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Randomness….

Thoughts running through my head…thinking of my friend T and the ordeal she is undergoing….hating that there is not a thing I can do for her. Knowing she is in a hospital, knowing how much hospitals suck….knowing too much and not knowing enough. Life can suck. MzT…you are in my thoughts…and no prayers here. Love ya!

 

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Muscle relaxer and pain pill down the hatch….note to self….next time the stupid idea to do yard work strikes….strike back…or strike a match. I used to be able to do all the yard work required to maintain a decent looking property…today…not so much. And I enjoy doing it….my back is hating me for it….big time. I can’t even start a lawn mower on my own….that sucks balls. #3 had to start it for me a couple of times. The third time I just gave up and let him finish up. I hate, hate, hate not being able to do these basic things….things I could do BEFORE. I miss so much of that….it is a reminder that I no longer have the ability to be self sufficient. I’m so not good with that. The added pain makes it that much more painful to pick up my precious bundle of joy….soon I will have to make changes there. Not sure how that will work out. Today all I could do was put her down in the crib and play with her from there…..SIGH….life can suck….but my beautiful babies make it a bit better…and having this beautiful princess in my life sure makes a lot of other shit bearable….well enough for now…I’m slowly working my way back to writing. I’ve missed it and have to get back into it…it is indeed therapeutic.

 

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These last few days I’ve been working on purging….it has been a catharsis…or cathartic (pun intended) experience. It is amazing how much baggage I’ve been hanging on to…alongside a mountain of medical paperwork, medical records, statements for the bazillion procedures I endured just a few years back. I think (and hope) I’ve got everything squared away. (Paid) Soon it will be time to pack it all up and get ready for the next chapter of my life. I don’t intend to drag all this crap with me, time to downsize, and bury all the dead trees that were sacrificed to print the countless statements.

And photos….from a time in my life that has forever left an imprint. Just tearing up and shredding (until my shredder burnt out) was something I needed to do and had just put off way too long.

My new thing (not so new) is “if I don’t remember, it didn’t happen”….well add to that if there is no photographic reminder then it didn’t happen….I know…not so easy…but I’m working on this…still.Image

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Happy New Year. So much is going on around here…mainly work and more work…and pain…always. today was not a good day and unfortunately I took it out on the wrong person. I hate when that happens…hate that my #2 is being hurt…but thankful that he is comfortable talking to me. If anyone can give insight on relationships that would be me. Granted I suck at them…

Anywho we do have a beautiful bundle of joy to love and care for….the little girl I always wanted. She is a precious little girl…can’t wait for her hair to just grow out…looking forward to playing with different looks…ponytail, braids…straight or curly…too early to tell. We have not done the birth announcements yet…waiting for a photo session. I want her in a black dress with her little black shoes….

Did I mention pain…yeah about that….left lower quadrant and it fucking hurts like a bitch….so damned tired of hurting and medicating and putting on my “happy, happy joy joy” face on and pretending all is well…not so convincingly and there are days I just can’t be bothered to fake it. It gets old using the same tired responses…”I’m fine, all is well…my face just looks like life sucks” 

Today will be a busy day, have a funeral to go to and I am not looking forward to that….then from there I have to get #3 to an appointment…my day off….I just wish I could have a day off and do nothing, see no one and just have me time. 

So yeah 2014 lots going on but it just sounds tired and whiney….I’m off to try to read myself to sleep….just thought I’d try to blog a bit….maybe soon I’ll be back and be less bitchy.

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I’ve had a hate/hate relationship with phones for a few years now…recently j lifted my own ban on it and gave my number out. I like this someone I gave my number to…but already I hate the phone drama. Why do these a$$holes expect me to have a phone attached to my person 24/7? I have a life and I don’t believe I need to drop everything I’m doing and run to answer my phone when it rings….I also think that if I don’t answer after 5 -6 Times then you should get a clue, just maybe I am busy….I’m trying to not lose it and hate you….okay hate may be a bit harsh….but dammit ain’t nobody got time for that. . I certainly don’t and after all these years of not being in a relationship I sure as $hit am not looking to fall for another insecure, controlling jerkwad….so that is my vent and/ off to the back burner we go…..

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Shell Shocked….

to be continued….

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Random numbers, because names would just open up a can of worms….so I had this whole diatribe in my head and on paper…well no not paper, on WORD….it stemmed from a revelation in a conversation with # 89765432 which in turn had caused me to have an epiphany of ginormous proportions.

# 23453789 had once upon made some statements regarding the “sexes”…yes men and women….but from the conversation with # 89765432 I had come away realizing or piecing together some “character” flaws regarding # 23453789…then the bubble burst…or rather the dam did….and #23453789’s previous statement came back semi full circle….SIGH….

Friendships are hard, people are complicated, present company included. Sometimes being friendless is the best thing…so cheers to solitude and reflection…and HEB Creamy Creations Butter Pecan Ice Cream and books…about blood, guts, killing…and all that good stuff….oh and fucking too. But not fucking like you might think…more like mind fucking…I guess I shoulda just said mind fucking….so anywho my gang banged brain is off to do some relaxing reading….and put shit out of my head…..

FLUSH!

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