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Posts Tagged ‘bitch’

What? Yeah…..some trends that have been growing exponentially….on Facebook most days I feel like I don’t know the place anymore….I used to enjoy my drop-ins and contributions to make someone smile or think….nowI feel like I accidentally stumbled back in time and I’m in church….the Church of Facebook….where there are all sorts of condemnations…..or back when I’d drop in at the town’s local pancake and coffee shop and the old timers would get into heated discussions over politics….***SIGH**** I do miss the old Facebook….I know some of the going ons are trends, the pet posting, the trout pout pics, etc, etc….anywho I’ll stop bitching about that….

Day off from job 1, so much to do and waiting on motivation, savoring my coffee…still doing laundry, have ironing to do, clothes to put away,a vacuum to run, a list of things I want to put together and photograph and hopefully sell, if not off to freecycle. I also have to try to finish my haircut….I can get one side just right or close enough to where it does what I want to, but I get challenged with the other side, I’ll eventually get it to where I’m okay with it or where I give up and let it grow out again.

My cup is almost dry…so I’ll be wrapping things up, shower, haircut, ironing station setup, may watch a movie while I do that….then I’m hoping for a nap before I go to job 2…..I want to enter a drawing for maid service for a year….and win….where do I sign up????

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Some days I just want to punch people in the face. Doing something of no benefit to myself (rather at a cost I can ill afford) only to have someone act all ass about it as if I am creating an inconvenience. Wow, I just don’t get where the sense and sensibility went to. Yeah I may need a stiff one after this (drink that is) but I also need a nap….which I just don’t see happening….Calgon take me away….wash me away…PLEASE……….

Venting has concluded you may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

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…and disengage….and re-engage in other areas…today was somewhat productive, got laundry done (some, not all, as laundry is one of those damn pesky never-ending, never done, has to get done pesky chores…) and done is not quite accurate as putting stuff away is part of the done process….so half assed done…hey it’s better than nothing….went grocery shopping, forgot milk, damn it.

Read for a while, watched TV for a bit, hung out with the kidlets, left them alone then they came to my room to hang out some more. Gotta love ‘em, just wish my oldest was close by.

Sat down with my bucket of ice cream, box of cones and pigged out….but I balanced it out with yard work and a salad.

My back is not happy with me, but it’s not like I can afford a landscaping crew….and nobody around here feels any responsibility in maintaining a clean yard….ohoh…here comes the bitchventscreamcrap….

WAH….I am so fucking tired….tired of taking care of EVERY FUCKING THING. Well not done taking care of shit, more like worrying about it…I have some areas needing MAJOR REPAIRS. Like a board that is holding the electrical wires that is somewhat detached from the house, it is barely hanging on….I’d hate to see it give….I’ve paid for a half assed repair, that didn’t last…yeah kinda got screwed on that one….I need to focus on getting the funds together for that….so major cutting back on…hmmm…not sure what….yeah no more indulging in ice cream….or going out, so yeah, work and home and that is it.

Well I’m off to focus on other schtuff….

I feel better now that I got to whine a bit….thank you internets, I wuv ewe….

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Friendships…friendchips….yeah I’d take the latter that way I could still eat the chips…and not feel like I needed to be on a ship…sigh**

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Stupid is as stupid does, and I have been on a roll. I suffered a bit with hyperactivity a couple of days ago….couldn’t keep myself to any single task…consequently I hand washed my car, I worked on scraping paint off the coffee table, I baked lemon bars, I did laundry, I swept, I vacuumed (not that it looks like I did) then I piddled around starting other things that I just didn’t get to completing….and what did I get for all this….yeah this is where the stupid part comes in…PAIN….lots of fucking back pain…I almost didn’t want to stop everything I was doing, once I stop I start to intensely feel the aftereffects of all my moving around, bending, stooping, stretching, pulling and pushing…**SIGH*** when will LIFE (without pain) go back to “normal” (whatever the fuck normal is…)

Had another session of dramatics…not a fan of that….I’d much rather pull my eyelashes out one by one…or shave my toes…but all is well now…gotta go wake the kidlets up…

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Well the damn weeds will not pull themselves the fuck out. So I am on my knees, I’m stooped over and I’m killing my already killed back doing what nobody else seems to think they need to do. Yeah sure having a landscaper would be great, but I’m the damn landscaper, not that I’m scaping the land, but I sure as hell am trying to keep it from becoming overgrown with weeds. I’m also stripping paint off of a coffee table so I can repaint it, I don’t yet know what color I’ll be doing it, maybe something bright and unexpected or maybe boring black.

