….

Ladies – Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze
into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Woman – Leftover wine??

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