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Posts Tagged ‘insomnia’

When you try as hard as you can, to do what you think is right and all you get is that same old cold shoulder, when you do all you can and all that’s left is to give it up all you can do is turn it loose.

Such a convoluted thought, then again I’m currently medicated so everything coming out of my head is jumbled up. Took two Norco’s, Doxepin, and Mobic, pain pills, sleeping pill and a muscle relaxer. I’m hoping something works, it’s got to. Actually part of my face is feeling numb, that’s a good sign right? Maybe the rest of me gets to feeling numb soon. My fingers aren’t working all that great, I keep having to correct typo’s, so if I miss any blame the drugs….pain or lack of sleep, or blame it on all…I know how to spell, but I’m feeling a bit dyslexic and dexterically challenged…and yes, I think I just sorta made up that word….but it derived from dexterity, so there…blow me.

So anyways, this whole financial situation I’m in has led me down a dark path…I’ve signed on to do something that I never thought I would do…it isn’t illegal so I will be able to sleep at night, (ha, insert crazed laughter here, that will only happen if the meds kick in) but I do have kids to feed and shelter, tough times, tough choices….but in the end I’ll have a story to tell…that’s if I don’t end up dead before I can tell the story.

Nothing takes the place of __________(fill in the blank) I feel the __________, without _________nothing is the same. Oh my _________, I am so ____________because nothing takes the place of ______________.

I missed boy # 3’s parade today, tomorrow he has another event he will participate in, I don’t know if I’ll make it to that, due to aforementioned dark path.

I’m experiencing dry mouth, if only I had some wet stuff, other than water, which I am already imbibing, then my mouth would be wetter and perhaps the meds would kick in quicker.

You know those ghosts from the past…well I had another pop into my life….it is quite strange, one day you hear from someone you tried to forget, and quite honestly I had almost forgotten said ghost….ALMOST, there were mere thoughts in passing but for the most part not even much of a blip on my radar screen. But then nothing, no follow-up. Not sure what is up with that, part of me is curious, part of me feels ghosts should stay ghosts…but I’m patient…not that I have options.

I got three new books today, well new to me, I hadn’t thought of adding to my library in a while, but I think I’m ready to see if there are readers out there ready to give up some of their books. I have a book I’ve been reading on and off for a few days. The last couple of books I’ve picked up haven’t captivated my attention…but I’m trying to finish what I start. Nothing sucks worse than reading a couple hundred pages and then giving up with only a couple hundred more pages to go…but I’ve got a few books I’ve given up midway to halfway through.

This week has been a week of old favorite shows coming back on, NCIS, Criminal Minds, Body of Proof, Hawaii Five-0, Harry’s Law and a few new shows I may check out. I haven’t watched any yet, saving them for the weekend…as that is when there is nothing good on and the boys like some of those shows and I enjoy my time with them being couch potatoes.

Well I think I’ve talked long enough to myself….maybe soon I will doze off….I can only hope………..

Contradictory much???????

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Woke up feeling good, mind you that I didn’t get much sleep and that the sleeplessness was due to not being able to get into a pain-free position. Pain my new best friend. I have decided to treat the pain kindly, no more cussing it out. It has been way too long since I have woken up with a positive attitude, and it feels good. 

Had an early appointment this AM, have another this PM, the early one went well, got good news there, hoping the second one yields the same results.

Getting a new central A/C installed, the old one was well, old, very old. My belly is hungry, but I’m sorta kinda trapped in my room as the installers are right outside my door with all their equipment.

Oh and on another happy note, the grass is trying to be grass again, the much-needed rain perked it up a bit. I still need to get out there and clean up the yard a bit, branches and trash, leaves and old pecans. Maybe this evening if the pain doesn’t intensify.

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I tried keeping our insurance, (thanks for nothing HUMANA) but food and other necessities (such as electricity, water, mortgage, etc) trump healthcare coverage. So I paid out the ASS for this stupid policy only to have to not just cover the higher copays, but also 100% of my doctor visits, exams, lab work, x-rays and prescriptions, mind you everything was in-network. So basically I paid out the ASS to carry around 3 useless insurance cards. I’m trying to not do the math because it pisses me off and then I start bawling and turn into a blubbering mess in my bedroom with the door locked so the kids don’t have to see/hear me. What I paid for useless insurance coverage would have taken care of all the school supplies, new school clothes and maybe even a frivolous steak or two.