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The start of this doesn’t make much sense….as I had a working title and decided against it….so it’s whatever…it makes sense to me….

Shoulda started with immaturity, cause I’m fixing to do something that is downright immature…thinking of even going all out and doing some Evites and creating an event out of it But there is a slight hiccup with that plan, I don’t yet have a venue available. I cannot do it at Casa de Ruby as it is not solely Casa de Ruby and I don’t need drama to come out of it…as it will already be slightly dramatic. So for now I’m holding on to my Save the Dates until I can either secure a location or some other brilliant idea pops into my head.  Not that this is a brilliant idea…it is more of a cathartic release, one involving the dissolution of tangible memories. So it’s like a bonfire without the bon…cause I’m not even sure what the heck a bon is and I don’t feel like looking it up….but it will involve fire, a slow controlled burn….as I’m sure the county will probably be all balls to the wall with their stinking burn ban…..I just want a cozy little fire where I can sit there with a cool night-time breeze, music playing, water hose at the ready and me feeding the flames with combustible materials. I want to sear those memories as I would sear a steak, hear a sizzle, a pop and a goodbye.  It is way past time to bury some of those memories, I’ve hung on to the tangible memories long enough…I want to lay rest to a regrettable time in my life and be done with that chapter.  I know it is not a mature way to handle it, but it is a way I choose to slay the beast.

So on to other nonsense….or shtuff….

Dye causes death…

…of brain cells….lately I’ve seen a proliferation of old haglets running around with some cloaky hair….yikes, grandma just let it go….there comes a time when no matter how dark you color your hair it will not detract from how old you look, I have nothing against hair color, I am a retired hairstylist and I also retired the dye. There are days where the urge to color my hair hits me….I LOVE color, but after a certain age it is time to switch it up….go lighter, add low lites, add highlights…..but don’t bathe those whites with black….skin tones change with age…..my kids rag me about my white hair, they think I should cover it….I don’t care to do that. I love the white hair, I’m not crazy about the texture but age also changes the texture of hair, my hair used to curl up in ringlets, waves or curls, now most days it is frizz….and all I do with it is take a small clip and get it out of my face. I just don’t have the vanity left in me to give a fuck….which I find amusing as I have been accused of being vain by a someone that maintains standing appointments with a hairstylist for color and cuts….yeah…who is vain here? HAHA….as a side note, all of the above vitriol is MHO and if anyone feels like it could be the right sized shoe/fit for them…well wear it and shut up about it.

If you happen to be my age or older…(proud to say I belong to the over the hill crowd) with that I’m sure you are familiar with being stabbed in the back…anywho…

Things are falling into place….I started a second job a while back, so I’m now juggling two jobs as well as being a single parent and trying to carve time out for myself to regroup in between. My back is not entirely simpatico with the situation but life being what it is (not free) well I do what I have to do to provide for me and mine (even though I’ve been accused of being a “user”…as if!!!)

So anyway I wanted to extend a helping hand to someone I knew needed it. I already had knowledge that this person had gone behind my back numerous times to basically bad mouth me, stab me in the back, throw me under the bus…whatever you want to call it….I can be quite forgiving (even when I’m accused of being rigidly unforgiving) I went to bat for this person. All for naught. I gave this person ample opportunity to prove others wrong….but I guess the others were right. This person didn’t deserve my kindness and generosity. At least not at this time. Which is cool…I will not treat this person any different. I still greet them as cheerfully as before, I still take the time to compliment them and inquire about their health, their day or life. I may be rebuffed and that’s fine too. See. I’ve been in this persons place before so I understand some of the mindset. But at the same time I will not extend myself as I have done previously. Not when I go to bat for someone and they don’t have the common courtesy to share that perhaps they are not interested or that they have changed their mind. In this persons place is someone that truly is appreciative of my efforts to help. And that is where things are falling into place. Yes things happen for a reason….whatever led this other person to rebuff this opportunity only opened up the doors to someone else that turned out to be a better fit. I say it is a win, win!

So while I will continue to extend kindness to this person I have learned a lesson…yes, I will continue to kill with kindness but the “Ruby” circle is no longer open for this person…..

And the tit for tat crap rears its ugly head once again. I’m too old for that….**sigh….I keep trying, but when is enough, enough?

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Going downhill fast

I woke up feeling perfectly fine headed to my new (2nd) job…got there and got settled in for the day…well I didn’t get to settled…out of nowhere and without warning things got bad and fast. I was lucky my boss was there….I felt faint and shaky…yeah I forgot to eat breakfast so I thought a couple of cookies would help…I didn’t feel hungry but I ate them anyway. Soon, very soon we could tell that wasn’t going to cut it so he offered up a candy bar. But I needed to lay down or pass out, did that…but it didn’t help. So I came home and made it to the sofa but then I had to run to the bathroom where I puked up about 5 pounds worth of fluids…not good but I felt better so I went back to work. Big mistake….I managed to hang on for at least an hour then I gave up and came back home. I am now down 10 pounds and not feeling all that great. Hope I feel better soon…I cannot afford to stay home and this is no way to start off at a new job. I’m feeling too pukey to stand for long and I dread disappointing boy # 3 when he gets home shortly….he was wanting me to take him to the mall but driving is out of the question….wish I had a bitch right about now….

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It has been a while since I’ve truly felt alive, I mean I know I am alive. The constant pain is a good reminder….but living and existing are two different things. I exist. I exist in a world of my own, I’ve got more than four walls, none of them padded…yet. (Yeah that is next, at this rate…probably advisable.)

What I’m getting at is that for the last two years (or possibly longer) my life has been part blur, part drug induced stupor or head in the sand…and yeah head elsewhere…no need for me to draw you a picture. The beginning of 2009 was the start of a nightmare that I can’t seem to wake from. I was happy working, I was even working two jobs, taking care of my family as I raced from one job to the next and still managing to throw dinner together before heading to the second job. I was thriving, enjoying the busy-ness of life. Then IT started, that nagging pain, it only escalated…I ignored it until I could no longer ignore it. Soon I found myself in physical therapy, countless doctor appointments and fear. As a single mother with two boys still at home I was scared of what the future would hold for me. I tried to just tackle things as they came, the writing was on the wall…I knew I would soon be laid off, so if I was going to have surgery there was no time to sit and think on it. I scheduled it the same day it was suggested.

Little did I know that it would take two surgeries to “fix” me…problem is it is now 2011 and I am anything but fixed.

The last few days have been agonizing, painfully so. I know it shows on me. My youngest keeps asking me to smile, he knows I’m hurting, he keeps asking me to smile through the pain, and maybe that will help. If only it was that easy. Boy # 2 is a bit more uncomfortable seeing me in pain, he will help out and make sure I have water, medications, tissue, trash can close to my bed in case I need to hurl. They have been great throughout this whole ordeal…but I feel guilt. I feel like I am robbing them of a normal childhood…there is no extra money to take them out for a bite to eat, trip to the mall, shopping…they are growing, Boy # 3 just shot up a couple of inches in the last month.

I hate that I sound so down…despite all of the pain, the changes we have had to make and try to adjust to, life is good. Yes, it could be better, but it could also be a lot worse. I’m not complaining…even if that is what it sounds like…no I am bitching and moaning…there is a difference.

And I am entitled to bitch and moan all I want, anyone has a problem with it can kiss my old saggy crippled ass…but only if I’m standing…and they can get to it…I’m not making it easy on anyone….and sheesh…I need to change my Pandora radio station….this music is a little too melancholy for me.

Oh and I’m shamelessly taking donations for funds for booze….yes booze. I have drugs, I even have saltine crackers…but booze…well I am running low…very low. And a bitch and moan fest cannot properly be undertaken without booze….so hit the DONATE button and surprise me.

Now I’m off to go kick the cat….wait…I don’t have a cat….

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