Thank you dear blog of mine for your great eyes and ears, you bear witness to my struggles, my loneliness, my joys, my happiness, my nonsense, my drivel, my randomness and my life. I don’t ask much of you and I appreciate that you let me vent. (Because you are mine.)

I have something else to bitch about…a virus, not the kind that makes one sick, unless one is a formerly cute little Dell Mini….a virus has rendered my Dell Mini useless and I just don’t have the $$ to fix you right now, so I will bury you in your coffin until I can take you to the doctor. Because children needing physicals for school take precedence over you, you get to lay in wake for a while. RIP for now little red friend of mine.

I need sleep, so if anything sounds stupid…I blame the bitch called insomnia, she isn’t letting me have my way with my pillows and covers. I hate her. I’m not even sure she is a she, but I don’t want to hear anyone bitching or whining about me being a man hater if I get to calling insomnia an asshole.

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By bitch I mean insomnia…not that she ever truly left me, she likes to stick close to me like a needy child….not that I really know what a needy child is like anymore…seems I’ve done okay in making my boys independent, they are away from me and having a great time…or at least that is what they lead me to believe. I’ve started another book but keep losing focus as I try to read it….eventually I’ll get that trilogy read and shelved. I’ve been keeping myself busy with random projects around here…might as well be productive if I can’t sleep…though I must admit I am not quite motivated to put my laundry away…it’s folded and neatly stacked just need to get it put away…or just leave it where it is and keep wearing the same old stuff…it’s really whatever with this damned heat I am not inclined to really bother with any of it, not that my old bday suit offers me a reprieve from the heat. There is nothing worse than breaking out into a sweat while doing nothing. How the hell is that possible. Sheesh….

I had a lunch date yesterday, well sorta, it was one of those where I didn’t bother getting ready for it because this particular person has a habit of issuing out invites and not following through, not even a call back to cancel. It’s whatever….see that’s my new attitude…it’s whatever…and it fits so many situations. I’m putting value on my time and myself, so yeah it’s whatever if someone just doesn’t think I’m worthy of their time…they probably aren’t worthy of my time either I just don’t dwell on it much, except right now that I brought it up…but yeah it’s whatever. I can already hear other unoriginal peeps stealing my new attitude…but guess what? it’s whatever….hehe.

 

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I find myself unasleep again, can’t find a comfortable position, so I shift from side to side or lay flat on my back, a few minutes for each position. One hand holding the mini and one hand hitting the keys. I contemplated the assistance of the pharmaceuticals, I’ve a great combination that puts me out. Of course there are pesky side effects, like a desire to sleep my life away, or the contemplation to take it away…or worse, a wickedly dry mouth. Nothing like waking up to a ringing phone and trying to scrape your tongue across the inside of a dry and barren landscape of teeth…only to mumble into the mouthpiece, perhaps sounding like a complete moron. My answer to that is to turn off the phones…oh and drink more water…which of course carries its own side effects…I’ve been drinking so much water my belly wants to blow. Of course my water has to be ice cold and the freezer doesn’t seem to want to keep up with me and my needs. Why must life be such a fucking whore?

On to happy thoughts….another day over with.  ;)

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I always do things for myself….heck it was my bday, woothefuckhoo…another day….so now I am officially another year older…yay!!!

Nothing to do with my post, it just cracked me up....lol

 

I had things to do…like fetch new drugs….now that is something to get excited about….right…maybe these new magical little things will make life the picture perfect daisy and green grass soft as brand new plush carpet thrill a minute ride we all dream about…you do dream about that shit don’t cha?????

So I took my happy ass….oh wait…getting ahead of myself…let’s back up a spell or two…aww….coffee…fresh brewed all I gotta do ispushthebuttonandthebrownstuffwillpumpoutthetopintothepot ….yes, that was the start to my day…well after Boy#3 came into my room wanting to rifle thru my dresser drawers…I’m half asleep at this point…cause I’m not up and haven’t had the nectar of the gods yet….so he whispers his apologies for being in my room, asks me to cover my face cause he needs to turn the light on…I’m not ready to be up so I do as he asks…wasn’t sure (or could care less) at what he was looking for (I thought he was looking for the sweet tarts I had stashed). He obviously found what he was looking for then proceeded to turn the light off and tell me “Let me be the first one to wish you a happy birthday”. He gave me a hug and he started to leave…that is when I asked him to go ahead and get my coffee going.

So anyway back to where I was before I got ahead of myself….I had my coffee….oh wait…gotta tell you this…I found Almond Joy coffee creamer…OMFG….like for serious…orgasmic…chocolate, almonds, coconut.√,√,√. Three of my loves (aside from my boys). Okay, after my coffee, I got in the shower, then after my uneventful (no falling on my ass (or face) or landscaping escapades, I got out, wrapped myself up in my big fluffy chocolate-brown towel, wrapped my hair up in another towel and went back to the living room. Yes just in towels…turned my TV on, turned my laptop on and grabbed my makeup bag….I put my face on while I watched some prerecorded reality crap and caught up with some emails….OMFG again….(sorry for the cussing) all these wonderful emails from friends and family wishing me a happy birthday….***Sigh*** I don’t do bdays….not for me anyway…not where I get excited about them….I didn’t have the foresight to make my DOB invisible on all my social networking sites….so I was madly scrambling about to try to acknowledge every individual bday wish….sheesh…too much…after the 4th or 5th I was thinking to myself…”Self…you aren’t this special…nobody ever remembers your bday, just like you don’t remember anyone’s bday” But this is the beauty of social networking…it “helps” us remember these milestones, like bdays, anniversaries, parties, etc, etc….

So anywho I exhausted myself trying to reply to all….(I’m sure I missed a few here or there). I got my face on…, by this time my hair is mostly dry, somewhat curly…good enough to where I can get away with going out without any extra hair effort….put my makeup bag away, turn off my laptop, turn off my TV and go throw my dress on…YES dress….why not….I was thinking I would be good to myself and take me out to lunch. Grab my purse, keys, shades, check doors all is secure and I take off….guess what I found out…my truck keys work on my car….I had previously checked but they didn’t work….yeah I know random….

Okay so now I’m out the door, I head out, I got things to do…which was the original title of this post before I digressed all over the place….I headed to the grocery store, where I snagged a bottle of wine for a $1.00 good shit too….it was on sale, but I was charged regular price, then in the confusion I was not charged for something else but then got charged for one more of something else, but the bottom line is I ended up paying a $1.00 for the wine…woothefuckhoo!!!

So I left the grocery store then headed to the pharmacy….where new drugs were awaiting me….yay….now normally I don’t get excited about scrips…but fuck I’ve been in so much fucking pain I’m ready to try something new…and I can’t sleep, so why not try something new for that…and I’m depressed and want to kill you before I kill myself so why not try something for that too….oh and because I have to break in my new insurance that I’m paying money out the ass for and haven’t been able to afford to use, not that I can afford it now….but WTF let’s just go all out and spend money we don’t have for my useless cripple ass….

But anywho by the time I was done with this crap I was no longer in the mood for lunch…I had a cake to bake for my beautiful bday boy and a couple of other food stuffs for his bday. So I unloaded the food stuff and drug stuff and put things away. Took a short break and then went all out and baked his cake…still in my dress…cause why not…it’s my freaking bday and I should look all hot and purty when I’m playing Suzie homemaker…but I had a major cake fail….the cake batter is somewhat heavy and I should have pounded the cake pans harder than I did to even out the batter but guess what….that shit fucking hurts…yeppers it hurt my back to try to do that….so I threw them in the oven like that and hoped for the best….and the best that I got was two uneven cakes that were high in the middle…not a wise move to stack them…but hey that was my plan…to stack them….so anyways I was doing really good, cakes were holding up pretty good, I got them all iced up and was working on finishing up the sides when the top layer starts cracking in the middle…no problem I have enough icing to fill in the crack…all done…place glass cover over glass pedestal and walk away….come back a few minutes later and my purty cake had a new crack….FUCK…this is the little shit that just makes me want to curl up in a corner and bawl like a baby.  Not the fact that the cake isn’t perfect…but that it physically hurts to bake a fucking cake…btw the cake tastes awesome! Cause I did bake it with love (and drugs, but not drugs in the cake).

 And I did all this for Boy # 2…cause he is the best birthday gift I ever received, and nothing I get from here on out will ever top him!

 

 

 

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